Last night I had an extremely weird expierence. After getting off the phone with a friend, I tried to go to sleep, but I was really upset (for no apparent reason). As I closed my eyes to sleep, (what can only be described as-) my mind's eye saw this thick, dense green forest. It was waves upon waves of green. Not knowing what else to do, I started crying out to God and I noticed that at the bottom of this forest, waves of white started creeping in. The more I cried out the more white came through. If I stopped though the green started overtaking it again. I kept on crying out until there was just a hint of green at the top. Then it vanished
After that I was able to go to sleep.
Right now I know I am at the Break or Be Broken stage. All my life, I have been able to con my way out of things. Not this time. God has my number and He isn't going to let me get off this time. There is no way out, and time is short.
I am not alright- but I will be.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Not Happening
Well, this week marks the beginning of Parade Season. I am soon to be involved in some where near 30 parades. I am actually looking forward to it.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my 4 1/2 day weekend. I have been busy all weekend but it has been the good kind of busy.
I am still in no mood to write. The only solid thing I can say is - I am alive and breathing. And God still holds the world in the palm of his hands. Am I messing up? Probably so. Do I mean to? No. Is it going to be alright? Eventually, yes. I know this because- I will always choose Him. I am a marked woman. I couldn't escape if I tried. haha. And goodness knows, I would be stupid to try.
Fly
by Sanctus Real
When last place is where I’ve been
It’s hard to find the strength to start again
Sometimes it seems like I can never win
I’m held back by the weight of a crowd
Can’t move to find my way out
You give me faith to get my feet off the ground
‘Cause it’s not easy...
Trying to fly against the wind
When I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Start over again
I’m overwhelmed when there’s too much
Hiding the view to all that you’ve done
I step back to see how far we’ve come
And you’re always with me (when I’m)
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
Start over again
When last place is where I’ve been
You give me what I need to start again
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
And you keep on coming back for me again...over and over again
Quotes of the day:
"This Time It Wasn't My Fault.
On several previous occasions I have found myself up to my neck in trouble (and that's pretty high up, because I am almost 6 feet tall), which might have been avoided if I had displayed a little ladylike discretion. This time, however, I was innocent of everything except stupidity. They say some people attract trouble, I attract people who attract trouble."
"A man can't understand why a women's handbag is such a sensitive object- almost an extension of her person. I don't fully understand it myself. Maybe it's because we keep so many private intimate possessions in our purses- love letters, cosmetics, jelly doughnuts... Maybe a purse is a symbol of the womb, or something equally Freudian. I can't explain it, but I know I hate the idea of a stranger's hands rummaging in my bag."
-Elizabeth Peters
I have thoroughly enjoyed my 4 1/2 day weekend. I have been busy all weekend but it has been the good kind of busy.
I am still in no mood to write. The only solid thing I can say is - I am alive and breathing. And God still holds the world in the palm of his hands. Am I messing up? Probably so. Do I mean to? No. Is it going to be alright? Eventually, yes. I know this because- I will always choose Him. I am a marked woman. I couldn't escape if I tried. haha. And goodness knows, I would be stupid to try.
Fly
by Sanctus Real
When last place is where I’ve been
It’s hard to find the strength to start again
Sometimes it seems like I can never win
I’m held back by the weight of a crowd
Can’t move to find my way out
You give me faith to get my feet off the ground
‘Cause it’s not easy...
Trying to fly against the wind
When I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Start over again
I’m overwhelmed when there’s too much
Hiding the view to all that you’ve done
I step back to see how far we’ve come
And you’re always with me (when I’m)
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
Start over again
When last place is where I’ve been
You give me what I need to start again
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
And you keep on coming back for me again...over and over again
Quotes of the day:
"This Time It Wasn't My Fault.
On several previous occasions I have found myself up to my neck in trouble (and that's pretty high up, because I am almost 6 feet tall), which might have been avoided if I had displayed a little ladylike discretion. This time, however, I was innocent of everything except stupidity. They say some people attract trouble, I attract people who attract trouble."
"A man can't understand why a women's handbag is such a sensitive object- almost an extension of her person. I don't fully understand it myself. Maybe it's because we keep so many private intimate possessions in our purses- love letters, cosmetics, jelly doughnuts... Maybe a purse is a symbol of the womb, or something equally Freudian. I can't explain it, but I know I hate the idea of a stranger's hands rummaging in my bag."
-Elizabeth Peters
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Morals
Instead of giving you the long drawn out stories of what happened this week, I am just going to give you the moral's I learned from what happened.
1. I can't name my child, Grant, because it will remind Diana of Fric and Frac which in turn reminds her of a homeless person peeing in the loby.
2. I shouldn't be left home alone when I am unstable and have half a tank of gas. Logic fails me - believe me. Why would anyone in their right mind head for IOWA.
3. I should get away from strange guys before they ask me to flex my muscles.
4. Being too efficient at work, only hurts me.
5. I shouldn't attempt cooking durning a rainstorm.
6. Avoid dog piles at all cost.
7. Wearing heels is only sexy if you are vertical.
8. You can't win a fight against an army brat.
9. I learned, I actually respect Marcus' judgement of character - and that scares me.
10. You should never let anyone tell a New York Jew your nickname, Miss Thang. Because he will try to say it in his "Southern Accent".
11. Turning your picture into a cartoon - is just wrong.
12. Just shoot me if I ever go 2 days with no sleep again.
13. Mowing in a strapless bra is not a good idea.
I Am Not Alright
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-Sanctus Real
Quotes of the Day:
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid."
-Heinrich Heine
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
-Rita Mae Brown
1. I can't name my child, Grant, because it will remind Diana of Fric and Frac which in turn reminds her of a homeless person peeing in the loby.
2. I shouldn't be left home alone when I am unstable and have half a tank of gas. Logic fails me - believe me. Why would anyone in their right mind head for IOWA.
3. I should get away from strange guys before they ask me to flex my muscles.
4. Being too efficient at work, only hurts me.
5. I shouldn't attempt cooking durning a rainstorm.
6. Avoid dog piles at all cost.
7. Wearing heels is only sexy if you are vertical.
8. You can't win a fight against an army brat.
9. I learned, I actually respect Marcus' judgement of character - and that scares me.
10. You should never let anyone tell a New York Jew your nickname, Miss Thang. Because he will try to say it in his "Southern Accent".
11. Turning your picture into a cartoon - is just wrong.
12. Just shoot me if I ever go 2 days with no sleep again.
13. Mowing in a strapless bra is not a good idea.
I Am Not Alright
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-Sanctus Real
Quotes of the Day:
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid."
-Heinrich Heine
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
-Rita Mae Brown
Resurection
Easter. The single most important day of all history. Sure His birth is important but the day He died......... And Arose....
And He is still raising the dead today......
I spent the last 2 1/2 weeks in Detroit, Texas. Good times. The last week though was a little stressful to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and nearly died twice. If my mom hadn't been tuned in to God - I would no longer have a dad. In fact, my dad had an out-of-body experience. Thank you Jesus for my daddy!!!
Despite all this "excitement", I had a wonderful visit. I will probably write more about it later, but I have to unpack.
-Ms. Texas
My Beliefs
I believe in God the Father
Almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontius Pilate
He was crucified and dead and buried
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man
I believe that He who suffered was crucified, buried, and dead
He descended into hell and on the third day, rose again
He ascended into Heaven where He sits at God's mighty right hand
I believe that He's returning
To judge the quick and the dead of the sons of men
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man
MY CHECK LIST
I went fishin
I cut my hair. (sniff, sniff, I AM getting used to it though. Unfortunately, this new cut requires me actually having to fix it -rather than the rolling out of bed, snagging my fingers through the snarls, and then walking out the door -I wouldn't even know what a brush looks like)
I celebrated my mom and brothers birthday by forking over the cash.(When I say celebrated that is to the best of my ability considering the circumstances-hospital/dad)
I visited Jan Kay (sort of). I went there all right, but I didn't spend a whole lot of time there.
I ate buttermilk chicken and fish. My mom made her famous buttermilk chicken and believe me -I pigged out. yum.
Drove fast on gravel roads with my stick-shift. ( Oh gosh, I missed driving my car. Though during my stay, I was informed that my driving was scary by two different people. Not to name any names or anything but.....JAY- I am a good driver. hmph)
Lone Pine. I got to go to my church even though it was cut short by my dad passing out. I missed Lone Pine so much, and unfortunately, the sermon was for me. (Note to self: don't talk about having had a stinky attitude the week before on the way to church. Not smart.)
Plant a garden in my bikini. (I had forgotten how much it hurts - planting a garden that is - from ant bites to back aches)
See Chuck and Cass.
Pictures:
The Farm
The house (after 16in. of snow)
My MN family -me, John and Vicky
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
-switchfoot
PS: This is a random question, but am I befuddled? I will explain why I asked if I have to but an honest answer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks....
And He is still raising the dead today......
I spent the last 2 1/2 weeks in Detroit, Texas. Good times. The last week though was a little stressful to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and nearly died twice. If my mom hadn't been tuned in to God - I would no longer have a dad. In fact, my dad had an out-of-body experience. Thank you Jesus for my daddy!!!
Despite all this "excitement", I had a wonderful visit. I will probably write more about it later, but I have to unpack.
-Ms. Texas
My Beliefs
I believe in God the Father
Almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontius Pilate
He was crucified and dead and buried
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man
I believe that He who suffered was crucified, buried, and dead
He descended into hell and on the third day, rose again
He ascended into Heaven where He sits at God's mighty right hand
I believe that He's returning
To judge the quick and the dead of the sons of men
And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man
MY CHECK LIST
I went fishin
I cut my hair. (sniff, sniff, I AM getting used to it though. Unfortunately, this new cut requires me actually having to fix it -rather than the rolling out of bed, snagging my fingers through the snarls, and then walking out the door -I wouldn't even know what a brush looks like)
I celebrated my mom and brothers birthday by forking over the cash.(When I say celebrated that is to the best of my ability considering the circumstances-hospital/dad)
I visited Jan Kay (sort of). I went there all right, but I didn't spend a whole lot of time there.
I ate buttermilk chicken and fish. My mom made her famous buttermilk chicken and believe me -I pigged out. yum.
Drove fast on gravel roads with my stick-shift. ( Oh gosh, I missed driving my car. Though during my stay, I was informed that my driving was scary by two different people. Not to name any names or anything but.....JAY- I am a good driver. hmph)
Lone Pine. I got to go to my church even though it was cut short by my dad passing out. I missed Lone Pine so much, and unfortunately, the sermon was for me. (Note to self: don't talk about having had a stinky attitude the week before on the way to church. Not smart.)
Plant a garden in my bikini. (I had forgotten how much it hurts - planting a garden that is - from ant bites to back aches)
See Chuck and Cass.
Pictures:
The Farm
The house (after 16in. of snow)
My MN family -me, John and Vicky
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
-switchfoot
PS: This is a random question, but am I befuddled? I will explain why I asked if I have to but an honest answer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks....
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Happy Mother's Day
Several woman have played key roles in my life and I feel the need to acknowledge them. So here it goes:
MOM: My mother has always been there for me. When I was young I was afraid I would turn out just like her, but now I am afraid I won't. I will never be exactly like her because we have different personalities, but I hope that I can be half the woman she is. Being a mom can be a thankless job but I just want her to know - I see what you do and I thank you for it.
NANA: I have to think most people don't have relationships with their grandmothers like I do. Having lived with my great -grandmother for a couple of years, I learned the value of their advice. It is so nice to know that when I need to talk to someone at 5 a.m. in the morning that my grandmother can be their for me. Her advice is always right on even if I don't always like it. haha I guess, I want her to know- Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
GRAMMIE: My dad's mom is about the most giving person I know. She would do anything for me. She always makes sure I have everything I need from money to an Easter dress. She truly is wonderful to me.
VICKY: Six months ago, I barely knew this woman. Now I can't hardly imagine life without her. She took me under her wing, and has totally changed the way she lives just for me. She is the intelligent, hysterical, witty, and amazing.
On another note, I was told this week by Lindsey (a guy that comes into the office), that I have mastered all it takes to be a woman - which means I have learned how to let the man think it was his idea when in reality it was mine.lol
MOM: My mother has always been there for me. When I was young I was afraid I would turn out just like her, but now I am afraid I won't. I will never be exactly like her because we have different personalities, but I hope that I can be half the woman she is. Being a mom can be a thankless job but I just want her to know - I see what you do and I thank you for it.
NANA: I have to think most people don't have relationships with their grandmothers like I do. Having lived with my great -grandmother for a couple of years, I learned the value of their advice. It is so nice to know that when I need to talk to someone at 5 a.m. in the morning that my grandmother can be their for me. Her advice is always right on even if I don't always like it. haha I guess, I want her to know- Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
GRAMMIE: My dad's mom is about the most giving person I know. She would do anything for me. She always makes sure I have everything I need from money to an Easter dress. She truly is wonderful to me.
VICKY: Six months ago, I barely knew this woman. Now I can't hardly imagine life without her. She took me under her wing, and has totally changed the way she lives just for me. She is the intelligent, hysterical, witty, and amazing.
On another note, I was told this week by Lindsey (a guy that comes into the office), that I have mastered all it takes to be a woman - which means I have learned how to let the man think it was his idea when in reality it was mine.lol
Sunday, May 7, 2006
Writer's Block
So lately, I have not been able to write. Seeing as writing is one of the greatest stress reducers in my life that is a recipe for disaster. For some reason it is unbelievable calming just to sit and write. It doesn't have to be about my problems - just words strung together into sentences (that hopefully make sense). Needless to say, I was extremely thankful when it came back. Not completely mind you, but it is getting better.
Last week, I went to the “corrupt” city of DC. It was truly amazing, but I am extremely glad to be back – in my room, sleeping in my comfortable bed, with my daily routine. Not to mention the fact that I missed work (the job and the people) and my computer. I did, however, get to meet my congressman, Ralph Hall. I really wanted to meet Baeuner though.
I am really excited about this summer. It should be awesome. It will be extremely hectic and full but that is the way I like it. There will be 8 parades on the 4th of July and I will have to attend at least 2 of them if not 3. Talk about patriotism.
Washington Pics:
Korean Monument
Getting ready for the First Ladies Luncheon
Vicky and Nana at the First Ladies Luncheon
Vicky and me
Quotes of the day:
"I said to him that Zululand sounded fine, but that every man has a map in his heart of his own country and that the heart will never allow you to forget this map."
-Alexander McCall Smith The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.
"What women in her right mind would want to be six feet tall? How can you look coyly up at a man from under your lashes when your eyes are the same level, or higher? How can you find skirts long enough to cover your knees? Put a pitchfork in my hand, and I look like a farmer; put a spear in my hand and I look like and undernourished Valkyrie. I'd much rather be cute and cuddly like Gerda- well maybe not quite that cuddly.
-Elizabeth Peters Trojan Gold
Last week, I went to the “corrupt” city of DC. It was truly amazing, but I am extremely glad to be back – in my room, sleeping in my comfortable bed, with my daily routine. Not to mention the fact that I missed work (the job and the people) and my computer. I did, however, get to meet my congressman, Ralph Hall. I really wanted to meet Baeuner though.
I am really excited about this summer. It should be awesome. It will be extremely hectic and full but that is the way I like it. There will be 8 parades on the 4th of July and I will have to attend at least 2 of them if not 3. Talk about patriotism.
Washington Pics:
Korean Monument
Getting ready for the First Ladies Luncheon
Vicky and Nana at the First Ladies Luncheon
Vicky and me
Quotes of the day:
"I said to him that Zululand sounded fine, but that every man has a map in his heart of his own country and that the heart will never allow you to forget this map."
-Alexander McCall Smith The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.
"What women in her right mind would want to be six feet tall? How can you look coyly up at a man from under your lashes when your eyes are the same level, or higher? How can you find skirts long enough to cover your knees? Put a pitchfork in my hand, and I look like a farmer; put a spear in my hand and I look like and undernourished Valkyrie. I'd much rather be cute and cuddly like Gerda- well maybe not quite that cuddly.
-Elizabeth Peters Trojan Gold
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