I feel like the majority of my life is spent, taking two steps forward and one step back. I get somewhere and then I just end up failing and going back to where I was. I can't win. I can't get ahead. I am severely frustrated.
And yet I know, I am headed toward a breakthrough. Part of me wants to be dependent solely on Him while another part of me wants it my way. I know which way I will be happier. So I need to crucify my flesh and lay it down. I will get out of this- victory in hand. MY FUTURE HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT!
FLY
When last place is where I’ve been
It’s hard to find the strength to start again
Sometimes it seems like I can never win
I’m held back by the weight of a crowd
Can’t move to find my way out
You give me faith to get my feet off the ground
‘Cause it’s not easy...
Trying to fly against the wind
When I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Start over again
I’m overwhelmed when there’s too much
Hiding the view to all that you’ve done
I step back to see how far we’ve come
And you’re always with me (when I’m)
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
Start over again
When last place is where I’ve been
You give me what I need to start again
Trying to fly against the wind
But I keep on falling back to where I’ve been
Trying to fly against the wind
And you keep on coming back for me again...over and over again
Won't Walk Away
You never walked away,
You never left or let me down.
You always set me free,
"Because" You love me I was found
"no so here"I won't walk away, away.
And I will follow
You wherever You lead.
I won't walk away.
I will follow
You wherever You lead.
I won't walk away.
You always lead me on
To where You know I need to be.
Forever I will trust in
Where Your wings will carry me.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Choose Me
Last night it hit me- or God revealed to me- that I was having issues with men. I learned the hard way when I was 14, that everyone would fail me eventually and that it was human nature. The people I trusted the most will and have let me down. I hang out with more guys than girls but typically I have a harder time trusting guys
Last night, for some reason my thoughts drifted back to things that have happened in the past couple of years. And I felt this overwhelming sense of " They didn't choose me." Several key people in my life (mainly men), walked out on me rather than fight for me.
Last night, for some reason my thoughts drifted back to things that have happened in the past couple of years. And I felt this overwhelming sense of " They didn't choose me." Several key people in my life (mainly men), walked out on me rather than fight for me.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Drenched Rat
Sunday started out like any normal day. I didn't want to get out of bed. My hair required more attention then I wanted or had time to give it. I had this insane last minute urge to paint my toes. I nearly forgot to put on deodorant. Normal huh!!Unfortunately, the day turned ______(words fail me so you decide).
I picked up Diana and we headed to the office to load the truck. (We had two parades that day. Including one that was called the Cheese Festival Parade.) While loading the truck, the alarm went off in the building. Diana had propped open the door and so this siren was going off and a voice was saying, "Door compromised. Siren will go off until it is shut." That is exactly the voice I want to hear at freakin' 9:30 on a Sunday morning.
McDonalds hash browns and 15 mins later, I was on my way to our first parade. I don't mind long trips if I can listen to music but unfortunately Diana and I don't have the same taste in music. So it was a loooong ride.
We got to the first parade site. It was freezing and starting to rain. Talk about awful. We walked in that parade with few hitches and moved on to the next one. That is when it started pouring. For half of the parade, it was raining on us. Not to mention the fact that we had the usual weirdo's and freaks. One guy asked me to put a tattoo on his butt. Wouldn't have been so bad except he was hideous. Then there was one guy who was sitting there scowling at me, giving me the thumbs down and shaking his head. Of course, me being the person that I am I flashed him a big smile and shook my head yes. I do think it aggravated him more, but oh well. The locals really and truly crack me up.
The second we finished the parade, the sun came out. How is that for my kind of luck.... I can't take anymore icky guys... No matter, how much I ask for it!!( Okay, so I wear cute skirts and try to look nice. Does that give them a right??????).
I don't think I can go through one day without making someone mad. Maybe I do need to have a career in politics. I can see it now Congresswoman Abigail______. Yep, that officially sounds awful.
First thing is first though, I have to cut back on saying the word "like". I will never get far with a vocabulary consisting of that word. Leticia got me started on it and it has been a doozy to get rid of. John says it is a lousy excuse for the word umm.
Just because I feel like putting this down- there is no way to look cute and mow at the same time. I have tried every way. Not that I am trying to impress anyone but it would be nice if I didn't look like I was clodding around.
While I am on random subjects, I guess I have been a little anti-social lately. I found out exactly how many messages my voice mail holds. The worse part of not answering your phone and having all those messages is that eventually you have to check them and sometimes you even have to call them back. Luckily that mood never lasts long.
-Abigail
Quotes of the day:
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Saki
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882),
I picked up Diana and we headed to the office to load the truck. (We had two parades that day. Including one that was called the Cheese Festival Parade.) While loading the truck, the alarm went off in the building. Diana had propped open the door and so this siren was going off and a voice was saying, "Door compromised. Siren will go off until it is shut." That is exactly the voice I want to hear at freakin' 9:30 on a Sunday morning.
McDonalds hash browns and 15 mins later, I was on my way to our first parade. I don't mind long trips if I can listen to music but unfortunately Diana and I don't have the same taste in music. So it was a loooong ride.
We got to the first parade site. It was freezing and starting to rain. Talk about awful. We walked in that parade with few hitches and moved on to the next one. That is when it started pouring. For half of the parade, it was raining on us. Not to mention the fact that we had the usual weirdo's and freaks. One guy asked me to put a tattoo on his butt. Wouldn't have been so bad except he was hideous. Then there was one guy who was sitting there scowling at me, giving me the thumbs down and shaking his head. Of course, me being the person that I am I flashed him a big smile and shook my head yes. I do think it aggravated him more, but oh well. The locals really and truly crack me up.
The second we finished the parade, the sun came out. How is that for my kind of luck.... I can't take anymore icky guys... No matter, how much I ask for it!!( Okay, so I wear cute skirts and try to look nice. Does that give them a right??????).
I don't think I can go through one day without making someone mad. Maybe I do need to have a career in politics. I can see it now Congresswoman Abigail______. Yep, that officially sounds awful.
First thing is first though, I have to cut back on saying the word "like". I will never get far with a vocabulary consisting of that word. Leticia got me started on it and it has been a doozy to get rid of. John says it is a lousy excuse for the word umm.
Just because I feel like putting this down- there is no way to look cute and mow at the same time. I have tried every way. Not that I am trying to impress anyone but it would be nice if I didn't look like I was clodding around.
While I am on random subjects, I guess I have been a little anti-social lately. I found out exactly how many messages my voice mail holds. The worse part of not answering your phone and having all those messages is that eventually you have to check them and sometimes you even have to call them back. Luckily that mood never lasts long.
-Abigail
Quotes of the day:
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Saki
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882),
Thursday, June 8, 2006
The Fight is On
I am so weary. I haven't given in an inch but I haven't gained any ground either. I have been harassed and weakened. My strong foundation which has held for 6 months is now starting to feel the flames. Little things are slipping in between the cracks and causing rifts. Fear is slowly creeping in.... What if????
As tired as I am, there is still a spark of life in me. I am emotionally strained and yet there is that part of me that won't give in. I can't give in, I can't admit defeat. Is it God?? Or am I just being stubborn?? I am not fighting against God - just my circumstances. I am in a Godless place and I have the choice of either removing myself or staying and fighting. I know the truth. I have been tested and tried and I know the high path.
When it comes down to it - it is just God, me and the harassers. And yet, it doesn't have to be that way. They have to flee....
WAGING WAR
by Shane Barnard
It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace
To see the Lord, the promise land
Where in sins pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl now sand
That blows away in light of Him
When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit
That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over
“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…” (Phil 3:7-8)
Help Lord!
As tired as I am, there is still a spark of life in me. I am emotionally strained and yet there is that part of me that won't give in. I can't give in, I can't admit defeat. Is it God?? Or am I just being stubborn?? I am not fighting against God - just my circumstances. I am in a Godless place and I have the choice of either removing myself or staying and fighting. I know the truth. I have been tested and tried and I know the high path.
When it comes down to it - it is just God, me and the harassers. And yet, it doesn't have to be that way. They have to flee....
WAGING WAR
by Shane Barnard
It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace
To see the Lord, the promise land
Where in sins pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl now sand
That blows away in light of Him
When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit
That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over
“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…” (Phil 3:7-8)
Help Lord!
Saturday, June 3, 2006
Morristown Dam Days
I am going to write this fast because I have to run. So some of it might not even make sense, and it is probably not going to be as accurately amusing as it was last night but maybe you will get the picture.
Okay, you asked for it!!! In all its gory details...... The Parade last night was life-changing. haha I think I will start first with what I wore as that seemed to cause a couple of pained looks from the seasoned professional parade goers. I wore my candidate's T-shirt (good so far), flip flops (one of my co-workers bet me that I will never wear flip flops to another parade. I live in flip flops so there is a 99% chance I will wear flip flops to EVERY parade. I am bound and determined to wear them until my feet rot off) , and a blue-jean skirt (which is longer than most of my shorts. Granted because I am so freakin tall it seems short but it is about 4 inches from my knees. So VERY modest for me.) At the end of the day I decided that while there are disadvantages to wearing a skirt there is a lot of advantages tooo ; )
Before the parade started, we went around tattooing and stickering kids with the congressman's name. I only got cussed out once. Apparently this man didn't like our President or me and he was very willing to get up in my face and tell me about it. I just flashed him the most obnoxious smile and moved on.
I have never seen so many dirty children in all my life and I use to work in a Christian Camp. (I figured that statement deserved a paragraph all in itself.)
During the parade, I was paired with a three year old and told to pass out recipe cards. I have decided that child has to be my permanent partner from now on. I made this adorable child hand out cards to all the crusty old women that wouldn't have normally taken it from me. I know, I know, that has to be child abuse but he was just so dadgum good.
Okay, so MN is very sold out on the Miss America Wave except it looks awful. All the girls do it exactly the same, and it is hideous. It looks like they are treading water. They even warp these children from the age of 3.
After we went through the parade route we finished watching all the rest of the entries. One of the groups were handing out suicide awareness pamphlet. It kind of struck me as STRANGE. Parades are supposed to be happy events then they damper it with that!!!
Anybody with a tractor can and was in this parade. There is only about a 1000 people that live in the town we went to and about 200 entries.
I think everyone should participate in a MN parade. It truly was extremely amusing. I can't wait till the Kolachy days. They have a parade in honor of a pastry filled with cream cheese. Gotta love it!!
Quote of the Day:
"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."
A. Whitney Brown
Okay, you asked for it!!! In all its gory details...... The Parade last night was life-changing. haha I think I will start first with what I wore as that seemed to cause a couple of pained looks from the seasoned professional parade goers. I wore my candidate's T-shirt (good so far), flip flops (one of my co-workers bet me that I will never wear flip flops to another parade. I live in flip flops so there is a 99% chance I will wear flip flops to EVERY parade. I am bound and determined to wear them until my feet rot off) , and a blue-jean skirt (which is longer than most of my shorts. Granted because I am so freakin tall it seems short but it is about 4 inches from my knees. So VERY modest for me.) At the end of the day I decided that while there are disadvantages to wearing a skirt there is a lot of advantages tooo ; )
Before the parade started, we went around tattooing and stickering kids with the congressman's name. I only got cussed out once. Apparently this man didn't like our President or me and he was very willing to get up in my face and tell me about it. I just flashed him the most obnoxious smile and moved on.
I have never seen so many dirty children in all my life and I use to work in a Christian Camp. (I figured that statement deserved a paragraph all in itself.)
During the parade, I was paired with a three year old and told to pass out recipe cards. I have decided that child has to be my permanent partner from now on. I made this adorable child hand out cards to all the crusty old women that wouldn't have normally taken it from me. I know, I know, that has to be child abuse but he was just so dadgum good.
Okay, so MN is very sold out on the Miss America Wave except it looks awful. All the girls do it exactly the same, and it is hideous. It looks like they are treading water. They even warp these children from the age of 3.
After we went through the parade route we finished watching all the rest of the entries. One of the groups were handing out suicide awareness pamphlet. It kind of struck me as STRANGE. Parades are supposed to be happy events then they damper it with that!!!
Anybody with a tractor can and was in this parade. There is only about a 1000 people that live in the town we went to and about 200 entries.
I think everyone should participate in a MN parade. It truly was extremely amusing. I can't wait till the Kolachy days. They have a parade in honor of a pastry filled with cream cheese. Gotta love it!!
Quote of the Day:
"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."
A. Whitney Brown
Friday, June 2, 2006
And then the dawn breaks
I have made up my mind - it is over. All it takes is an "uncle" from me and then the peace can come. I refuse to let myself be stubborn another moment. I can only excuse stupidity for so long.
In no particular order:
1. I will stay away from harmful influnces
2. I will stay in the Word
3. I will keep pure
4. I will do the next thing He says
5. I will be like the woman in the Bible harrasing the Judge. (I will storm the gates until I find Him)
rocks won't cry
by shane barnard
i bow down, tonight i know
the rocks won't cry, the rocks won't cry
they'll be alright, they'll be alright
because i cry!
I know what I have to do in order to be happy. Will I stumble again? Sure. Am I going to get back on the horse? Yes.
I have made up my mind, and as God and this xanga are my witness - I will come out of this.
ACRES OF HOPE
by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay
He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)
In no particular order:
1. I will stay away from harmful influnces
2. I will stay in the Word
3. I will keep pure
4. I will do the next thing He says
5. I will be like the woman in the Bible harrasing the Judge. (I will storm the gates until I find Him)
rocks won't cry
by shane barnard
i bow down, tonight i know
the rocks won't cry, the rocks won't cry
they'll be alright, they'll be alright
because i cry!
I know what I have to do in order to be happy. Will I stumble again? Sure. Am I going to get back on the horse? Yes.
I have made up my mind, and as God and this xanga are my witness - I will come out of this.
ACRES OF HOPE
by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay
He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)
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