Transformed...

Who doesn't deal with a bit of self loathing? In my freshman year of college, my psych teacher asked all of her students to write down the top thing we would change about our body -given a chance. As she read off the hated body parts, she came to a curious one. Thinking of nothing physically I truly hated, I wrote down my second toe as it was longer than the big toe and I had received many insults concerning it. My entire class broke out and started begging for the culprit to fess up.

Everyone else had weight issues, noses that were broken, or downright wanted to change everything. I have always found that the parts I wanted to change were never on the outside. I have seen people completely sold out to Christ and wanted that desperately. Always feeling like I fall short. Knowing the price of their relationship to be costly. I will always want to change. I will always want more. When I feel like I am slipping off the path, this hatred of what I am becoming always pulls me back.

I have been reading Jeremiah a lot lately, and he still slightly baffles me. He endured persecution, people who didn't believe him time and time again, devastation, his family betrayed him and yet he continued to preach the harsh message that God continuely placed on his heart. He was never popular and was hated by all. Kings suffered horrible deaths because they didn't listen to his warning. And I know, that if just one had listened it would have made me feel better. He suffered it all gladly because of the voice. He had the God of the Universe speaking to him -dwelling with him in the secret place. People take the voice for granted - until it leaves. Then they become desperate.

Oh that I was desperate!

The only time I can ever say that change came easy is when I married my husband. I won't say that it is easy being married or having one's identity completely tied into another persons. But from the second, I knew he was the one, I was a changed girl. I knew there was no going back. I wasn't right without him. I wasn't whole. Sometimes I feel like that about God, and other times I slip. I know my relationship to Jesus is a mirror of my marriage, but I guess having a husband who always let's his presence be known and demands my attention - makes it easier to keep up the relationship.