Indiana...

So you like me...

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

- A concept that nobody ever seems to get. The only way to my heart is through Him because my life is not my own. I belong to Him, and any interested person has to have His approval and blessing. Pursing me will get them nowhere - because I don't make the decisions.

I liken it to a Dad giving His approval in the days when marriages were arranged. The dad was always the one to have the final say and I am sure the "suitor" did everything he could to prove his worth. I guess guys today struggle with this (well first off because none of them have a clue who He is) because it seems so outdated and old fashioned.

It doesn't take much to impress me - my approval means nothing. I am waiting for the go ahead. Anyone who wants me - needs to first get His approval. I am easy to convince after that.

It's painful to me because many have tried to prove their love and find God but their efforts have been for my sake. They haven't treated my God (Father) like he is a real person just an afterthought. They liked the idea of me, but weren't willing to commit. In my weak mindedness, I thought maybe I was imagining this. I fell for them, but found their relationship with the most important thing in my life to be non existent. I allowed it so it was my fault, but the deception hurt nontheless.

What I am looking for:
1) Someone who loves God more than me and has a personal relationship with Him.
2) Someone who loves me a whole heck of a lot.

I realize such a man is rare and I am just waiting for the one who understands. I won't and can't settle for any less because like I said - it isn't my decision.


-Abigail

The Hardest Part

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I,
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh, and I,
Oh, and I,
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

-Coldplay

Rainbow

I was reading a friends blog about rainbows and God's promises at 5:30 this morning when the tears started.

Yesterday I went into work and saw this incredible rainbow!! I was completely taken back! I felt like the Lord was telling me that His truth and promises never fade. He IS faithful to what He says! I took that picture with my phone and looked it for a moment. When I looked up the rainbow had vanished! I felt saddened by this until I heard the Lord speak to me. Even though the 'symbol' of His promises are not always seen, I can still take Him at His word. That is why we believe! Especially when we can't see.

This past week, I have had to re-evaluate my life and the decisions I have made. I have been so upset with not measuring up that I have blocked people out and even just turned myself off. Facing the reality of who I was and how I couldn't fix it, has been to much. I love Jesus so much and know He loves me, but my frustration at who I am really was overwhelming. I keep forgetting He promises to fix me and that I would never be able to do it on my own. I just need to be willing.

I always seem to do this - I do so well but then I hit a mountain, close down for a while and then realize He can fix it. I really am just stupid at times.

Present:
I have messed up quite a bit the last couple of months.
There are issues in my life that I thought I dealt with that have come back to haunt me.
I can not curb these problems on my own. I have been living and giving into my flesh.
Some of these issues have steamed from things that have happened in my past.
Sometimes I shut down when the problems seem to massive.


What the facts are:
He's just waiting for me to repent and I have. His love covers everything.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. Song of Solomon 8:6-7

If He caused the issues to be in my life in the first place - He can heal me.

Jesus crucified His flesh and can help me "die".
If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2

"Our feelings do not affect God's facts. They may blow up, like clouds, and cover the eternal things that we do most truly believe. We may not see the shining of the promises-but they still shine! [His strength] is not for one moment less because of our human weakness." -Amy Carmichael

Stepmom

In my latest line of work, I get to meet some of the most interesting people. Since people are one of my biggest passions, this can be both good and bad.

Last night I had a table of two dad's and four 13-year-old girls. After giving them, excellent service for over an hour (I wish - but I did try hard, I left the check at the table. One of the dad's asked my name cause by then he had forgotten it.

He said he had a question and asked me where the closest place to buy beer was at. I told him any local convenient store, and he responded "Are you sure, I thought Arlington was dry." I told him I would get him someone who was an "actual" drinker. So I asked another server to answer the question.

After the other server left the dad, said "I have one more question."
I was like, "yes".
And he said," My daughter thinks you are hitting on me."
[What do you say to that????]
I promptly replied that I wasn't because my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and I am just a naturally outgoing person.
The girl looked at me and said, "Well it just seemed like you were."
Noticing my ring, she asked,"Are you married?"
I said,"No"
She said, "Don't you like my dad?"
I said,"My boyfriend can't find out." Winked and left....

I swear - I get in awkward situations all the time. But for "ho'ing" myself out - I sure got an amazing tip.

So Hollow..

Why is it when you have nothing left to give - everyone starts calling...

It never fails when I feel I am a goner, nothing left to give, tired beyond belief and unsure about everything - that 10 people call me crying and "lost" looking for answers. My heart breaks for them, yet I feel so inadequate.

Because the POWER comes from His love:

It's moments like these that I realize God's strength. Because when I have nothing left to give, I realize it was never about me to begin with. They just need someone to love them and listen to them. They don't need me shoved down their throats - they just need His love.

I'm in love with a Man I'm in love with a Stranger
I'm in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I'm in love with the Lamb I'm in love with the Lion
I'm in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love

If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
if I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn't leave even if a tried
I must have You I must have You

When it's been said and when it's all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

I'm living for Love - I'm desperate for Love. I am only satisfied by Him... God Himself is love. I want to live for an audience of one.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

Quirky Granny

Most people are bland and live out the mundane lives they have carved out for themselves. Their normalcy and decision to strive only to fit in with society keeps them from living extrodanairy lives.Occasionally, I stumble upon a person who makes my life entirely worth living, a person whose quirkiness makes me appreciate my last breath.

This past weekend, I spent most of the day straddling a tractor and raking hay on this piece of property way out in the middle of no where. The land is seemingly eerie. I can't even begin to describe how driving through the gates of this property almost takes you into another diminsion. I am not one to believe in ghosts but according to the owner of the property - there has been many a sighting. The woman inherited the property from her grandmother and said in the evenings she sees her grandmother walking the property.

There is also our neighbor who believes Big Foot exists and lives only to take a picture with the creature. That is his ultimate goal in life.

There are also people who make me wonder how we even exist.

The couple who are trying to get their sister (who is going to jail)'s baby. They live in such horrible conditions that CPS won't let them have the child. In their laziness, they won't do anything to improve their conditions and have sewage running through their property. The woman works next to a free dumping site but never takes advantage of it.

I enjoy my rare quirky finds. Like I said - these people make life worth while.