What I wish I had know before I got married:

1) Movies are completely wrong. I'll let you know when I see a realistic one.

2) You never completely know your husband - it's terrible when you stop trying to explore his nature. He needs to be pursued.

3) Your relationship with God changes, because all of the sudden you are one person in two people's bodies.

4) There is no Better Wives Bureau, but there should be.

5) Marriage can cause a sudden loss of friends.

6) Pet names for each other can be great as long as they aren't too graphic. The public isn't ready for such nonsense. And Hippo is never acceptable or cute.

7) A man's truck is his castle. Don't wash it with a brillo pad.

8) One chick flick to 10 action films is a reasonable deal.

9) Everything is a "that's what she said" and should be treated as thus.

10) Guys don't understand girls so go easy on them and spell things out a lot.

10.5) Which brings me to my next point -Use the term Halo numbers when exaggerating (It's easy to understand). IE: " I washed a thousand dishes in halo numbers of course." Quite similar to killing "9" grunts when in actuality you have only killed 4.

11) Keep a close eye on the unmentionable drawer.

12) Two walk-in-closets can sometimes not be enough.

13) Turtlenecks= shrugs

14) Bed and Breakfast= AWESOME

15) Don't skimp on the honeymoon.

16) Don't forget to put a why behind I love you occasionally or those three words become meaningless.

17) People will always look at you crazy when you tell your dog "mommy wants you to go find daddy."

18) There is no magical day when the fighting completely stops. You are two people dying to oneself. Doesn't mean you have to always agree.

19) Guns do complicate matters, but in the end are a good thing.

20) Champagne baths

21) One screw-up meal a month is allowed -That is all.

21.5) If you are not an expert, carrot is not a good base for a soup.

21.75) Remember to shell your crustaceans before putting them in a meal.

22) Buy the five pack of pregnancy test - it's completely worth it.

23) Love letters don't need to stop just because you got married. Looking back on your history is one of the best things you can do.

23.5) You should write her a love song because she asked for one, Cause she needs one - you see.

24) Apologies go a long way.

25) Don't let your dog play with your husband's soccer ball.

26) Frozen grapes.

27) Always remind your husband when you have the grill in the back of the truck especially when nearing the garage.

28) Nobody likes to be an iphone widower

29) Don't forget to pray over your husband in front of him. NOT SARCASTICALLY.

30) Never forget marriage means FOREVER... No outs.

A great evil has taken over my house

There is a great evil in my house. My dog seems to think the devil himself resides here now.

It all started yesterday. Helo (my dog) noticed the outdoors started becoming indoors. Bright lights attacked him from every angle and glitter covered his fur. Sure of the devil's hand in my Christmas decoration, he has lived in constant wariness. He sleeps with one eye open, sure his soul is about to be taken from him. Letting out little barks of warning at every turn, he tries to warn me of the impending doom. It doesn't help that these are dark days anyway as daylight savings time creeps up upon us.

My husband and I just wanted to decorate together for once before he goes back to work. We had no idea how it might crack our dog and send him to a puppy insane asylum.

Happy First Christmas Helo!