Insanity

--> -->As insane as I sound through writing. I know that if I didn't write I WOULD be insane. It is one of the things that clears my system.

I typically don't write about unpleasant things but still it seems to soothe me. I hate being confused and somehow seeing something I created on paper makes all my thoughts flow together as they should. It is just as natural as talking to me. I have to talk and express myself. For after getting it out in the open -- it all finally makes sense. Or not....

Obviously(poor you) you caught me in a contemplative state. I am trying to sort out some things.. Unfortunately, hashing and rehashing never seems to create a different outcome.

Speechless

So this is one of those rare moments where I am speechless. I have so much to say and no words to say it. I just got back from Kansas City, Missouri. I have never had a better New Years. I don't want to go back to the person I was.

Kansas City is the home of the International House of Prayer and they hosted a conference called One Thing. People, do you realize that He actually loves you. Sure you hear it every Sunday in church but do you really KNOW it. Not only does He love you -- He is "in love" with you. Read Song of Solomen.... I'm telling you -- crazy stuff...

I am such a liability. I will only fail Him (and often) and yet He still loves me. Though I will no doubt break His heart (and He knows this), He still pursues me and is in love with me. He knows me (all my faults) and He still chooses me. I will never get that kind of love from any human being. What about this is a bum deal? I have never seen it as a "relationship" before. (The bridegroom) I have always looked at God as though He is a friend and not a lover.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him."

Isaiah 30:18

People get ready - JESUS IS COMING.....

Stupidity is...

Running into walls....

Lately, I have been "doped" up due to the fact that I just had my (ONE) wisdom tooth removed. Yes, Abigail on a normal day is loopy but get her on drugs....That is why I am not a drug addict, people... No one would "light up" with me for fear...

Last night the pain came back around 10 so I took some pain meds and went to bed.I woke up and had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't even walk in a straight line. I ended up walking head-on hard into the wall. Which makes an extremely loud sound at 1:00 in the morning. I had a faint bruise this morning which - thankfully is gone. Imagine trying to explain that one.

I remember most of the conversations I have had the last couple of days especially Tuesday but just in case... If it was uncharacteristically crazy- just ignore. Luckily (and unfortunately), I think I am way more truthful (not that I lie - I just volunteer more info than needed) when drugged. ~A

Somewhere over the rainbow...

I am heading to the most God forsaken place on earth -- no, not Iowa -- Kansas. What the heck was I thinking??? Just kidding. I don't think I am going to explain anything more about that-- after all, I doubt any of you really care.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time relaxing and eating. (I gained 7 whole pounds this Christmas and I am freakin' lovin' it). The best part about this year is that I have survived yet another year.... Several times it looked doubtful but I made it...

Now for the deep stuff...

I have really grown this year. It hasn't been easy and most of it hasn't been fun but I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing -- not that I could have if I wanted too. Crap happens!! It is what you do despite everything that goes wrong that determines success.

THANK GOODNESS FINALS ARE OVER.. I am sorry to all those who tried to call me. I have been dazed and recuperating and haven't had the heart to talk.

I love you guys, truly I do, and hope y'all have a happy new year.

~A

Peace that passes all understanding

I wouldn't trade this peace for anything or anyone.

His grace is sufficient...

AKA - the turning point.


Thank God, I am constantly becoming better.He is so
faithful. One never knows how far down the wrong path we have traveled
until we try to turn around and go back.




"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.
[Pre-Chorus]


Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]

[Chorus]


Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


DON'T GIVE UP

-Sanctus Real

Well I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
And now you complain a lifetime just doesn’t feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
To realize it might be time to change?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is




Things Like You

-Sanctus Real

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on

To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those thingsthat keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's eveything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything

Malibu Barbie

Cell phone column for my special section:

It has been brought to my attention that a person can be addicted to just about anything. From sports to pornography, an addiction is a habit so strong that it can not easily be given up.
I would dare say you can even be addicted to cell phones. I recently went on a cell phone “fast” just to prove my assertion. I determined that I would fast from all non-essential calls except for my parents, of course. I didn’t go into withdrawal or shaky hands syndrome but I did have a strong and intense urge to talk to my friends
Last month I was two minutes shy of talking 3000 minutes on my cell phone plan not to mention the text messages and time logged on my land line at home. That is a little over two solid days spent on the phone; yes, there might be a problem here.
This summer I encountered extreme cell phone addiction up close and personal when my place of employment hired Malibu Barbie.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this girl to pieces and we had a lot of fun this summer, but how she could lifeguard a pool of people and talk to her friends about the lack of malls in the area is beyond me. Not to mention how exceedingly hazardous the situation was to the swimmers.
The cell phone never left her ear unless it was on the charger. She had over 140 numbers programmed into her phone, and I am pretty sure she called each one of them at least once a week.
Never before, in all the years I worked there, did we have a problem like this. My boss would tell every one to leave their cell phones at home as plainly as he could, and an hour later I would hear her off in the corner chatting with a friend.
“So like do you think I look, like, better in pink or blue?” or “Justin Timberlake did what?” (Excerpts overheard from a real phone conversation by Malibu Barbie)
Because of her lack of consideration everyone had to “make up” for her. I was constantly redoing or doing her job just so I would know it was done right.
I would never say cell phones are a waste of time; a cell phone is a wonderful device. I honestly feel naked without mine, but it does have its place.
I like the feeling of security I have knowing that help is only a phone call away. This makes my decision to carry one that much easier. But when it becomes an addiction to the point that you can’t even function in the real world, then it’s time to lay it down and move on.
In parting, I will leave you with these words- you can’t live life to the fullest if you contract brain cancer.
Who says an addiction can’t kill you?