Torn

Lately, several things have happened that most people would deem "setbacks." It hasn't been easy, but I know that they were God ordained. I have been reading this book about Job and have come to several conclusions.

Job was blameless - I am not. I honestly set myself for all of this, and I thank God He has taken an interest. I can't relate to the magnitude of struggles, but I can tell you a story:

One day my mom's favorite dog, Cowboy, was with the gang (At this particular time, we had 8 dogs) of dogs who loved him dearly. They knew Cowboy was mom's baby, and in turn, they never laid a finger on him and all treated him sweetly. Anytime he came out to play, everyone wanted to hang out with him.

One day, Cowboy got attacked by coyotes. All of the sudden, all the dogs who loved him and were his comrades went for his throat. They started tearing Cowboy to shreds at the first sign of blood.

That is where I feel I am at.

*Incidentally, Cowboy is no longer alive as of last week.

<<<< COWBOY CAME HOME ON DECEMBER 20TH. GOD IS SO FAITHFUL >>>>

Thanksgiving - a time of judgement

Family - they can be the most supportive people in your life, or the most judgmental. My family likes to switch roles. Sometimes they feel the need to inform me that despite the fact that I am only 22, I’m getting old and need to be married and popping out a kid now. I like to think that 22 really isn’t on death’s door. I mean it isn’t like I am over the hill yet or that my womb has died.

Part of this comes from most of my family living in East Texas, where if you are 18 and unmarried you are an old maid, and probably will remain such. My immediate family is very supportive. My mom and dad have always let me do things at my own pace and tried not to interfere. They constantly tell me they are proud of my choices. My other family members however feel the need at Thanksgiving to pinch my cheek, warn me about my fastly encroaching death and warn me to “Get myself a man.”

Is there really anything wrong with being single? What is this plague I wear so boldly? What makes extended family members question my sanity and sexuality because I chose to not couple myself with just any guy. Ever since I was little, my relatives have asked me about my latest boyfriend. Imagine their disappointment every time when my answer was the same as the last - don’t have one… Haven’t met one that was “the one”.

I’m not just going to date for the sake of dating. I am not a lonely miserable person. If someone is going to entice me back on the market, they will have to be pretty special.

I think my relatives should eat more pie. Eating pie makes people happy and keeps them occupied. Pie is the true miracle of the holidays - keeping people quiet, not gossiping and happy.

Pick-up lines

One has to applaud a man who can come up with a unique pick-up line. There is something so absolutely painful about watching a guy use a standard one and having his hopes dashed because of his poor choice. Maybe I am just picky, but I get weirded out if it feels too much like a common everyday pick-up line.

I thought I had heard every one in the book, but the new James Bond movie introduced a new one, “Can you help me find the stationary?” Classy… Yeah right… It was inventive, I suppose, but unless you are Daniel Craig, I just don’t see it working. I have heard many including the standard, “Did it hurt? You know - when you fell from heaven?”, and they typically have the opposite effect of what the guy intended.

In fact, I have made it my mission to come up with anti-pick-up lines. Occasionally a crazy one slips past me to which I have no response. Sometimes creativity gets the better of some people, and they use that one shot with a girl to get straight to their intentions. I have even had one guy ask me “You look different. Did you get laid? Did you want to?” Way to tell a girl up front what’s on your mind.

Yes, there really is no point to this blog, other than to say - if you plan on using a pick-up line anytime soon. Think it through and be creative. And warn your friends…

I guess all this stems from the fact that I am completely not interested in dating and that always seems to be the exact moment many become interested in asking. I don’t know how I can put the “no vacancy” sign any clearer on my forehead. I’m happy being single, and I intend to stay this way for a while.

The perks

Since the last blog was about what guys do wrong, I feel the need to be fair and say what they do right:

1) Guys are loyal. For the most part, guy friends are huge gossipers. They don’t feel the need to tell that juicy bit of news to their guy friends. Granted there are exceptions to every rule, but most guys aren’t as back stabbing as girls.

2) Guys don’t nag for info: When a guy sees I am upset, he typically asks whats wrong and if I don’t want to talk about it - he doesn’t press me. Instead, he tries to do things that take my mind of my problems. Girls, on the other hand, want to know what is going on and will say anything to drag it out of a person.

3) Guys don’t typically sit down and cry about it: Now while there is nothing wrong with a man who cries, they are known for not being as emotional as females. I find that a plus in EVERY way. I typically relate better to guys and enjoy the non drama relationships.

4) They aren’t petty. Guys normally don’t hold grudges for long periods of time.

Random

This post is going to be a few random things I intensely dislike that some guys do:

1) Show off in front of their friends. Sure guys can be sweet and wonderful when you are alone with them, but the second they get in a room filled with other guys, they feel the need to demonstrate who wears the pants in the relationship. Unfortunately, with me that often backfires. I guess as long as I don’t get put down in the process, they can show off as much as they want.

2) They can be non confrontational. If they can sweep it under a rug and pretend it isn’t going to happen, they totally will. I am an in-your-face-kinda-girl. If there is a problem, I don’t believe in letting it fester. I want to talk it out and work on solutions right then and there. That intimidates a lot of guys. I believe in “discussions” rather than fighting, but even that seems to scare them. It drives me crazy that they just can’t come out and say there is a problem so it can be fixed.

3) Obsessed with video games. Ok, so maybe this really isn’t a fair one. We all have our vices. I shall back down. ; )

4) Driven by sex. I can’t tell you how many guys have dated me with only sex in mind. I like to think that there is more to life than sex - Maybe I’m wrong. I have literally had people tell me that they only wanted to be with me if I would sleep with them. I have even had people use that in pick-up lines. (Let me tell you, that was awkward. I prefer that not to be the first thing out of someone’s mouth.). I just don’t like to be seen as a piece of meat.

5) Arrogance. Yes, one word sums it up. If you know your that great, I would prefer not to have to constantly hear about it. I am pretty discerning. It’s one thing to be confident - another entirely to be arrogant.

*DISCLAIMER - Yes, I know that girls have equally bad traits such as being bitchy and whiny… And I know that not all guys exhibit these traits, or if they do, some of them aren’t to the point of driving me crazy.*

This entry was posted on Friday, No

Blind leading the blind cont...

In last weeks blog, I left it at the dramatic point - I stopped answering my phone.

After several calls the guy finally gave up. But I soon couldn’t stand my childishness and decided to call the guy and tell him I didn’t think a relationship was going to work. I was going to give him all the excuses one normally gives in the situation of having a 31-year-old man with two Harleys hitting on her because her speech teacher gave her number out.

I had it all planned out in my head- I would call him and tell him I really wasn’t over my ex. I couldn’t move on - or some such likely excuse.

The phone rang twice, and he answered. With a shaky voice, I asked him how he was doing and he asked me if I got his flowers. Then a horrible thing happened, he started talking to someone else that sounded suspiciously like my speech teacher.

Low and behold, it was. Freaked out, I could no longer continue the “break up”. He said he was over at my speech teacher’s house eating dinner, and I tried to calmly as possible tell him, I hoped he had a great time and I’ll talk to him later.

Nerves shot, I never called him again. He tried once more and gave up. i was worried that my grade in speech class might be in jeopardy, but for some reason, I still managed to pull an “A”.

So yes, I have had my chance at dating the dark mysterious, older Harley-driving man and turned it down. Take from it what you will.

The blind leading the blind

The day was cold and rainy - a sign of what was to come. On Thursdays, I had a several classes including a Speech night class. I was so sick that I couldn’t leave the junior college I attended that day. So I just laid down on the floor and tried to sleep it off. The only reason I made myself stay was because I had a test.

As I sat there taking my test, oblivious to anything besides my own loopiness. (SIDENOTE: I try not to take anything… Because on good days, I smell cough syrup and I am out cold. I have never been tempted to do drugs because it really doesn’t take much to lay me low. That particular day, I had more than my fair share of cough syrup. ) During the test, my teacher called me up to the front of the class. She asked me if I would mind if she gave my phone number to one of her friends. She was completely sure we would be perfect together. He was tall, nice and had a ponytail. Sure he was, 12 years older than me. But what was a little age?

I was completely out of it. I shrugged and told her I really didn’t care. I just needed people to quit harassing me and sleep.

The next morning I woke up with a start, scared at what had happened the night before. I couldn’t remember any details besides the fact that my speech teacher was giving my number out. I finally calmed myself down after realizing the chances of a complete stranger calling my number was slim.

Two weeks later, I received a phone call from a Harley-owning, 31 year old. At the time, I was 19.

After talking to him a week and feeling my grade might be in jeopardy, I agreed to have coffee . I asked him if two of my friends could tag along - a guy and a girl. (SIDENOTE 2:What guy in his right mind goes on a blind date with a girl and her friends?)…

The guy arrived at the coffee shop and stared at me the whole time. Freaked out, I just kept talking. (SIDENOTE 3: I tend to talk even more than normal when nervous) The more I talked the more he acted like he liked me. The next day he sent me funeral flowers. I realize he meant for them to be a kind gesture, but apparently the flower shop had several funerals that week and were in that mindset when they arranged it.

The whole incident disturbed me and so I took the childish approach and stopped answering my phone.

***Read next week’s blog for the conclusion to my second blind date***

You know who you are don't do it again.

In 2006, “Do not answer”* and I were dating. He was absolutely in love with one of my sterling silver bracelets. That fact, only slightly concerned me about him - I mean seriously, it was a girl’s bracelet. To make a long story short, he asked to borrow it and said he would give it back to me on my birthday. Unfortunately, we broke up a week later. The bracelet was lost to me - or so I thought.

Now that I am back on speaking terms with him, I asked for my bracelet back. The bracelet has sentimental value to me as it was given to me by my grandmother. After pretending he gave it to some one else, he came clean and promised to mail it.

I find it rather ironic that my birthday is in a week and kinda hope he sends it back to me in time. I am chocking this one up to another strange “Abigail and her ex” moments, of which, I seem to have so many. I’ll keep you posted as to when I get the bracelet back.

PS: The blog title actually has nothing to do with my ex and has to do with a classified ad in The Shorthorn.

*See “Ex marks the spot”

Ex marks the spot

His name became “do not answer” in my phone.

I thought I cared about him a long time ago, but several years later and plenty of time to reflect - I now know better. I broke up with him, but for years, he would randomly pop back into my life during times of crisis. ***On a side note - how many friends can you really have get shot? During the three years I have known him, he has had at least two friends die from being shot, and he has been shot at himself. Crisis follow this boy.***

Recently, he added me on Facebook, and we started talking again. It seriously doesn’t bother me that we talk, but I do find it rather weird. I found out he has been in a six month relationship. Last week, he sent me a message asking my advice on his relationship. (When did I become “Dear Abby?”) After talking him through his crisis and giving him what little advice I could offer, I found myself wondering how I get in these situations. Currently, I am in communication with all of my ex’s, and I am pretty much the first person they call when they need someone to listen or advice. ***sidenote2: He and his girlfriend are doing well. Apparently they have resolved all their problems.***

I still care about each of them on a strictly friendship basis. I have only dated three guys even remotely serious in my life. All of them were my best friend at the time so I know a lot about their past, fears and problems. But is this really healthy?

Saving my ex’s relationships, one day at a time is definitely not how I plan on living out the rest of my life. I guess I am just too nice.

Spell Check

About a year ago, I delved into the wonderful world of unlimited text messages. The details of how I survived before this are a little hazy and I am unsure that I really was able to function at full “communication capacity” before this. My mom has often said that I have a word quota that I have to get out every day, which would explain why at the end of the day I spend quite a bit of time talking and text messaging.

But my glorious new found freedom of communicating without actually talking comes with a great price. I am unable to send text messages without proper punctuation and will only shorten the word “you” to “u” if the 156 characters allotted per text message isn’t getting my point across.

In fact, to get a text message that says “Wats up wit u. 2nite im gonna zzz good,” sends me into complete meltdown. So I guess my question is - if a guy is going to hit on me via text message, knowing full well that I plan to make a living off my pen, why wouldn’t he put in the extra time to spell out “tonight”?

I wish I could say I have only had one guy try to win me over with bad grammar and shortened words, but that would be an understatement. I just don’t understand this phenomenon, which extends beyond text messages to emails, Facebook wall posts, and the occasional letter (Though I can almost understand people misspelling in letters because obviously they haven’t made a “Papercheck 008″, which handily corrects your penmanship as you write).

Just last week, one of my dear friends decided to tell me I was the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, the only word in the whole entire text message that resembled something in Websters was the word “dreams”.

Yes, maybe I am being a hypocrite because obviously I fall short of being a whiz at spelling, and I did say there are only two things I am looking for. But nevertheless, I can’t help but feel words do matter, and while occasional misspelling happens it should not be the norm.

So I guess, you can add that to the list of things I am looking for - someone who can spell the word “you”.

Fair Warning

For those who are easily bored this might be the blog you want to skip - consider yourself warned. An explanation to my single status must be taken care of before I can get into the on-going tales of bad blind dates gone wrong, awesome pick-up lines and ex’s who just can’t take a hint.

I don’t date because….

I have never been one to date for the sake of dating. Yes, I have dated several guys and even become serious with a few. I wouldn’t trade what I learned from those relationships for anything, but I have to admit I see dating as rather pointless. I have watched my friends go from one relationship to the next leaving pieces of their heart along the relationship trail, and I can’t see the merit of “dating around”.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in marriage and getting to know someone before taking the plunge. But when you know the person isn’t right - why bother staying in a dead-end relationship.

* If at this point, if I still have readers and they happen to be wondering - No, I haven’t been in a extremely long relationship*

After dating several guys and having my heart broken at least once, I realized what I was looking for in a relationship. Looks, wealth, career goals and even height (because I am nearly six foot tall and dating shorter can be a challenge) really mean nothing to me. I honestly, just want two things…

What I am looking for:

1) Someone who loves God more than me and has a personal relationship with Him.
2) Someone who loves me a whole heck of a lot.

I don’t think people realize how rare a man my ideal is. I am not asking he be tall, dark and handsome - able to make lots of money and hold a conversation with French noble men. I just want him to fulfill those two requirements.

Staying single is hard because…

The reason dating can be a problem for me is most guys know my expectations and try to mimic what I want. Short-term it seems like it might work but long-term it never does. At this point I would rather be single, because I won’t and can’t settle for any less.

Another reason is because I tend to be outgoing, I constantly have the oddest awkward moments with the opposite sex. Many people, male and female, have mistaken my being nice for flirting and tried to ask me out.

In the future, my blog will probably consist of more of my thoughts on dating, crazy people who can’t take “no” for an answer and past “Abigail dating moments.”

Sheeple

When at a loss - make up a word.

Several years ago after following a crowd of rowdy teenagers off the legendary cliff mothers always warn their children about, my mom sat me down to have the “let’s be unique” conversation. She told me I should strive to not be a “sheeple” (As near as I can figure, she meant sheep are dumb and will follow each other about blindly.)

During this conversation, I guess I must have been listening (evidenced by the fact that I remember the exact word she said), and even decided to not live my life by anyone’s standards but my own. I have been mocked and criticized for my stance on dating and relationships, but then again, the stories that come from my approach to dating have been the amusement of many friends.

As a journalist, my life revolves around writing and the ability to make everything into a story. I have often said everything is a story - one just has to find the right angle. This is the reason, I have decided to blog about my lack of healthy relationships or really - relationships in general. I choose to remain single not because I am picky about looks, types or worldly possessions, but because I have one thing I am looking for and haven’t quite found it yet.

Unfortunately, friends, ex’s and family never seem to understand my happy single state, and thus the amusing stories begin…

Indiana...

So you like me...

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

- A concept that nobody ever seems to get. The only way to my heart is through Him because my life is not my own. I belong to Him, and any interested person has to have His approval and blessing. Pursing me will get them nowhere - because I don't make the decisions.

I liken it to a Dad giving His approval in the days when marriages were arranged. The dad was always the one to have the final say and I am sure the "suitor" did everything he could to prove his worth. I guess guys today struggle with this (well first off because none of them have a clue who He is) because it seems so outdated and old fashioned.

It doesn't take much to impress me - my approval means nothing. I am waiting for the go ahead. Anyone who wants me - needs to first get His approval. I am easy to convince after that.

It's painful to me because many have tried to prove their love and find God but their efforts have been for my sake. They haven't treated my God (Father) like he is a real person just an afterthought. They liked the idea of me, but weren't willing to commit. In my weak mindedness, I thought maybe I was imagining this. I fell for them, but found their relationship with the most important thing in my life to be non existent. I allowed it so it was my fault, but the deception hurt nontheless.

What I am looking for:
1) Someone who loves God more than me and has a personal relationship with Him.
2) Someone who loves me a whole heck of a lot.

I realize such a man is rare and I am just waiting for the one who understands. I won't and can't settle for any less because like I said - it isn't my decision.


-Abigail

The Hardest Part

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I,
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh, and I,
Oh, and I,
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

-Coldplay

Rainbow

I was reading a friends blog about rainbows and God's promises at 5:30 this morning when the tears started.

Yesterday I went into work and saw this incredible rainbow!! I was completely taken back! I felt like the Lord was telling me that His truth and promises never fade. He IS faithful to what He says! I took that picture with my phone and looked it for a moment. When I looked up the rainbow had vanished! I felt saddened by this until I heard the Lord speak to me. Even though the 'symbol' of His promises are not always seen, I can still take Him at His word. That is why we believe! Especially when we can't see.

This past week, I have had to re-evaluate my life and the decisions I have made. I have been so upset with not measuring up that I have blocked people out and even just turned myself off. Facing the reality of who I was and how I couldn't fix it, has been to much. I love Jesus so much and know He loves me, but my frustration at who I am really was overwhelming. I keep forgetting He promises to fix me and that I would never be able to do it on my own. I just need to be willing.

I always seem to do this - I do so well but then I hit a mountain, close down for a while and then realize He can fix it. I really am just stupid at times.

Present:
I have messed up quite a bit the last couple of months.
There are issues in my life that I thought I dealt with that have come back to haunt me.
I can not curb these problems on my own. I have been living and giving into my flesh.
Some of these issues have steamed from things that have happened in my past.
Sometimes I shut down when the problems seem to massive.


What the facts are:
He's just waiting for me to repent and I have. His love covers everything.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. Song of Solomon 8:6-7

If He caused the issues to be in my life in the first place - He can heal me.

Jesus crucified His flesh and can help me "die".
If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2

"Our feelings do not affect God's facts. They may blow up, like clouds, and cover the eternal things that we do most truly believe. We may not see the shining of the promises-but they still shine! [His strength] is not for one moment less because of our human weakness." -Amy Carmichael

Stepmom

In my latest line of work, I get to meet some of the most interesting people. Since people are one of my biggest passions, this can be both good and bad.

Last night I had a table of two dad's and four 13-year-old girls. After giving them, excellent service for over an hour (I wish - but I did try hard, I left the check at the table. One of the dad's asked my name cause by then he had forgotten it.

He said he had a question and asked me where the closest place to buy beer was at. I told him any local convenient store, and he responded "Are you sure, I thought Arlington was dry." I told him I would get him someone who was an "actual" drinker. So I asked another server to answer the question.

After the other server left the dad, said "I have one more question."
I was like, "yes".
And he said," My daughter thinks you are hitting on me."
[What do you say to that????]
I promptly replied that I wasn't because my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and I am just a naturally outgoing person.
The girl looked at me and said, "Well it just seemed like you were."
Noticing my ring, she asked,"Are you married?"
I said,"No"
She said, "Don't you like my dad?"
I said,"My boyfriend can't find out." Winked and left....

I swear - I get in awkward situations all the time. But for "ho'ing" myself out - I sure got an amazing tip.

So Hollow..

Why is it when you have nothing left to give - everyone starts calling...

It never fails when I feel I am a goner, nothing left to give, tired beyond belief and unsure about everything - that 10 people call me crying and "lost" looking for answers. My heart breaks for them, yet I feel so inadequate.

Because the POWER comes from His love:

It's moments like these that I realize God's strength. Because when I have nothing left to give, I realize it was never about me to begin with. They just need someone to love them and listen to them. They don't need me shoved down their throats - they just need His love.

I'm in love with a Man I'm in love with a Stranger
I'm in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I'm in love with the Lamb I'm in love with the Lion
I'm in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love

If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
if I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn't leave even if a tried
I must have You I must have You

When it's been said and when it's all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

I'm living for Love - I'm desperate for Love. I am only satisfied by Him... God Himself is love. I want to live for an audience of one.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

Quirky Granny

Most people are bland and live out the mundane lives they have carved out for themselves. Their normalcy and decision to strive only to fit in with society keeps them from living extrodanairy lives.Occasionally, I stumble upon a person who makes my life entirely worth living, a person whose quirkiness makes me appreciate my last breath.

This past weekend, I spent most of the day straddling a tractor and raking hay on this piece of property way out in the middle of no where. The land is seemingly eerie. I can't even begin to describe how driving through the gates of this property almost takes you into another diminsion. I am not one to believe in ghosts but according to the owner of the property - there has been many a sighting. The woman inherited the property from her grandmother and said in the evenings she sees her grandmother walking the property.

There is also our neighbor who believes Big Foot exists and lives only to take a picture with the creature. That is his ultimate goal in life.

There are also people who make me wonder how we even exist.

The couple who are trying to get their sister (who is going to jail)'s baby. They live in such horrible conditions that CPS won't let them have the child. In their laziness, they won't do anything to improve their conditions and have sewage running through their property. The woman works next to a free dumping site but never takes advantage of it.

I enjoy my rare quirky finds. Like I said - these people make life worth while.

Faceless clock

Trying not to look at a clock
Losing track of time
Sleep is hard to come by
A regular stand off

He's waiting for her
and she just scared
Foolish really, and she knows it
But He keeps waiting

Shut down, not functioning
Won't fake a smile
She can't keep this up
He knows she'll remember

She finally stops
Realizes what she already knew
He keeps His promise
Time's no longer an issue

Harlot

As I signed my name, a funny look crossed my best friend's face. Looking at him suspiciously, I asked what he was thinking. He replied, "I always thought your last name was harlot - don't get me wrong... I thought that was crazy and I know you are the farthest thing from it - but what can I say - that is what I thought."

God says, " If a husband divorces his wife and she goes from him and belongs to another man, Will he still return to her? Will not that land be completely polluted? But you are a harlot with many lovers; Yet you turn to Me," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 3:1

You said, "I'll take that harlot"
And You said, "I'll make her my bride"
You said, "I'll take that beggar"
And You said, "I'll make him a king"
You said, "I'll take that pauper"
And You said, "Come sit beside me"
You said, "I'll take those ashes"
And You said, "Beauty, Beauty for ashes"

Harlot has always seemed like such a severe word - only to be used for those who truly deserve it. But I now believe it is also a condition of the heart, and really has nothing to do with what one has done.

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
It is sweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

I know what I am, I also know who He is... And because of that - I know it will all be okay.

To be His.....

A friend who has always been right there beside me in the trenches was given this and gave it to me.

you cannot force the course of nature
but you can direct yours
you cannot predict another's thoughts
but do not let it pause yours
attachment is an addiction
so acknowledge that u are addicted
and go move on
nobody said you are doomed to one feeling
and no one ever said you are unlovable
all that u are showing is a childish person
that needs to grow up once and for all
do not be afraid to leave people
do not be afraid to hurt them
instead be afraid of hurting yourself
because at the end no one's gonna be there for u
but yourself
every man will hurt you
but not all can break you
so choose the right instinct
because quotes and sayings about love
ain't necessarily true
save yourself for someone
who truly adores u
not someone who hurts u
fall for someone who believes in who u can be
not for someone who lingers on your yesterday
guts matter not blabber
you will soon fly away
just wait patiently
once shut, never open widely again
be cautious
listen to your most trusted person
and best of all do not forget to pray
because at His given time and place
someone will stay...

Bloom where you are planted.

I can't even begin to explain all the delicious sights and smells that come to mind when I think of my teenage years and those spent with my Great Grandmother. Everything was covered in glitter or smelled of roses (and in most cases - both). A sense of warmth and belonging filled every room as you lost track of time and clocks chimed every 5 minutes.

Probably if I learned anything from my Great Grandmother besides wanting to be exactly like her, I learned about making my small part of life as pleasant as I could by choosing to be happy. She had a small framed picture of this hideous orange flower surrounded by the words "Bloom where you are planted." And that is exactly what she did everyday. Despite the pain she endured, despite the anger of the teenage girl that lived with her, despite her crazy daughters and their unhappy marriages - she woke up happy, put on her lipstick, talked to the birds outside her window and kept smiling the whole day long.

Everything could be fixed with either a cup of coffee and a chat or a coat of glitter.

Who am I to mope or fret? The key to happiness runs in my blood... And tomorrow I plan on putting on lip gloss and conquering the world.

All flesh is grass, fading away.
Only You last, only You remain
All flesh is grass, fading away.


Surely man is like the flower of the field,
And life is but a vapor, at best but a vapor.

I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on

Lil' Black Thang

Her name was simple... How could you put a handle on something so volatile, spirited, and spontaneous. Nothing owned her - she was her own and she did things her way. And in all reality I just couldn't name her. For the first time in my life - I choked on naming a pet because she just wasn't one. The cat remained nameless instead coming only to "Lil Black Thang". Should I have seen it as the start of a trend in my life?

Today, at work we looked over the meaning of several people's names. I have known mine to be "A Father's Joy" ever since I was little, and honestly never thought it was referring to my earthly father (though he does smile at my abigailisms).

All I want is to be His joy... And yet I have been so indecisive lately, I don't know how to go about that. I guess as long as I keep searching for Him, the indecisiveness will fade, and I will be able to "give the cat a name."

Jesus, here I am your favored one
What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
I have to know...

- Misty Edwards.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

Dog and Pony Show.

I long for words to pour out and my ability to dream and create to spring forth. I find myself writing more than I ever have in my life, and yet not writing at all. Seemingly gone, are the days that I am able to express my thoughts on a blank page. I find myself wondering if I have become a machine, and not a human with deep expressive thoughts. Or maybe all this writing has ruined the one thing I hold dear.

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
Thomas Mann

If I have lost my passion for writing, then I feel I am a mere visage - nothing deep, just an outer shell of what I used to be. Not being able to write, makes me feel old and useless.

Don't get me wrong - I can write articles until they come out my ears but when it comes to my own individual free thought being transformed on a page, I am utterly deficient.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my blog but I laughed when I read it.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
Robert Heinlein

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
Isabel Colegate

Words

I wish I had the words to write... But that is just it - they are words. I guess desperate, needy, hopelessly and incandesently in love... Those words describe what is going through my head. I am desperate and if I am not - I pray that I soon will be. Nothing matters, everything is tainted without Him.

All my loves are secondary to this one...My heart was made to love Him. My heart craves that love. I cannot deny it.

Fear

My old adversary stood looking at me with a sickly grin on his face. He knew I was broken, weary and worldly. His eyes showed no compassion - only pleasure as he carefully planned his final blow. He had been after me for a while and we had fought many times.

This was no different. Sadly, I was no different.

He had robbed me of my dignity, my hopes and happiness... And I had let him. But no more. He thought he had won. He felt surely this time he could take me down.

But as always, I remembered what it was like to be free and victorious. What it was like to have a champion who fights all my battles for me. I quickly sought Him out and with remorse begged for Him to take me back. My champion had been waiting in the wings. Waiting for me to remember Him.

Song of Solomon 8

"Find me," He said. I heard it in the still of the night as clearly as if someone was in the room.

I sat up and looked around... and heard it again. My heart stirred and I knew what I was to do. I longed for Him, wanted Him, didn't feel compete without Him, yet had been too busy.

Once again I had allowed myself to get bogged down. I hadn't spent time with Him. I was in a sad state because the one thing that breathed life into me was pushed away --but no longer. Everything in me rebelled. No longer would I push Him away. My very bones cried out for Him just as He cried out for me.

So stupid because there is NOTHING more important to me than Him. Where had my priorities gone? Nothing more important then hearing His voice. How had I forgotten the very thing that I live for. How fickle I am.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I will set you as a seal upon my heart,
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters can not quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart


All consuming fire your my hearts desire

There is nothing more that I want to do then be His. I want to waste my life for Him.

I will waste my life
I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me just to find i am at your feet
Let me find I'm your feet

I'll leave my father's house and
I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known
and I'll have no other

For I am in Love with You
There is no cost
I am in Love with you
There is no loss
I am in love with you
I want to take your name
I am in love with you
I want to take your name
I am in love with you
I want to cling to you, Jesus
Just let me cling to you, Jesus

- Misty Edwards....

Bring on the Sun

What a beatiful day! This is my favorite time of year, when the weather flirts with summer. Lately, they haven't made the decision to go steady because of committment issues, but I am coaxing them to get back together.In the past they have had some problems, but I know the two are perfect for each other. I am suggesting couples therapy, and I am completely content to play matchmaker.

Days like this remind me of Elizabethtown when they talk about taking some time to dance alone with one hand held high.

Match Fire

Not sure why I feel like talking about this, buckle in for some gruesome analogies that make absolutely no sense.

I am sure if you know me this will be just another "Abigail" moment and you will walk off shaking your head. If you don't know me - well, I feel for you. You just wasted part of your life - reading the jumbled up thoughts of my brain.

I have in the past craved to be passionate about something - something/anything to be truly passionate over.

I have come to the conclusion that I am matchfire (compared to roaring flames or dying embers - lol) passionate about two things and bonfire passionate about one. Writing and people top out my list of burning candle-wick loves. While the raging inferno goes entirely to my Lord and Savior (okay, to be real - right now it is just a camp fire but in the past it has been a California wild fire, and it is not for lack of Him trying).

It is hard to feel anything right now except numb. Sometimes it seems, I am basically on autopilot. I never used to wish for days to go by, but now I find myself living for Thursdays - the last day of school for the week.

Phantom of the Opera soundtrack is raging through my brain as I remember what it was like to be passionate.

This week was amazing. God really took care of some things that were bothering me, and helped me turn some disasters into good. I am so grateful for everything He did.

There is not enough skipping in my life. And probably not enough "happy dances". Life is not worth living if there isn't any dancing going on.

I am excited though - because tomorrow is a new unwritten day and I have already penciled in at least one awkward dance moment.

Please turn red...

I have come to appreciate red lights. In this fast paced world, I find often find myself in need of a moment to gain my thoughts, listen to good music, sing at the top of my lungs - and that one minute of time does all that for me. I have a hard time scheduling "me time" because everytime I do it turns into "sleep time". Red lights take care of that...


Please turn red
Another light means another minute

When this works out I'll give the cat a name.

I can't really explain why I have the sudden interest in writing for my blog again. The feeling reminds me of going back to a house that someone you loved died in and walking through the rooms. It sounds stupid, I know, but luckily no one cares or will read my nostalgic moments. I mean, why should all good memories of the house be tainted just because the beloved owner no longer lives in the house. I have said before - I have to write. I don't have to be read. Most of my innermost thoughts aren't ready to be viewed by the public because I am still digging deeper into the "why". If I was to truly write down all the thoughts in my head at any given time - no one would ever be able to make sense of them - least of all me. And yet, here I am compelled to write. Compelled to keep typing. Something about seeing it in black and white always seems to unlock the unknown in me.

So here I am writing as if I was going through a haunted house. Tip toeing through the memories. Wading through the dust and spider webs. Just to remember how far I have come.

I like to think that I am improving, that what I do matters. But I look at everything going on and people in my life - and feel discouraged. I have never expected to change them, but since they constantly come to me for advice and I tell them the same thing over and over - you would think they would either leave me alone or change.

It is sad life has to be so complicated.

~A

6 - years - old

He was 6-years-old.

I had a dream about him the other night. I had almost forgotten the dimples when he smiled, the squirrely grin, the chillibow haircut and the consistent problem of him not turning out his toes.

I was his assistant teacher. Nicholas was a most adorable boy in a class room filled with little ballerinas. He loved ballet. He got to play all the manly roles.

He was so little. I can still see him struggling to pick up Marrissa in the doll dance, and Marrissa was about three feet tall.

As far as we could tell, his mother seemed like a caring sensitive woman. We knew she was having problems in her marriage, but she seemed to have them all under control. I always thought she was the epitome of a rocker chick. She had long permed hair, wore no make-up, and had her right eyebrow pierced.

I will never forget the day I received the phone call. The teacher of the ballet class called me because she wanted to prepare me for questions from the students.

Nicholas was dead.

His mother had lit fire to the hall outside his bedroom, and they both died in the fire. The neighbor had heard him and tried to get him out but couldn't because there were bars on his windows. I think I remember her doing it because in her mind she was protecting him from her husband.

Things are blurry now, but one thing I know - He will always be 6, and I will always remember.

2008 the Year of the Ice cream Binge

It is 2008 and I am rebelling against the whole system of New Years Resolutions. It seems such a stupid idea. If I decide on a couple then, I will ineveitably fail at something I should be doing anyways, and then spend a week moping because I am such a loser. I have decided that I really dont' have a week to spend eating ice cream out of the carton and watching "I love Lucy" reruns so i am going to choose abby-stinance (Thank you Braden) and refrain from resolving to make my life better.

On the other hand (Warning - though this next sentence sounds conveniently like a New Years Resolution. I will have you know, It is by NO means one.), I have made up my mind (hmmmm, that seems to be another phrase for "I resolve") that I plan on getting back into shape. It is completely pitiful that if a mass murderer was chasing me with a sledge hammer, I would have to lay down and look pleadingly into his eyes all the while my mind screaming, "This is the best you can do. You deserve to die."

So I do plan on getting back in shape. And I plan on eating healthier also. Not that is a resolution either, it just happens to go hand in hand with working out. One is pointless without the other.

I also vow to cut back on the OHMYGOSH's... But that is stricly for Ross' sake. I am sure he doesn't thinks I can.