James Bond

Okay, so maybe I have a problem. To comfort myself when my husband is gone, I have surrounded myself with many eyes. Bunnies, dolphins, snowmen - all in various shapes, sizes and textures give me that added sense of not being alone - at least until the lights go off. Then they peer through devilish eyes waiting to seize my soul.

I have always been the kind of person who wants to be alone on my own terms. I love being alone, but only when I decide that's the way I want it. Unfortunately, with my husband's job I don't get to chose these said times.

Our house is big and makes a lot of weird noises during the night. There is no knight in shining armor, no James Bond to rescue a damsel in distress... Only me and the killer bunnies. Monty Python has nothing on us.

I guess what I am trying to warn anyone visiting my house, if you see a bunny tail facing out - he's not in time out. I am just not allowing him to steal my soul. Not on my watch.

Transformed...

Who doesn't deal with a bit of self loathing? In my freshman year of college, my psych teacher asked all of her students to write down the top thing we would change about our body -given a chance. As she read off the hated body parts, she came to a curious one. Thinking of nothing physically I truly hated, I wrote down my second toe as it was longer than the big toe and I had received many insults concerning it. My entire class broke out and started begging for the culprit to fess up.

Everyone else had weight issues, noses that were broken, or downright wanted to change everything. I have always found that the parts I wanted to change were never on the outside. I have seen people completely sold out to Christ and wanted that desperately. Always feeling like I fall short. Knowing the price of their relationship to be costly. I will always want to change. I will always want more. When I feel like I am slipping off the path, this hatred of what I am becoming always pulls me back.

I have been reading Jeremiah a lot lately, and he still slightly baffles me. He endured persecution, people who didn't believe him time and time again, devastation, his family betrayed him and yet he continued to preach the harsh message that God continuely placed on his heart. He was never popular and was hated by all. Kings suffered horrible deaths because they didn't listen to his warning. And I know, that if just one had listened it would have made me feel better. He suffered it all gladly because of the voice. He had the God of the Universe speaking to him -dwelling with him in the secret place. People take the voice for granted - until it leaves. Then they become desperate.

Oh that I was desperate!

The only time I can ever say that change came easy is when I married my husband. I won't say that it is easy being married or having one's identity completely tied into another persons. But from the second, I knew he was the one, I was a changed girl. I knew there was no going back. I wasn't right without him. I wasn't whole. Sometimes I feel like that about God, and other times I slip. I know my relationship to Jesus is a mirror of my marriage, but I guess having a husband who always let's his presence be known and demands my attention - makes it easier to keep up the relationship.

Oh how I hate....

Several friends have prompted me to write about my upcoming wedding, and I would have already done so if I had a half-way decent internet connection. But alas, Rabbit Run Farm(My parents house) is stuck in the age of dial-up leaving me bitter and frustrated when it comes to blogging.

I plan on blogging about how I met the most wonderful man in the whole world (sometime in the near future), and what led me (a person deeply afraid of commitments) to take the plunge into the great unknown (needless to say he's really special and there is no way I could live without him).

But today, I think I will focus on garage sales. Garage sales are the bane of my existence... The absolute fuel that causes all the love in my heart to be drained. So why I agreed to participate in three of them is beyond me. The logic seemed worthy as my mom explained that my poor new husband was going to have to bear the brunt of all the trinkets I had collected since pre-school. I lived in horror of trashing out his house with polly pockets and grand champion horses. I was just about ready to do anything to save my pride from taking box after box of crap to my man's house. Plus, my mom explained that the money earned from the garage sale could go towards the wedding.

Three garage sales later - I was ready to kill anything and anyone in my path. But we did manage to make a little money (and all the stuff went to Goodwill so I never have to see it again. While in my head I know that garage sales and purging are not the end of the world, I think it is still going to take me some time to quit shuddering at the very mention of those words.

Glory

The other day at work when one of my coworkers walked past me, I flashed him this big smile. His entire countenance changed and he said, "You know, normally you have a smile on your face, but there are some days where your smile is almost unearthly - Like you are in a different place."

And I am...

I love that the glory I experience can be seen on my face.

"For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you. And His glory shall be seen upon you." Isaiah 60:2

Here are some of the words I got from that place:

I have called you. Rise my beloved. I want more. Most of all, from you - I want quality time.

The Fire will come, and you will be consumed.

The Bible is full of Me calling people, begging them for a relationship. I keep begging because of the lack of response. Come My beloved. All will worship before me, eventually. I want them to chose Me now. I am still begging.

Just rest in Me. Isn't My presence enough? Don't you just want to be with me? Isn't enough? Must you only come to me with problems. We don't have to speak. I just like being with you. Spending time. Staring eye to eye.

Thoughts

I love words... Especially the words relating to God - imperishable, undefiled, hope, glory, peace, joy, salvation, conformed and unblemished. Right now, I feel a renewed hope in words. I don't exactly know how to explain it.

I originally went into journalism because words meant a lot to me. I was a firm believer in the fact that the right words caused change - anything could be said in a way that would make a difference. Now I see the error in my logic. Yes, words still have power and can change anything. But only if they are spoken from the Life Source.

One of my few desires is to have His words constantly flow through me whether it be a word of encouragement, praise or scripture.

Shrinking Head Potion

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
Mark Twain

"I like life. It's something to do."
Ronnie Shakes

I have to think most people are bland and live mundane lives they have carved out for themselves. Their normalcy and decision to strive only to fit in with society keeps them from living extrodanairy lives. Occasionally, I stumble upon a person who makes my life entirely worth living, a person whose quirkiness makes me appreciate my last breath. Sometimes I can even pick them out of a crowd. It might be an obviously straight guy who carries a girly bag, or a girl who likes to share way too much personal information in class.

Being able to appreciate people and their quirkiness, happens to be one of the things that keeps me happy. Lately, I thought I had lost that. But today, I found it again. And believe me, it is not something I want to give up. Life is too short not to be happy. Not to look it straight in the eyes and laugh. I don't ever want to be the person that answers "nothing much" when asked what I was up to. Everyone has a story to tell.

Probably if I learned anything from my Great Grandmother besides wanting to be exactly like her, I learned about making my small part of life as pleasant as I could by choosing to be happy. She had a small framed picture of this hideous orange flower surrounded by the words "Bloom where you are planted." And that is exactly what she did everyday. Despite the pain she endured, despite the anger of the teenage girl that lived with her, despite all of her circumstances - she woke up happy, put on her lipstick, talked to the birds outside her window and kept smiling the whole day long.

Everything could be fixed with either a cup of coffee and a chat or a coat of glitter.

I thoroughly enjoyed today.

Here are some recent humorous topics/happenings this week in short:

"If he shaved his head, he'd have AIDS."

The rebuttal:

"There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams." The Office

RANDOM NAMES:
Snarl
Barney
Thing 1
Thing 2
Rising Star
Pocahontas
Sparta
Mr. Priss


Question:
"Have you ever wondered if there is a such thing as a shrinking head potion? I mean what about people with small heads."

Reponse:
"That's freakish"

Riding the pony.

Boy Craziness

"Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'." The Office

Chipotle Date.

Serial Killer Handwriting.

"I guess I need to watch more Criminal Minds so I can profile if he's the kind of serial killer that you need to be good friends with because he doesn't know his victims or run away from."

Shake it...

I'm sorry for being so cynical lately. My joyful nature and love for life got zapped somewhere in life's troubles. It's not like me, and I refuse to stay here. I know what to do, I know how to fix this. Life is always going to be problematic, but I don't have to react this way. I can embrace it with dancing in the parking lot, laughter and the typical Abigail look.

Thanks for standing by. It will get better, but only by His grace.

I had a great night with God the other day. I felt so insignificant, so unworthy and so weak. I have always considered myself strong and yet I was weak. I found myself begging Him not to leave me alone. I guess all the previous rejections had finally gotten to me. I just kept begging Him and of course He stayed. He chose me. He even told me He has promised me things and to ask Him to prove it because He would. So He's not going to leave, and He's going to prove everything to me. This chick is going to be fine.

This blog was particularly hard for me to write because I like to think I am a strong person and nothing gets to me. In the past I felt I had to be strong, I couldn't let things get to me because if I fell apart who would take up the slack? Showing weakness is something I NEVER wanted to do. Unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control lately brought out my weaknesses.

The God of the universe loves me.

I'm not going to cower. I will stand tall in heels and conquer. This year is the year of victory for me.

Cryptic Happenings.

My life in summary right now:


Studying the dangers and delusions of dating.

Dancing Bear and Crazy Tree

The soap smells like dog piss.

Pork Chop

Taped glasses

Bitsy and Midge take to the mall...

Britney Spears shouldn't turn anyone on.

Love is pain.

Can I touch your robot?

Whip it... Whip it good.

Bloody knuckles.

No Habla Espanol - see what I mean...

Soon she ain't yo ho no mor.

Backster Backster

The one in goggles is kind of hot.

I should have worn my chucks, but how could i have known

Have you facebook stalked him yet?

Molestation happens all the time.

Where's the flood, buddy.

Good thing you can't be impregnated by someone looking at you.

Wish me well.

Smelling like pancakes and butt.

I kinda feel like a child molester.

Fine, I'll take him. I can't deny my own blood.

I'm blaming it all on Post Traumatic Stress.

Strictly, no ex husbands.

Believable doubt.

I feel like I am eating for five.

Rejection Hotline

***If you where tagged chances are you were with me during these incidents or at least know about it. Disclaimer: Many of these statements I only witnessed.

Love

Is something I want to be able to give unreserved. Something that even despite the pain, heartache and life's problems - People can look at me and say - but she loved.

And let me tell you I did. I still do. I won't and can't stop.

I don't always accomplish what I set out to, and I often fall short. But this is one thing I want to be good at.

I respect people that are unconditional lovers. People who despite being spit on have risen above and still loved.

La neige au sahara (Like snow on the Sahara) is my ultimate goal. I want to live a life of excessive waste. ***TRANSLATION*** I want to be able to love and keep on loving. I don't want to grow cold. Despite rejection and heartache I want to be able to rise above and love. Because love is the one thing that changes everything. It doesn't matter that the snow melts. It doesn't matter that it seems pointless - all that matters is that something unique happened. Something that is rare. Unconditional love is rare.

So there it is - My only goal in life....

Because after all - God is love.

Snowflakes

So a couple of years ago my mom got on this snowflake kick. "Did you know that no snowflake is the same?" She asked. "Did you realize that God constructed everyone of them differently even though they would melt?" "We didn't even know about snowflakes until recently when a photographer learned how to take pictures of them in the air." "Scientist have found that each are individual and different."

It about drove me crazy...

But it's true. God ordained that every snowflake be it's own snowflake. It is different in it's own way. And if you have ever googled pictures you will see the beauty and majesty.

I think we can learn a lot from the snowflake. If God put so much time into something so small that nobody could even see, why wouldn't He put time into us. He has created us to each be different. In our created beauty, He designed us individually and took special time and care into what makes me, me. And if you think for a minute my God doesn't care, look at the snowflake because you are wrong.

Yet will I sing

Let this be the only love song I write
May You be the only Love in my life
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust
I asked You to call me, I said I would come
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run


Though my song be taken from me
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You
Though the joy be taken from me
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You
Though the light be hidden from me
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You
Though my heart be slain within me
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You


‘Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens
So though my weeping may last for the night
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light

Audra Lynn

As morbid as this sounds, I actually want this song played at my funeral. It describes my journey completely. I can't do any of this without His mercy. And my death should be a day of great joy. It won't happen a minute before He planned it. An eternity of worshiping Christ... I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

Victory

For many years now, God has given my mom a word at the beginning of the year that would sum up what her year would be like. My family has lived through the year of restoration, abandonment and 2009 will be release.

This year, God gave me my own word for the year. He told me this year was going to be a year of Victory. Frankly, I'm excited. In my life, I haven't had much of that. I feel like I have been wandering around the same mountain for years waiting for something to change, for something to happen. Now that time has come. He has promised if I do what I know I am supposed to do, He will bring victory into my life in many areas.

I feel this also applies to things I have prayed for for many years. So this year, I am not giving up. My soul will not be comforted until I have victory. I will pray with new urgency. Not relenting until I see it come to pass. The hour is short and victory is mine.

Coursing through the blood.

I said I couldn't put it into words, but I am going to try:

I am -

sad, disappointed, hurt, crushed, unsure, disengaged, exhausted, aggravated, sick, torn, shocked,demoralized, appalled, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, disillusioned, disinclined, repulsed, stifled, thwarted...

But at the same time:

I am -

accepted, adored, adorable, approved of, desirable, entrusted, loved, validated, valued, welcomed,cherished...

By my King

Loving me....

Many years ago, I made a vow. I chose to unite myself with the King. He became my everything - my all and all. Everything was perfect. That is until I started getting to busy. It started out so simply, "I can't spend time with you today because I have to do this." and then it progressed until before long we were strangers. I wanted to talk to Him, but I was scared. It was all my fault it had fallen apart, and now why should He, a King of all people, speak with me.. A lowly girl who had played the harlot with her first love. But when we did talk that wasn't what he had to say:

I still want you. You are Mine. I've ruined you for any other man. I'm jealous. You are Mine.

Hosea 2:19 "And I will betroth you to me forever, Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in loving kindness and in compassion. And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord."

I won't stand for it. I chose you. I will consume you and be consumed by you. You were made for this.

Hosea 3:3 Then I said to her "You shall stay with me for many days. You shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man; so I will also be toward you."

Hosea 6:1-3 "Come let us return to the Lord, For He has torn us, but He will heal usl He has wounded us, but he will bandage us. He will revive us after two days. He will raise us up on the third day that we might live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord."

I still love you. I know who you are, and I still want you. My desire is toward you.

STOP!!!

Song of Solomon: 2:10b "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along."

Song of Solomon 4:9b "You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes."

Isaiah 33:14b-17 "Who among us can live with the consuming fire? Who among us can live with continual burning? He who walks righteously and speaks with sincerity, He who rejects unjust gain and hakes his hand so that they hold no bribe; He who stops his ears from hearing about bloodshed, and shuts his eyes from looking upon evil; he will dwell on the heights; his refuge will be the impregnable rock; his bread will be give him; His water will be sure. Your eyes will see the King in his beauty.

I'm melting your heart. You've grown cold and calloused because you stopped focusing soley on me. Your heart will be soft and pliable. You will pray with tears, and My heart will not be able to say no.

Isaiah 43:1b "Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.

Isaiah 59:1-2 "Behold the Lord's hand is not so short that it cannot save; Neither is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God. And your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He does not hear.

Psalms 51

You fell out of love with Me because you forgot it was a choice. Choose Me. I'm still deeply in love with you. Choose Me. I'm waiting. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped desiring you. You are My rose, My lily, the apple of My eye. I want to love you, to protect you, to posses you completely.

We are still one. You chased after other lovers, but I have been faithful. I have loved you and stayed true. Return to Me. All is forgiven.

Will you marry Me? Will you take My name? You've already made a covenant. We are married. Remember your vows. I have ruined you, and you won't ever be happy until you return. The light in your eyes and happiness in your spirit come from Me. I want forever. None of this to death do us part. I want forever.

I take everything - fear, shame , compromise, sin. If you want Me. I'm here. Waiting.

No more emptiness. The lovers you have been chasing will never fulfill you.

Turn around.

No more condemnation. You've repented. You're still My favorite one. I will bring restoration if you'll let me. You are the one I want.

Come home...

Don't look back. Fix your eyes on Me...

***

My only answer to all of this was "Yes".