la neige au sahara

Are You going to perform Your word?

2011-04-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

During worship the other day, I asked God for a "throne room" experience. I have heard so many different accounts, I wanted to see it for myself. I have asked Him before, but never saw any results.

With eyes closed begging God, all of the sudden I was there. In front of me was two thrones and God and the Lamb were seated, I could not make out anything other than forms and shapes because I had what appeared to be a dark veil on my head. It looked like a stone castle. I knew the Holy Spirit was standing beside me. Everything was grey. Lining the walls of the throne room were these strange creatures with many eyes. I can't really describe how crazy they looked except to say they almost looked fake. I could tell their mouths were moving, but I heard no music or sound. All I could hear was the song of worship in my heart toward the Lord.

In that instant I knew I could ask God anything. I knew He would answer any question I had, but I only had one burning question. The question seared my soul, "Are You going to perform Your word?" I need to know that my life is not in vain - that everything I believe is true. That there is power in those words. That I am not living my life according to an empty gospel. Too many people live their life without ever experiencing the power and authority of the Bible.

When I pray I want to see God's word come true. I want to see the power of God manifested and His name lifted high. That is my one desire. It was why I was created. I was created to know Him.

God answered me, " I will perform EVERY word. In fact, you can pick any word in the Bible and if you believe for it - it will be yours. My word does not lie. I have to perform it. Believe for it and it will be yours."

I was floored. Anything I needed- is mine. Healing, deliverance, prosperity, deeper relationship with Him - all at my fingertips - All I had to do was find my scriptures and start believing. To stand and when all else fails - keep standing.

Feeling bold, I asked Him why I had to wear the veil. At this point, I wanted to see Him in all His glory -to behold the beauty of the King. He told me I couldn't handle the sight and barely let my veil shift - a sharp intense ray of light pierced my eyes and left me blind for a couple of seconds.

Yes, eternity is going to be awesome.

Crikey

2011-04-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

So Staples has leopard print duct tape. Having recently started liking the "wild-side look", even I started questioning what one would do with leopard duct tape. I'm pretty creative, but I can see that coming to no good. Next episode of CSI - serial killer Bobby's signature becomes tying up his "exotic" woman with leopard duct tape.

My friend Mellie would be proud of me- In an instant I transformed into a shallow little girl excited over the possibilities of what one could do with this new medium. Unfortunately, my mistake was to allow this transformation to take place in front of a sales associate and my husband. Not that I mind showing from time to time, I can be shallow, but showing weakness can be like blood in the water for sharks.

The sales associate was well schooled in the ways of this tape, and had many rolls of a similar pattern to cover a care package to his friend in Iraq. Apparently because it had so much tape on it, the guy ruined his battle knife opening this package. Anyone reading this - say a little prayer for this guy - might need it. After about four more stories, my penance for weakness was over and I was allowed to leave (Actually, he was pretty cool and some of those four stories were pretty funny)

Right now all I can think of several things I'd love to do with leopard print duct tape including:

1) Duct tape my neighbors trash can lid closed. Even as I am writing this blog, I can't handle the constant banging. All day long it constantly thuds. He never puts his trashcans up, and my town is notorious for being really windy. - Not to mention it would be a fun prank.

2) Duct tape the construction site next to my house (Okay so maybe there is a pattern here as I am not exactly happy they are building next to my house and messing up my yard).

3) Pick random folders my husband has to take to work and cover them in said duct tape. Nothing says manly like leopard.

4) Fix a pair of shoes with the tape (Ghetto fabulous - I think yes).

5) Randomly have some around for the next time someone asks me for some tape. Scotch Tape - sure here you go....

Tremble

2011-02-28T19:42:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while, blogging sadly just hasn't been a priority lately. Frankly, I have been too busy restructuring my life as God tears down the walls I haphazardly build. I've decided it's human to try to build walls and set boundaries- and it's truly God to destroy all of those.

I wouldn't trade it for anything - Gosh, I only hope I can remember it all. My opinions, once again, on everything have changed. I've given up everything and yet nothing.

The voice rises from the depth
A still small whisper asking for everything
How could I deny, Some might think I'm crazy
But the voice, I must obey

My heart yearns for that whisper
The confirmation of love from My Beloved
I am a cherished bride, One of His esteemed
Where can I find my Beloved

I look not at the destruction surrounding
I look only for my Beloved, In His eyes I find peace
My security is in Him and Him alone
My protector, my confidant, my deliverer

Worthy of all my affection, He speaks - I tremble

The Majesty of War

2011-01-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

A letter to my husband:

I can't wait until you wake up and I get to read you this thing from Francis Frangipane. I feel it's exactly what you need today. God has us in a season. It's a season to develop an everlasting love for Him. A deeper love than we have every experienced. A fire that can't be quenched. He has graciously bestowed this time on us, because He doesn't want us to miss it. Healing, ministry, church, raising Godly children, prayer - it's all good - but nothing compares to just pouring out and developing our love potential.

I'm still hung up on:

"The degree of power displayed in our lives is directly porportional to the degree that we have surrendered to the will of God and know the will of God."

How far am I away from surrendering? What won't I give up? It kinda is a scary thought. You never really know what you will do until the situation arises. I think I am pretty prepared to do the will of God until He asks that one thing I have been holding back unknowingly. It's a tricky business. But to love Him is to surrender to His love. I want to give Him everything. I just hope that I do.

I had a vision. My vision was I was looking at a painting, almost as an art analyst. The painting looked like an old George Washington Battle Scene. In the center was a white horse with a heavenly horde of angels and saints surrounding it. The painting was divided almost down the middle. On one side was darkness and on the other was light. The saints looked weary, but were gaining ground. They kept fighting even though their victories were sometimes centimeters. They knew that they would win. On the side lines, there was a bunch of newbies fresh out of bootcamp. Waiting for their turn, in this awesome battle.

There is an intense fire in this house. The battle lines are revealed. The rose colored glasses no longer hide the raging war between good and evil. Here in all it's blood and glory, the spiritual realm collides with earth. You know how we were talking about war being an awful thing. The vision I have in my head is anything but. It's actually one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. The Angels and Saints are pushing back the darkness. Tired and weary, they rise to the occasion every time because they know they are gaining ground. I want to be out there. I still feel like a new recruit. But the weary saints are in need of some back up. They have fought the good fight and now it is time for the younger generation to stand up. I've decided there is even beauty and majesty in war.

So much to learn, so little time. Luckily, it really comes down to love.

The drum beats close in...

2011-01-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

My heart feels so many different emotions tonight. It's stirred up with a fire that starts in my bones and won't be shut out. It's also heavy with so much laid upon it. Part of it just wants to scream, cry out and sing at the top of my lungs. But I know, the sounds that come forth won't do the impression I have on my heart justice.

My heart pounds with a beat that resounds throughout my body. A call of war that cannot be shutdown or shutout. The beat sends mixed feelings through me. Feelings not unlike a brand new soldier's, fresh out of bootcamp, first day of combat.

Timing is running out. People get ready. Jesus is coming! This knowledge grows stronger everyday.

It's building... The fury... It's building... The passion... It's building... The Love.

The desire to know Him and be known by Him.... Consumes me.

I heard this quote today and I plan on learning to understand it more:

"The degree of power displayed in our lives is directly porportional to the degree that we have surrendered to the will of God and know the will of God."

I am also checking my heart for judgement. When I talk to people, I want it to be out of love. I have been reading Francis Frangipane's book Exposing the accuser of the brethren:

"That someone should discover the imperfections of their pastor or church is by no means a sign of spirituality. Indeed, we could find fault with the church before we were Christians. What we do with what we see, however, is the measure of Christlike maturity. Remember, when Jesus saw the condition of mankind, He 'emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond servant... He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.' Phil 2:7-8. He died to take away sins; He did not judge them."

It's a fine line between correcting and judging. Deliverance ministry and prophecy also cause many people to feel judged, and I need to be more sensitive. I am amazed at what God has taught me in the last couple of months. I feel so honored and blessed that I am getting this crash course. It has not been easy, but I needed the wake up call.

I just want to be on fire. To stand in His presence and burn - nothing else matters.

Getting the beat down - fiery fighting...

2010-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

"I do not fight like a man beating the air." (Paul in 1 Corinthians 9:26)

Fighting is one of my strong suits - just ask my husband or any man on the other end of the fury (not anger- I specialize in calculated yet somewhat harsh take downs). So why am I so passive when it comes to my beliefs and knowledge of the Bible. The Bible says as clear as day that everything in the Bible relates to me (He is no respecter of persons. What He does for one person - He will do for another). Healing, deliverance, gifts and prophecy- all apply to me. So why haven't I claimed them?

I recently read a book which describes the Bible as being a living will and testament of Jesus. In order for a will to be valid, someone has to die. Because Jesus died, everything in the will (Bible) applies to me.

Lately, I have been pursing healing. Not completely on a personal level, but for several people around me who are in desperate need. I want to understand what it takes for God to heal someone completely. As I have studied and read my Bible, I have concluded it really is a faith issue.

Do you really believe everything the Bible says is true?

The average Christian lives a life of mediocrity and sadly, sickness because they don't claim the benefits of the will. I for one don't want to be one of those people. One of my greatest desires is to see God touch people. I want to see Him heal the sick, raise the dead and deliver people. The more I delve into this aspect of Him, the more fascinated I am by His glory. I have found that my faith is being built, and I am seeing miracles come about. Just last week, I laid hands on my husband and God healed him TWICE!!!! (Of two separate things).

I have started questioning why I behave the way I do. Why, when someone who is close to me says they are sick that I don't lay hands on them. Why I continue to see things in the natural despite knowing that God's Kingdom goes against everything the world says. I am coming to a point that I want to be done with those things. I refuse to just take people's sickness and eventual death as "Sigh, I wish there was something that can be done, but there just isn't." Either the Bible is true or it isn't. Salvation and Healing go hand in hand. Read the New Testament - it's all there. Over and over, He sent out His apostles to preach and heal.

Also, while I am on the subject. I need to stop cursing myself. My words are powerful. Whatever I say will come into being. I need to stop talking about cancer as if it is a death sentence - God has authority over everything. I will stop claiming sickness. I will start claiming healing. I am not going to even allude to the fact that I could possibly get sick from certain diseases in my personal daily conversations. I'm not going to give the devil a foot in the door anymore.

Mind you, this all is a fight. We wrestle not with flesh and blood, but principalities and darkness. This is the Year of War* for me, and I have to say - the Fight has just begun.

I encourage those who read my blog to not settle. If there is something wrong with your body, let the Creator fix it. He made provision for you in His will. Your medical bills are covered. I highly suggest you read these following books.

Recommended Reading:
-The Bible (I know it should go without saying, but healing comes through faith and faith comes from reading the Word. Faith is built through reading the Word until it permeates your being and causes faith to rise up that what is written is absolute truth)
-How to Heal the Sick by Charles and Francis Hunter
-They Shall Expel Demons by Derek Prince

*At the beginning of the year, I always ask the Lord what the word of the year is for me. This year instead of fun, fluffy words like hope, love or victory, He told me it was the Year of War. December it may be, but I am just now getting a feel for what it means to be in the trenches. I feel this entire year was boot camp for the now. The Fire is growing, the Fight has started - Are you ready?

The Fight...

2010-11-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

For a brief period of time as she sunk deeper into the cool, dark blue water, she entertained the thought of drowning. The water cradled her in her descent and comforted her broken mind. Finally able to feel a strange calm, she turned off her mind and floated calmly towards her end. Of course, she wasn’t thinking clearly, but being wrapped in a blanket of water had taken away her ability to reason. Was this not easier?

Then, it hit her- her oxygen was depleted. A pain in her lungs paralyzed her thoughts in a way the water couldn’t, but she knew her choice was now -finish it or fight. This was the point of no return. The deceptive waters held her even closer trying to make her decision one of ease, but her brain screamed, “WAKE UP, this isn’t you.” The fighter inside her arose. Thrashing about, she tried to escape the waters grasp. Stubborn, the water held on to it’s captive. She was losing the battle. Knowing this was her last moment, she used her precious last ounce of breath to cry out to her savior for help.

A supernatural peace came over her. Her thoughts were no longer muddled and strength flooded into her body that was not her own. She broke the surface of the dark and tumultuous water only to flip over on her back and bask in the light. The possessive water still lapped at her body- demanding it’s pound of flesh, but her thoughts were only on her savior and the light.

Her independence and complacency had gotten her here. Looking at the world through new eyes, that had to change. Her uprising out of the depths had placed her back in the arms of her first love-a place where the status quo was not acceptable.

The Bride

2010-11-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Just the other day, I found myself wondering what the Bride as a whole – mind, body and spirit- looks like in God's and Jesus' eyes. I mean neither one of them are so shallow to be caught up in looks, but what makes her so special that she catches the eye of the Most High.

First, let me clarify whom I am talking about when I talk about the Bride of Christ and use the pronoun “she”. I am talking about the body of Christ as a whole – both men and women- who have dedicated themselves to serving and loving Christ. The Bible frequently refers to a pure and spotless bride. Just as sea captains refer to their boats as female, Jesus refers to the Body of Christ as his bride. He longs for them just as a bridegroom longs to be married to his beloved, and is ravished by their attentions towards Him (Read Song of Solomon). Here is what I wrote in my prayer journal - probably wrong but feel free to give me your thoughts:

"The Bride of Christ is not a meek-mannered girl dressed in all white. She's a warrior - a fierce creature -, trained in battle, and unafraid of anything because she is used to keeping up with her beloved (Not an easy feat considering that He is constantly on the move). Jesus looks fondly at her battle scars because they are proof of victory. He's not looking for a princess, but a girl who can hold her own. Yes, she has all the grace and power of a queen, but it's her strength and devotion that draws Him to her. She's dark but lovely. Her weakness is her strength. She is compassionate, loving, and kind. Steadfast, she wrestles not with flesh and blood."

Jesus never believed in hurting people, but He does believe in war. The bride understands the war is on the inside. The battle is for keeps. I find more often than not, I am not fighting against some dark powers that be, but my own will. Though I do not doubt the desire of the devil to watch me fail, I know my own flesh fights against me to help him.

The bride understands the Beatitudes. Read them until they get into your system – they will transform your life:

Mathew 5:3-11

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4
Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
5
Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the earth.
6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
7
Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
8
Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
9
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
10
Blessed are those who are persecuted
for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11“Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. 12Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

This is why I'm alive

2010-11-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

I really like this song. I feel as long as He's with me I can survive anything.

Let’s survive this –Laura Hackett

Let’s survive this together
We’ve survived so much together already
But I want to live through this with you

Vs.2
This is why I’m alive
It’s moments like this I want together with you
Let’s just take tonight and breathe again

Chorus:
You feel pain tonight
You won’t always feel this way
You feel pain tonight

And it’s gonna be ok
It’s gonna be ok
(back to vs. 1)

What I wish I had know before I got married:

2010-11-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

1) Movies are completely wrong. I'll let you know when I see a realistic one.

2) You never completely know your husband - it's terrible when you stop trying to explore his nature. He needs to be pursued.

3) Your relationship with God changes, because all of the sudden you are one person in two people's bodies.

4) There is no Better Wives Bureau, but there should be.

5) Marriage can cause a sudden loss of friends.

6) Pet names for each other can be great as long as they aren't too graphic. The public isn't ready for such nonsense. And Hippo is never acceptable or cute.

7) A man's truck is his castle. Don't wash it with a brillo pad.

8) One chick flick to 10 action films is a reasonable deal.

9) Everything is a "that's what she said" and should be treated as thus.

10) Guys don't understand girls so go easy on them and spell things out a lot.

10.5) Which brings me to my next point -Use the term Halo numbers when exaggerating (It's easy to understand). IE: " I washed a thousand dishes in halo numbers of course." Quite similar to killing "9" grunts when in actuality you have only killed 4.

11) Keep a close eye on the unmentionable drawer.

12) Two walk-in-closets can sometimes not be enough.

13) Turtlenecks= shrugs

14) Bed and Breakfast= AWESOME

15) Don't skimp on the honeymoon.

16) Don't forget to put a why behind I love you occasionally or those three words become meaningless.

17) People will always look at you crazy when you tell your dog "mommy wants you to go find daddy."

18) There is no magical day when the fighting completely stops. You are two people dying to oneself. Doesn't mean you have to always agree.

19) Guns do complicate matters, but in the end are a good thing.

20) Champagne baths

21) One screw-up meal a month is allowed -That is all.

21.5) If you are not an expert, carrot is not a good base for a soup.

21.75) Remember to shell your crustaceans before putting them in a meal.

22) Buy the five pack of pregnancy test - it's completely worth it.

23) Love letters don't need to stop just because you got married. Looking back on your history is one of the best things you can do.

23.5) You should write her a love song because she asked for one, Cause she needs one - you see.

24) Apologies go a long way.

25) Don't let your dog play with your husband's soccer ball.

26) Frozen grapes.

27) Always remind your husband when you have the grill in the back of the truck especially when nearing the garage.

28) Nobody likes to be an iphone widower

29) Don't forget to pray over your husband in front of him. NOT SARCASTICALLY.

30) Never forget marriage means FOREVER... No outs.

A great evil has taken over my house

2010-11-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

There is a great evil in my house. My dog seems to think the devil himself resides here now.

It all started yesterday. Helo (my dog) noticed the outdoors started becoming indoors. Bright lights attacked him from every angle and glitter covered his fur. Sure of the devil's hand in my Christmas decoration, he has lived in constant wariness. He sleeps with one eye open, sure his soul is about to be taken from him. Letting out little barks of warning at every turn, he tries to warn me of the impending doom. It doesn't help that these are dark days anyway as daylight savings time creeps up upon us.

My husband and I just wanted to decorate together for once before he goes back to work. We had no idea how it might crack our dog and send him to a puppy insane asylum.

Happy First Christmas Helo!

James Bond

2009-11-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, so maybe I have a problem. To comfort myself when my husband is gone, I have surrounded myself with many eyes. Bunnies, dolphins, snowmen - all in various shapes, sizes and textures give me that added sense of not being alone - at least until the lights go off. Then they peer through devilish eyes waiting to seize my soul.

I have always been the kind of person who wants to be alone on my own terms. I love being alone, but only when I decide that's the way I want it. Unfortunately, with my husband's job I don't get to chose these said times.

Our house is big and makes a lot of weird noises during the night. There is no knight in shining armor, no James Bond to rescue a damsel in distress... Only me and the killer bunnies. Monty Python has nothing on us.

I guess what I am trying to warn anyone visiting my house, if you see a bunny tail facing out - he's not in time out. I am just not allowing him to steal my soul. Not on my watch.

Transformed...

2009-11-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't deal with a bit of self loathing? In my freshman year of college, my psych teacher asked all of her students to write down the top thing we would change about our body -given a chance. As she read off the hated body parts, she came to a curious one. Thinking of nothing physically I truly hated, I wrote down my second toe as it was longer than the big toe and I had received many insults concerning it. My entire class broke out and started begging for the culprit to fess up.

Everyone else had weight issues, noses that were broken, or downright wanted to change everything. I have always found that the parts I wanted to change were never on the outside. I have seen people completely sold out to Christ and wanted that desperately. Always feeling like I fall short. Knowing the price of their relationship to be costly. I will always want to change. I will always want more. When I feel like I am slipping off the path, this hatred of what I am becoming always pulls me back.

I have been reading Jeremiah a lot lately, and he still slightly baffles me. He endured persecution, people who didn't believe him time and time again, devastation, his family betrayed him and yet he continued to preach the harsh message that God continuely placed on his heart. He was never popular and was hated by all. Kings suffered horrible deaths because they didn't listen to his warning. And I know, that if just one had listened it would have made me feel better. He suffered it all gladly because of the voice. He had the God of the Universe speaking to him -dwelling with him in the secret place. People take the voice for granted - until it leaves. Then they become desperate.

Oh that I was desperate!

The only time I can ever say that change came easy is when I married my husband. I won't say that it is easy being married or having one's identity completely tied into another persons. But from the second, I knew he was the one, I was a changed girl. I knew there was no going back. I wasn't right without him. I wasn't whole. Sometimes I feel like that about God, and other times I slip. I know my relationship to Jesus is a mirror of my marriage, but I guess having a husband who always let's his presence be known and demands my attention - makes it easier to keep up the relationship.

Oh how I hate....

2009-09-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

Several friends have prompted me to write about my upcoming wedding, and I would have already done so if I had a half-way decent internet connection. But alas, Rabbit Run Farm(My parents house) is stuck in the age of dial-up leaving me bitter and frustrated when it comes to blogging.

I plan on blogging about how I met the most wonderful man in the whole world (sometime in the near future), and what led me (a person deeply afraid of commitments) to take the plunge into the great unknown (needless to say he's really special and there is no way I could live without him).

But today, I think I will focus on garage sales. Garage sales are the bane of my existence... The absolute fuel that causes all the love in my heart to be drained. So why I agreed to participate in three of them is beyond me. The logic seemed worthy as my mom explained that my poor new husband was going to have to bear the brunt of all the trinkets I had collected since pre-school. I lived in horror of trashing out his house with polly pockets and grand champion horses. I was just about ready to do anything to save my pride from taking box after box of crap to my man's house. Plus, my mom explained that the money earned from the garage sale could go towards the wedding.

Three garage sales later - I was ready to kill anything and anyone in my path. But we did manage to make a little money (and all the stuff went to Goodwill so I never have to see it again. While in my head I know that garage sales and purging are not the end of the world, I think it is still going to take me some time to quit shuddering at the very mention of those words.

Glory

2009-04-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

The other day at work when one of my coworkers walked past me, I flashed him this big smile. His entire countenance changed and he said, "You know, normally you have a smile on your face, but there are some days where your smile is almost unearthly - Like you are in a different place."

And I am...

I love that the glory I experience can be seen on my face.

"For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you. And His glory shall be seen upon you." Isaiah 60:2

Here are some of the words I got from that place:

I have called you. Rise my beloved. I want more. Most of all, from you - I want quality time.

The Fire will come, and you will be consumed.

The Bible is full of Me calling people, begging them for a relationship. I keep begging because of the lack of response. Come My beloved. All will worship before me, eventually. I want them to chose Me now. I am still begging.

Just rest in Me. Isn't My presence enough? Don't you just want to be with me? Isn't enough? Must you only come to me with problems. We don't have to speak. I just like being with you. Spending time. Staring eye to eye.

Thoughts

2009-04-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

I love words... Especially the words relating to God - imperishable, undefiled, hope, glory, peace, joy, salvation, conformed and unblemished. Right now, I feel a renewed hope in words. I don't exactly know how to explain it.

I originally went into journalism because words meant a lot to me. I was a firm believer in the fact that the right words caused change - anything could be said in a way that would make a difference. Now I see the error in my logic. Yes, words still have power and can change anything. But only if they are spoken from the Life Source.

One of my few desires is to have His words constantly flow through me whether it be a word of encouragement, praise or scripture.

Shrinking Head Potion

2009-02-18T14:26:00.001-08:00

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
Mark Twain

"I like life. It's something to do."
Ronnie Shakes

I have to think most people are bland and live mundane lives they have carved out for themselves. Their normalcy and decision to strive only to fit in with society keeps them from living extrodanairy lives. Occasionally, I stumble upon a person who makes my life entirely worth living, a person whose quirkiness makes me appreciate my last breath. Sometimes I can even pick them out of a crowd. It might be an obviously straight guy who carries a girly bag, or a girl who likes to share way too much personal information in class.

Being able to appreciate people and their quirkiness, happens to be one of the things that keeps me happy. Lately, I thought I had lost that. But today, I found it again. And believe me, it is not something I want to give up. Life is too short not to be happy. Not to look it straight in the eyes and laugh. I don't ever want to be the person that answers "nothing much" when asked what I was up to. Everyone has a story to tell.

Probably if I learned anything from my Great Grandmother besides wanting to be exactly like her, I learned about making my small part of life as pleasant as I could by choosing to be happy. She had a small framed picture of this hideous orange flower surrounded by the words "Bloom where you are planted." And that is exactly what she did everyday. Despite the pain she endured, despite the anger of the teenage girl that lived with her, despite all of her circumstances - she woke up happy, put on her lipstick, talked to the birds outside her window and kept smiling the whole day long.

Everything could be fixed with either a cup of coffee and a chat or a coat of glitter.

I thoroughly enjoyed today.

Here are some recent humorous topics/happenings this week in short:

"If he shaved his head, he'd have AIDS."

The rebuttal:

"There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams." The Office

RANDOM NAMES:
Snarl
Barney
Thing 1
Thing 2
Rising Star
Pocahontas
Sparta
Mr. Priss

Question:
"Have you ever wondered if there is a such thing as a shrinking head potion? I mean what about people with small heads."

Reponse:
"That's freakish"

Riding the pony.

Boy Craziness

"Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'." The Office

Chipotle Date.

Serial Killer Handwriting.

"I guess I need to watch more Criminal Minds so I can profile if he's the kind of serial killer that you need to be good friends with because he doesn't know his victims or run away from."

Shake it...

2009-02-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for being so cynical lately. My joyful nature and love for life got zapped somewhere in life's troubles. It's not like me, and I refuse to stay here. I know what to do, I know how to fix this. Life is always going to be problematic, but I don't have to react this way. I can embrace it with dancing in the parking lot, laughter and the typical Abigail look.

Thanks for standing by. It will get better, but only by His grace.

I had a great night with God the other day. I felt so insignificant, so unworthy and so weak. I have always considered myself strong and yet I was weak. I found myself begging Him not to leave me alone. I guess all the previous rejections had finally gotten to me. I just kept begging Him and of course He stayed. He chose me. He even told me He has promised me things and to ask Him to prove it because He would. So He's not going to leave, and He's going to prove everything to me. This chick is going to be fine.

This blog was particularly hard for me to write because I like to think I am a strong person and nothing gets to me. In the past I felt I had to be strong, I couldn't let things get to me because if I fell apart who would take up the slack? Showing weakness is something I NEVER wanted to do. Unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control lately brought out my weaknesses.

The God of the universe loves me.

I'm not going to cower. I will stand tall in heels and conquer. This year is the year of victory for me.

Cryptic Happenings.

2009-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

My life in summary right now:

Studying the dangers and delusions of dating.

Dancing Bear and Crazy Tree

The soap smells like dog piss.

Pork Chop

Taped glasses

Bitsy and Midge take to the mall...

Britney Spears shouldn't turn anyone on.

Love is pain.

Can I touch your robot?

Whip it... Whip it good.

Bloody knuckles.

No Habla Espanol - see what I mean...

Soon she ain't yo ho no mor.

Backster Backster

The one in goggles is kind of hot.

I should have worn my chucks, but how could i have known

Have you facebook stalked him yet?

Molestation happens all the time.

Where's the flood, buddy.

Good thing you can't be impregnated by someone looking at you.

Wish me well.

Smelling like pancakes and butt.

I kinda feel like a child molester.

Fine, I'll take him. I can't deny my own blood.

I'm blaming it all on Post Traumatic Stress.

Strictly, no ex husbands.

Believable doubt.

I feel like I am eating for five.

Rejection Hotline

***If you where tagged chances are you were with me during these incidents or at least know about it. Disclaimer: Many of these statements I only witnessed.

Love

2009-01-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

Is something I want to be able to give unreserved. Something that even despite the pain, heartache and life's problems - People can look at me and say - but she loved.

And let me tell you I did. I still do. I won't and can't stop.

I don't always accomplish what I set out to, and I often fall short. But this is one thing I want to be good at.

I respect people that are unconditional lovers. People who despite being spit on have risen above and still loved.

La neige au sahara (Like snow on the Sahara) is my ultimate goal. I want to live a life of excessive waste. ***TRANSLATION*** I want to be able to love and keep on loving. I don't want to grow cold. Despite rejection and heartache I want to be able to rise above and love. Because love is the one thing that changes everything. It doesn't matter that the snow melts. It doesn't matter that it seems pointless - all that matters is that something unique happened. Something that is rare. Unconditional love is rare.

So there it is - My only goal in life....

Because after all - God is love.

Snowflakes

2009-01-11T21:31:00.001-08:00

So a couple of years ago my mom got on this snowflake kick. "Did you know that no snowflake is the same?" She asked. "Did you realize that God constructed everyone of them differently even though they would melt?" "We didn't even know about snowflakes until recently when a photographer learned how to take pictures of them in the air." "Scientist have found that each are individual and different."

It about drove me crazy...

But it's true. God ordained that every snowflake be it's own snowflake. It is different in it's own way. And if you have ever googled pictures you will see the beauty and majesty.

I think we can learn a lot from the snowflake. If God put so much time into something so small that nobody could even see, why wouldn't He put time into us. He has created us to each be different. In our created beauty, He designed us individually and took special time and care into what makes me, me. And if you think for a minute my God doesn't care, look at the snowflake because you are wrong.

Yet will I sing

2009-01-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Let this be the only love song I write
May You be the only Love in my life
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust
I asked You to call me, I said I would come
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run

Though my song be taken from me
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You
Though the joy be taken from me
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You
Though the light be hidden from me
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You
Though my heart be slain within me
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You

‘Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens
So though my weeping may last for the night
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light

Audra Lynn

As morbid as this sounds, I actually want this song played at my funeral. It describes my journey completely. I can't do any of this without His mercy. And my death should be a day of great joy. It won't happen a minute before He planned it. An eternity of worshiping Christ... I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

Victory

2009-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

For many years now, God has given my mom a word at the beginning of the year that would sum up what her year would be like. My family has lived through the year of restoration, abandonment and 2009 will be release.

This year, God gave me my own word for the year. He told me this year was going to be a year of Victory. Frankly, I'm excited. In my life, I haven't had much of that. I feel like I have been wandering around the same mountain for years waiting for something to change, for something to happen. Now that time has come. He has promised if I do what I know I am supposed to do, He will bring victory into my life in many areas.

I feel this also applies to things I have prayed for for many years. So this year, I am not giving up. My soul will not be comforted until I have victory. I will pray with new urgency. Not relenting until I see it come to pass. The hour is short and victory is mine.

Coursing through the blood.

2009-01-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

I said I couldn't put it into words, but I am going to try:

I am -

sad, disappointed, hurt, crushed, unsure, disengaged, exhausted, aggravated, sick, torn, shocked,demoralized, appalled, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, disillusioned, disinclined, repulsed, stifled, thwarted...

But at the same time:

I am -

accepted, adored, adorable, approved of, desirable, entrusted, loved, validated, valued, welcomed,cherished...

By my King

Loving me....

2009-01-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I made a vow. I chose to unite myself with the King. He became my everything - my all and all. Everything was perfect. That is until I started getting to busy. It started out so simply, "I can't spend time with you today because I have to do this." and then it progressed until before long we were strangers. I wanted to talk to Him, but I was scared. It was all my fault it had fallen apart, and now why should He, a King of all people, speak with me.. A lowly girl who had played the harlot with her first love. But when we did talk that wasn't what he had to say:

I still want you. You are Mine. I've ruined you for any other man. I'm jealous. You are Mine.

Hosea 2:19 "And I will betroth you to me forever, Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in loving kindness and in compassion. And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord."

I won't stand for it. I chose you. I will consume you and be consumed by you. You were made for this.

Hosea 3:3 Then I said to her "You shall stay with me for many days. You shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man; so I will also be toward you."

Hosea 6:1-3 "Come let us return to the Lord, For He has torn us, but He will heal usl He has wounded us, but he will bandage us. He will revive us after two days. He will raise us up on the third day that we might live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord."

I still love you. I know who you are, and I still want you. My desire is toward you.

STOP!!!

Song of Solomon: 2:10b "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along."

Song of Solomon 4:9b "You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes."

Isaiah 33:14b-17 "Who among us can live with the consuming fire? Who among us can live with continual burning? He who walks righteously and speaks with sincerity, He who rejects unjust gain and hakes his hand so that they hold no bribe; He who stops his ears from hearing about bloodshed, and shuts his eyes from looking upon evil; he will dwell on the heights; his refuge will be the impregnable rock; his bread will be give him; His water will be sure. Your eyes will see the King in his beauty.

I'm melting your heart. You've grown cold and calloused because you stopped focusing soley on me. Your heart will be soft and pliable. You will pray with tears, and My heart will not be able to say no.

Isaiah 43:1b "Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.

Isaiah 59:1-2 "Behold the Lord's hand is not so short that it cannot save; Neither is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God. And your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He does not hear.

Psalms 51

You fell out of love with Me because you forgot it was a choice. Choose Me. I'm still deeply in love with you. Choose Me. I'm waiting. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped desiring you. You are My rose, My lily, the apple of My eye. I want to love you, to protect you, to posses you completely.

We are still one. You chased after other lovers, but I have been faithful. I have loved you and stayed true. Return to Me. All is forgiven.

Will you marry Me? Will you take My name? You've already made a covenant. We are married. Remember your vows. I have ruined you, and you won't ever be happy until you return. The light in your eyes and happiness in your spirit come from Me. I want forever. None of this to death do us part. I want forever.

I take everything - fear, shame , compromise, sin. If you want Me. I'm here. Waiting.

No more emptiness. The lovers you have been chasing will never fulfill you.

Turn around.

No more condemnation. You've repented. You're still My favorite one. I will bring restoration if you'll let me. You are the one I want.

Come home...

Don't look back. Fix your eyes on Me...

***

My only answer to all of this was "Yes".

Torn

2008-11-29T20:57:00.000-08:00

Lately, several things have happened that most people would deem "setbacks." It hasn't been easy, but I know that they were God ordained. I have been reading this book about Job and have come to several conclusions.

Job was blameless - I am not. I honestly set myself for all of this, and I thank God He has taken an interest. I can't relate to the magnitude of struggles, but I can tell you a story:

One day my mom's favorite dog, Cowboy, was with the gang (At this particular time, we had 8 dogs) of dogs who loved him dearly. They knew Cowboy was mom's baby, and in turn, they never laid a finger on him and all treated him sweetly. Anytime he came out to play, everyone wanted to hang out with him.

One day, Cowboy got attacked by coyotes. All of the sudden, all the dogs who loved him and were his comrades went for his throat. They started tearing Cowboy to shreds at the first sign of blood.

That is where I feel I am at.

*Incidentally, Cowboy is no longer alive as of last week.

<<<< COWBOY CAME HOME ON DECEMBER 20TH. GOD IS SO FAITHFUL >>>>

Thanksgiving - a time of judgement

2008-11-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

Family - they can be the most supportive people in your life, or the most judgmental. My family likes to switch roles. Sometimes they feel the need to inform me that despite the fact that I am only 22, I’m getting old and need to be married and popping out a kid now. I like to think that 22 really isn’t on death’s door. I mean it isn’t like I am over the hill yet or that my womb has died.

Part of this comes from most of my family living in East Texas, where if you are 18 and unmarried you are an old maid, and probably will remain such. My immediate family is very supportive. My mom and dad have always let me do things at my own pace and tried not to interfere. They constantly tell me they are proud of my choices. My other family members however feel the need at Thanksgiving to pinch my cheek, warn me about my fastly encroaching death and warn me to “Get myself a man.”

Is there really anything wrong with being single? What is this plague I wear so boldly? What makes extended family members question my sanity and sexuality because I chose to not couple myself with just any guy. Ever since I was little, my relatives have asked me about my latest boyfriend. Imagine their disappointment every time when my answer was the same as the last - don’t have one… Haven’t met one that was “the one”.

I’m not just going to date for the sake of dating. I am not a lonely miserable person. If someone is going to entice me back on the market, they will have to be pretty special.

I think my relatives should eat more pie. Eating pie makes people happy and keeps them occupied. Pie is the true miracle of the holidays - keeping people quiet, not gossiping and happy.

Pick-up lines

2008-11-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

One has to applaud a man who can come up with a unique pick-up line. There is something so absolutely painful about watching a guy use a standard one and having his hopes dashed because of his poor choice. Maybe I am just picky, but I get weirded out if it feels too much like a common everyday pick-up line.

I thought I had heard every one in the book, but the new James Bond movie introduced a new one, “Can you help me find the stationary?” Classy… Yeah right… It was inventive, I suppose, but unless you are Daniel Craig, I just don’t see it working. I have heard many including the standard, “Did it hurt? You know - when you fell from heaven?”, and they typically have the opposite effect of what the guy intended.

In fact, I have made it my mission to come up with anti-pick-up lines. Occasionally a crazy one slips past me to which I have no response. Sometimes creativity gets the better of some people, and they use that one shot with a girl to get straight to their intentions. I have even had one guy ask me “You look different. Did you get laid? Did you want to?” Way to tell a girl up front what’s on your mind.

Yes, there really is no point to this blog, other than to say - if you plan on using a pick-up line anytime soon. Think it through and be creative. And warn your friends…

I guess all this stems from the fact that I am completely not interested in dating and that always seems to be the exact moment many become interested in asking. I don’t know how I can put the “no vacancy” sign any clearer on my forehead. I’m happy being single, and I intend to stay this way for a while.

The perks

2008-11-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

Since the last blog was about what guys do wrong, I feel the need to be fair and say what they do right:

1) Guys are loyal. For the most part, guy friends are huge gossipers. They don’t feel the need to tell that juicy bit of news to their guy friends. Granted there are exceptions to every rule, but most guys aren’t as back stabbing as girls.

2) Guys don’t nag for info: When a guy sees I am upset, he typically asks whats wrong and if I don’t want to talk about it - he doesn’t press me. Instead, he tries to do things that take my mind of my problems. Girls, on the other hand, want to know what is going on and will say anything to drag it out of a person.

3) Guys don’t typically sit down and cry about it: Now while there is nothing wrong with a man who cries, they are known for not being as emotional as females. I find that a plus in EVERY way. I typically relate better to guys and enjoy the non drama relationships.

4) They aren’t petty. Guys normally don’t hold grudges for long periods of time.

Random

2008-10-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be a few random things I intensely dislike that some guys do:

1) Show off in front of their friends. Sure guys can be sweet and wonderful when you are alone with them, but the second they get in a room filled with other guys, they feel the need to demonstrate who wears the pants in the relationship. Unfortunately, with me that often backfires. I guess as long as I don’t get put down in the process, they can show off as much as they want.

2) They can be non confrontational. If they can sweep it under a rug and pretend it isn’t going to happen, they totally will. I am an in-your-face-kinda-girl. If there is a problem, I don’t believe in letting it fester. I want to talk it out and work on solutions right then and there. That intimidates a lot of guys. I believe in “discussions” rather than fighting, but even that seems to scare them. It drives me crazy that they just can’t come out and say there is a problem so it can be fixed.

3) Obsessed with video games. Ok, so maybe this really isn’t a fair one. We all have our vices. I shall back down. ; )

4) Driven by sex. I can’t tell you how many guys have dated me with only sex in mind. I like to think that there is more to life than sex - Maybe I’m wrong. I have literally had people tell me that they only wanted to be with me if I would sleep with them. I have even had people use that in pick-up lines. (Let me tell you, that was awkward. I prefer that not to be the first thing out of someone’s mouth.). I just don’t like to be seen as a piece of meat.

5) Arrogance. Yes, one word sums it up. If you know your that great, I would prefer not to have to constantly hear about it. I am pretty discerning. It’s one thing to be confident - another entirely to be arrogant.

*DISCLAIMER - Yes, I know that girls have equally bad traits such as being bitchy and whiny… And I know that not all guys exhibit these traits, or if they do, some of them aren’t to the point of driving me crazy.*

This entry was posted on Friday, No

Blind leading the blind cont...

2008-10-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

In last weeks blog, I left it at the dramatic point - I stopped answering my phone.

After several calls the guy finally gave up. But I soon couldn’t stand my childishness and decided to call the guy and tell him I didn’t think a relationship was going to work. I was going to give him all the excuses one normally gives in the situation of having a 31-year-old man with two Harleys hitting on her because her speech teacher gave her number out.

I had it all planned out in my head- I would call him and tell him I really wasn’t over my ex. I couldn’t move on - or some such likely excuse.

The phone rang twice, and he answered. With a shaky voice, I asked him how he was doing and he asked me if I got his flowers. Then a horrible thing happened, he started talking to someone else that sounded suspiciously like my speech teacher.

Low and behold, it was. Freaked out, I could no longer continue the “break up”. He said he was over at my speech teacher’s house eating dinner, and I tried to calmly as possible tell him, I hoped he had a great time and I’ll talk to him later.

Nerves shot, I never called him again. He tried once more and gave up. i was worried that my grade in speech class might be in jeopardy, but for some reason, I still managed to pull an “A”.

So yes, I have had my chance at dating the dark mysterious, older Harley-driving man and turned it down. Take from it what you will.

The blind leading the blind

2008-10-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

The day was cold and rainy - a sign of what was to come. On Thursdays, I had a several classes including a Speech night class. I was so sick that I couldn’t leave the junior college I attended that day. So I just laid down on the floor and tried to sleep it off. The only reason I made myself stay was because I had a test.

As I sat there taking my test, oblivious to anything besides my own loopiness. (SIDENOTE: I try not to take anything… Because on good days, I smell cough syrup and I am out cold. I have never been tempted to do drugs because it really doesn’t take much to lay me low. That particular day, I had more than my fair share of cough syrup. ) During the test, my teacher called me up to the front of the class. She asked me if I would mind if she gave my phone number to one of her friends. She was completely sure we would be perfect together. He was tall, nice and had a ponytail. Sure he was, 12 years older than me. But what was a little age?

I was completely out of it. I shrugged and told her I really didn’t care. I just needed people to quit harassing me and sleep.

The next morning I woke up with a start, scared at what had happened the night before. I couldn’t remember any details besides the fact that my speech teacher was giving my number out. I finally calmed myself down after realizing the chances of a complete stranger calling my number was slim.

Two weeks later, I received a phone call from a Harley-owning, 31 year old. At the time, I was 19.

After talking to him a week and feeling my grade might be in jeopardy, I agreed to have coffee . I asked him if two of my friends could tag along - a guy and a girl. (SIDENOTE 2:What guy in his right mind goes on a blind date with a girl and her friends?)…

The guy arrived at the coffee shop and stared at me the whole time. Freaked out, I just kept talking. (SIDENOTE 3: I tend to talk even more than normal when nervous) The more I talked the more he acted like he liked me. The next day he sent me funeral flowers. I realize he meant for them to be a kind gesture, but apparently the flower shop had several funerals that week and were in that mindset when they arranged it.

The whole incident disturbed me and so I took the childish approach and stopped answering my phone.

***Read next week’s blog for the conclusion to my second blind date***

You know who you are don't do it again.

2008-10-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

In 2006, “Do not answer”* and I were dating. He was absolutely in love with one of my sterling silver bracelets. That fact, only slightly concerned me about him - I mean seriously, it was a girl’s bracelet. To make a long story short, he asked to borrow it and said he would give it back to me on my birthday. Unfortunately, we broke up a week later. The bracelet was lost to me - or so I thought.

Now that I am back on speaking terms with him, I asked for my bracelet back. The bracelet has sentimental value to me as it was given to me by my grandmother. After pretending he gave it to some one else, he came clean and promised to mail it.

I find it rather ironic that my birthday is in a week and kinda hope he sends it back to me in time. I am chocking this one up to another strange “Abigail and her ex” moments, of which, I seem to have so many. I’ll keep you posted as to when I get the bracelet back.

PS: The blog title actually has nothing to do with my ex and has to do with a classified ad in The Shorthorn.

*See “Ex marks the spot”

Ex marks the spot

2008-09-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

His name became “do not answer” in my phone.

I thought I cared about him a long time ago, but several years later and plenty of time to reflect - I now know better. I broke up with him, but for years, he would randomly pop back into my life during times of crisis. ***On a side note - how many friends can you really have get shot? During the three years I have known him, he has had at least two friends die from being shot, and he has been shot at himself. Crisis follow this boy.***

Recently, he added me on Facebook, and we started talking again. It seriously doesn’t bother me that we talk, but I do find it rather weird. I found out he has been in a six month relationship. Last week, he sent me a message asking my advice on his relationship. (When did I become “Dear Abby?”) After talking him through his crisis and giving him what little advice I could offer, I found myself wondering how I get in these situations. Currently, I am in communication with all of my ex’s, and I am pretty much the first person they call when they need someone to listen or advice. ***sidenote2: He and his girlfriend are doing well. Apparently they have resolved all their problems.***

I still care about each of them on a strictly friendship basis. I have only dated three guys even remotely serious in my life. All of them were my best friend at the time so I know a lot about their past, fears and problems. But is this really healthy?

Saving my ex’s relationships, one day at a time is definitely not how I plan on living out the rest of my life. I guess I am just too nice.

Spell Check

2008-09-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I delved into the wonderful world of unlimited text messages. The details of how I survived before this are a little hazy and I am unsure that I really was able to function at full “communication capacity” before this. My mom has often said that I have a word quota that I have to get out every day, which would explain why at the end of the day I spend quite a bit of time talking and text messaging.

But my glorious new found freedom of communicating without actually talking comes with a great price. I am unable to send text messages without proper punctuation and will only shorten the word “you” to “u” if the 156 characters allotted per text message isn’t getting my point across.

In fact, to get a text message that says “Wats up wit u. 2nite im gonna zzz good,” sends me into complete meltdown. So I guess my question is - if a guy is going to hit on me via text message, knowing full well that I plan to make a living off my pen, why wouldn’t he put in the extra time to spell out “tonight”?

I wish I could say I have only had one guy try to win me over with bad grammar and shortened words, but that would be an understatement. I just don’t understand this phenomenon, which extends beyond text messages to emails, Facebook wall posts, and the occasional letter (Though I can almost understand people misspelling in letters because obviously they haven’t made a “Papercheck 008″, which handily corrects your penmanship as you write).

Just last week, one of my dear friends decided to tell me I was the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, the only word in the whole entire text message that resembled something in Websters was the word “dreams”.

Yes, maybe I am being a hypocrite because obviously I fall short of being a whiz at spelling, and I did say there are only two things I am looking for. But nevertheless, I can’t help but feel words do matter, and while occasional misspelling happens it should not be the norm.

So I guess, you can add that to the list of things I am looking for - someone who can spell the word “you”.

Fair Warning

2008-09-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

For those who are easily bored this might be the blog you want to skip - consider yourself warned. An explanation to my single status must be taken care of before I can get into the on-going tales of bad blind dates gone wrong, awesome pick-up lines and ex’s who just can’t take a hint.

I don’t date because….

I have never been one to date for the sake of dating. Yes, I have dated several guys and even become serious with a few. I wouldn’t trade what I learned from those relationships for anything, but I have to admit I see dating as rather pointless. I have watched my friends go from one relationship to the next leaving pieces of their heart along the relationship trail, and I can’t see the merit of “dating around”.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in marriage and getting to know someone before taking the plunge. But when you know the person isn’t right - why bother staying in a dead-end relationship.

* If at this point, if I still have readers and they happen to be wondering - No, I haven’t been in a extremely long relationship*

After dating several guys and having my heart broken at least once, I realized what I was looking for in a relationship. Looks, wealth, career goals and even height (because I am nearly six foot tall and dating shorter can be a challenge) really mean nothing to me. I honestly, just want two things…

What I am looking for:

1) Someone who loves God more than me and has a personal relationship with Him.
2) Someone who loves me a whole heck of a lot.

I don’t think people realize how rare a man my ideal is. I am not asking he be tall, dark and handsome - able to make lots of money and hold a conversation with French noble men. I just want him to fulfill those two requirements.

Staying single is hard because…

The reason dating can be a problem for me is most guys know my expectations and try to mimic what I want. Short-term it seems like it might work but long-term it never does. At this point I would rather be single, because I won’t and can’t settle for any less.

Another reason is because I tend to be outgoing, I constantly have the oddest awkward moments with the opposite sex. Many people, male and female, have mistaken my being nice for flirting and tried to ask me out.

In the future, my blog will probably consist of more of my thoughts on dating, crazy people who can’t take “no” for an answer and past “Abigail dating moments.”

Sheeple

2008-09-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

When at a loss - make up a word.

Several years ago after following a crowd of rowdy teenagers off the legendary cliff mothers always warn their children about, my mom sat me down to have the “let’s be unique” conversation. She told me I should strive to not be a “sheeple” (As near as I can figure, she meant sheep are dumb and will follow each other about blindly.)

During this conversation, I guess I must have been listening (evidenced by the fact that I remember the exact word she said), and even decided to not live my life by anyone’s standards but my own. I have been mocked and criticized for my stance on dating and relationships, but then again, the stories that come from my approach to dating have been the amusement of many friends.

As a journalist, my life revolves around writing and the ability to make everything into a story. I have often said everything is a story - one just has to find the right angle. This is the reason, I have decided to blog about my lack of healthy relationships or really - relationships in general. I choose to remain single not because I am picky about looks, types or worldly possessions, but because I have one thing I am looking for and haven’t quite found it yet.

Unfortunately, friends, ex’s and family never seem to understand my happy single state, and thus the amusing stories begin…

Indiana...

2008-08-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

So you like me...

2008-08-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

- A concept that nobody ever seems to get. The only way to my heart is through Him because my life is not my own. I belong to Him, and any interested person has to have His approval and blessing. Pursing me will get them nowhere - because I don't make the decisions.

I liken it to a Dad giving His approval in the days when marriages were arranged. The dad was always the one to have the final say and I am sure the "suitor" did everything he could to prove his worth. I guess guys today struggle with this (well first off because none of them have a clue who He is) because it seems so outdated and old fashioned.

It doesn't take much to impress me - my approval means nothing. I am waiting for the go ahead. Anyone who wants me - needs to first get His approval. I am easy to convince after that.

It's painful to me because many have tried to prove their love and find God but their efforts have been for my sake. They haven't treated my God (Father) like he is a real person just an afterthought. They liked the idea of me, but weren't willing to commit. In my weak mindedness, I thought maybe I was imagining this. I fell for them, but found their relationship with the most important thing in my life to be non existent. I allowed it so it was my fault, but the deception hurt nontheless.

What I am looking for:
1) Someone who loves God more than me and has a personal relationship with Him.
2) Someone who loves me a whole heck of a lot.

I realize such a man is rare and I am just waiting for the one who understands. I won't and can't settle for any less because like I said - it isn't my decision.

-Abigail

The Hardest Part

2008-08-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I,
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh, and I,
Oh, and I,
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

-Coldplay

Rainbow

2008-08-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading a friends blog about rainbows and God's promises at 5:30 this morning when the tears started.

Yesterday I went into work and saw this incredible rainbow!! I was completely taken back! I felt like the Lord was telling me that His truth and promises never fade. He IS faithful to what He says! I took that picture with my phone and looked it for a moment. When I looked up the rainbow had vanished! I felt saddened by this until I heard the Lord speak to me. Even though the 'symbol' of His promises are not always seen, I can still take Him at His word. That is why we believe! Especially when we can't see.

This past week, I have had to re-evaluate my life and the decisions I have made. I have been so upset with not measuring up that I have blocked people out and even just turned myself off. Facing the reality of who I was and how I couldn't fix it, has been to much. I love Jesus so much and know He loves me, but my frustration at who I am really was overwhelming. I keep forgetting He promises to fix me and that I would never be able to do it on my own. I just need to be willing.

I always seem to do this - I do so well but then I hit a mountain, close down for a while and then realize He can fix it. I really am just stupid at times.

Present:
I have messed up quite a bit the last couple of months.
There are issues in my life that I thought I dealt with that have come back to haunt me.
I can not curb these problems on my own. I have been living and giving into my flesh.
Some of these issues have steamed from things that have happened in my past.
Sometimes I shut down when the problems seem to massive.

What the facts are:
He's just waiting for me to repent and I have. His love covers everything.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. Song of Solomon 8:6-7

If He caused the issues to be in my life in the first place - He can heal me.

Jesus crucified His flesh and can help me "die".
If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2

"Our feelings do not affect God's facts. They may blow up, like clouds, and cover the eternal things that we do most truly believe. We may not see the shining of the promises-but they still shine! [His strength] is not for one moment less because of our human weakness." -Amy Carmichael

Stepmom

2008-07-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

In my latest line of work, I get to meet some of the most interesting people. Since people are one of my biggest passions, this can be both good and bad.

Last night I had a table of two dad's and four 13-year-old girls. After giving them, excellent service for over an hour (I wish - but I did try hard, I left the check at the table. One of the dad's asked my name cause by then he had forgotten it.

He said he had a question and asked me where the closest place to buy beer was at. I told him any local convenient store, and he responded "Are you sure, I thought Arlington was dry." I told him I would get him someone who was an "actual" drinker. So I asked another server to answer the question.

After the other server left the dad, said "I have one more question."
I was like, "yes".
And he said," My daughter thinks you are hitting on me."
[What do you say to that????]
I promptly replied that I wasn't because my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and I am just a naturally outgoing person.
The girl looked at me and said, "Well it just seemed like you were."
Noticing my ring, she asked,"Are you married?"
I said,"No"
She said, "Don't you like my dad?"
I said,"My boyfriend can't find out." Winked and left....

I swear - I get in awkward situations all the time. But for "ho'ing" myself out - I sure got an amazing tip.

So Hollow..

2008-07-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Why is it when you have nothing left to give - everyone starts calling...

It never fails when I feel I am a goner, nothing left to give, tired beyond belief and unsure about everything - that 10 people call me crying and "lost" looking for answers. My heart breaks for them, yet I feel so inadequate.

Because the POWER comes from His love:

It's moments like these that I realize God's strength. Because when I have nothing left to give, I realize it was never about me to begin with. They just need someone to love them and listen to them. They don't need me shoved down their throats - they just need His love.

I'm in love with a Man I'm in love with a Stranger
I'm in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I'm in love with the Lamb I'm in love with the Lion
I'm in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love

If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
if I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn't leave even if a tried
I must have You I must have You

When it's been said and when it's all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

I'm living for Love - I'm desperate for Love. I am only satisfied by Him... God Himself is love. I want to live for an audience of one.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

Quirky Granny

2008-07-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Most people are bland and live out the mundane lives they have carved out for themselves. Their normalcy and decision to strive only to fit in with society keeps them from living extrodanairy lives.Occasionally, I stumble upon a person who makes my life entirely worth living, a person whose quirkiness makes me appreciate my last breath.

This past weekend, I spent most of the day straddling a tractor and raking hay on this piece of property way out in the middle of no where. The land is seemingly eerie. I can't even begin to describe how driving through the gates of this property almost takes you into another diminsion. I am not one to believe in ghosts but according to the owner of the property - there has been many a sighting. The woman inherited the property from her grandmother and said in the evenings she sees her grandmother walking the property.

There is also our neighbor who believes Big Foot exists and lives only to take a picture with the creature. That is his ultimate goal in life.

There are also people who make me wonder how we even exist.

The couple who are trying to get their sister (who is going to jail)'s baby. They live in such horrible conditions that CPS won't let them have the child. In their laziness, they won't do anything to improve their conditions and have sewage running through their property. The woman works next to a free dumping site but never takes advantage of it.

I enjoy my rare quirky finds. Like I said - these people make life worth while.

Faceless clock

2008-07-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Trying not to look at a clock
Losing track of time
Sleep is hard to come by
A regular stand off

He's waiting for her
and she just scared
Foolish really, and she knows it
But He keeps waiting

Shut down, not functioning
Won't fake a smile
She can't keep this up
He knows she'll remember

She finally stops
Realizes what she already knew
He keeps His promise
Time's no longer an issue

Harlot

2008-07-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

As I signed my name, a funny look crossed my best friend's face. Looking at him suspiciously, I asked what he was thinking. He replied, "I always thought your last name was harlot - don't get me wrong... I thought that was crazy and I know you are the farthest thing from it - but what can I say - that is what I thought."

God says, " If a husband divorces his wife and she goes from him and belongs to another man, Will he still return to her? Will not that land be completely polluted? But you are a harlot with many lovers; Yet you turn to Me," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 3:1

You said, "I'll take that harlot"
And You said, "I'll make her my bride"
You said, "I'll take that beggar"
And You said, "I'll make him a king"
You said, "I'll take that pauper"
And You said, "Come sit beside me"
You said, "I'll take those ashes"
And You said, "Beauty, Beauty for ashes"

Harlot has always seemed like such a severe word - only to be used for those who truly deserve it. But I now believe it is also a condition of the heart, and really has nothing to do with what one has done.

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
It is sweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

I know what I am, I also know who He is... And because of that - I know it will all be okay.

To be His.....

2008-07-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

A friend who has always been right there beside me in the trenches was given this and gave it to me.

you cannot force the course of nature
but you can direct yours
you cannot predict another's thoughts
but do not let it pause yours
attachment is an addiction
so acknowledge that u are addicted
and go move on
nobody said you are doomed to one feeling
and no one ever said you are unlovable
all that u are showing is a childish person
that needs to grow up once and for all
do not be afraid to leave people
do not be afraid to hurt them
instead be afraid of hurting yourself
because at the end no one's gonna be there for u
but yourself
every man will hurt you
but not all can break you
so choose the right instinct
because quotes and sayings about love
ain't necessarily true
save yourself for someone
who truly adores u
not someone who hurts u
fall for someone who believes in who u can be
not for someone who lingers on your yesterday
guts matter not blabber
you will soon fly away
just wait patiently
once shut, never open widely again
be cautious
listen to your most trusted person
and best of all do not forget to pray
because at His given time and place
someone will stay...

Bloom where you are planted.

2008-06-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to explain all the delicious sights and smells that come to mind when I think of my teenage years and those spent with my Great Grandmother. Everything was covered in glitter or smelled of roses (and in most cases - both). A sense of warmth and belonging filled every room as you lost track of time and clocks chimed every 5 minutes.

Probably if I learned anything from my Great Grandmother besides wanting to be exactly like her, I learned about making my small part of life as pleasant as I could by choosing to be happy. She had a small framed picture of this hideous orange flower surrounded by the words "Bloom where you are planted." And that is exactly what she did everyday. Despite the pain she endured, despite the anger of the teenage girl that lived with her, despite her crazy daughters and their unhappy marriages - she woke up happy, put on her lipstick, talked to the birds outside her window and kept smiling the whole day long.

Everything could be fixed with either a cup of coffee and a chat or a coat of glitter.

Who am I to mope or fret? The key to happiness runs in my blood... And tomorrow I plan on putting on lip gloss and conquering the world.

All flesh is grass, fading away.
Only You last, only You remain
All flesh is grass, fading away.

Surely man is like the flower of the field,
And life is but a vapor, at best but a vapor.

I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on

Lil' Black Thang

2008-06-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Her name was simple... How could you put a handle on something so volatile, spirited, and spontaneous. Nothing owned her - she was her own and she did things her way. And in all reality I just couldn't name her. For the first time in my life - I choked on naming a pet because she just wasn't one. The cat remained nameless instead coming only to "Lil Black Thang". Should I have seen it as the start of a trend in my life?

Today, at work we looked over the meaning of several people's names. I have known mine to be "A Father's Joy" ever since I was little, and honestly never thought it was referring to my earthly father (though he does smile at my abigailisms).

All I want is to be His joy... And yet I have been so indecisive lately, I don't know how to go about that. I guess as long as I keep searching for Him, the indecisiveness will fade, and I will be able to "give the cat a name."

Jesus, here I am your favored one
What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
I have to know...

- Misty Edwards.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

Dog and Pony Show.

2008-05-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

I long for words to pour out and my ability to dream and create to spring forth. I find myself writing more than I ever have in my life, and yet not writing at all. Seemingly gone, are the days that I am able to express my thoughts on a blank page. I find myself wondering if I have become a machine, and not a human with deep expressive thoughts. Or maybe all this writing has ruined the one thing I hold dear.

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
Thomas Mann

If I have lost my passion for writing, then I feel I am a mere visage - nothing deep, just an outer shell of what I used to be. Not being able to write, makes me feel old and useless.

Don't get me wrong - I can write articles until they come out my ears but when it comes to my own individual free thought being transformed on a page, I am utterly deficient.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my blog but I laughed when I read it.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
Robert Heinlein

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
Isabel Colegate

Words

2008-05-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I had the words to write... But that is just it - they are words. I guess desperate, needy, hopelessly and incandesently in love... Those words describe what is going through my head. I am desperate and if I am not - I pray that I soon will be. Nothing matters, everything is tainted without Him.

All my loves are secondary to this one...My heart was made to love Him. My heart craves that love. I cannot deny it.

Fear

2008-05-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

My old adversary stood looking at me with a sickly grin on his face. He knew I was broken, weary and worldly. His eyes showed no compassion - only pleasure as he carefully planned his final blow. He had been after me for a while and we had fought many times.

This was no different. Sadly, I was no different.

He had robbed me of my dignity, my hopes and happiness... And I had let him. But no more. He thought he had won. He felt surely this time he could take me down.

But as always, I remembered what it was like to be free and victorious. What it was like to have a champion who fights all my battles for me. I quickly sought Him out and with remorse begged for Him to take me back. My champion had been waiting in the wings. Waiting for me to remember Him.

Song of Solomon 8

2008-03-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

"Find me," He said. I heard it in the still of the night as clearly as if someone was in the room.

I sat up and looked around... and heard it again. My heart stirred and I knew what I was to do. I longed for Him, wanted Him, didn't feel compete without Him, yet had been too busy.

Once again I had allowed myself to get bogged down. I hadn't spent time with Him. I was in a sad state because the one thing that breathed life into me was pushed away --but no longer. Everything in me rebelled. No longer would I push Him away. My very bones cried out for Him just as He cried out for me.

So stupid because there is NOTHING more important to me than Him. Where had my priorities gone? Nothing more important then hearing His voice. How had I forgotten the very thing that I live for. How fickle I am.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I will set you as a seal upon my heart,
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters can not quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart

All consuming fire your my hearts desire

There is nothing more that I want to do then be His. I want to waste my life for Him.

I will waste my life
I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me just to find i am at your feet
Let me find I'm your feet

I'll leave my father's house and
I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known
and I'll have no other

For I am in Love with You
There is no cost
I am in Love with you
There is no loss
I am in love with you
I want to take your name
I am in love with you
I want to take your name
I am in love with you
I want to cling to you, Jesus
Just let me cling to you, Jesus

- Misty Edwards....

Bring on the Sun

2008-02-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

What a beatiful day! This is my favorite time of year, when the weather flirts with summer. Lately, they haven't made the decision to go steady because of committment issues, but I am coaxing them to get back together.In the past they have had some problems, but I know the two are perfect for each other. I am suggesting couples therapy, and I am completely content to play matchmaker.

Days like this remind me of Elizabethtown when they talk about taking some time to dance alone with one hand held high.

Match Fire

2008-02-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

Not sure why I feel like talking about this, buckle in for some gruesome analogies that make absolutely no sense.

I am sure if you know me this will be just another "Abigail" moment and you will walk off shaking your head. If you don't know me - well, I feel for you. You just wasted part of your life - reading the jumbled up thoughts of my brain.

I have in the past craved to be passionate about something - something/anything to be truly passionate over.

I have come to the conclusion that I am matchfire (compared to roaring flames or dying embers - lol) passionate about two things and bonfire passionate about one. Writing and people top out my list of burning candle-wick loves. While the raging inferno goes entirely to my Lord and Savior (okay, to be real - right now it is just a camp fire but in the past it has been a California wild fire, and it is not for lack of Him trying).

It is hard to feel anything right now except numb. Sometimes it seems, I am basically on autopilot. I never used to wish for days to go by, but now I find myself living for Thursdays - the last day of school for the week.

Phantom of the Opera soundtrack is raging through my brain as I remember what it was like to be passionate.

This week was amazing. God really took care of some things that were bothering me, and helped me turn some disasters into good. I am so grateful for everything He did.

There is not enough skipping in my life. And probably not enough "happy dances". Life is not worth living if there isn't any dancing going on.

I am excited though - because tomorrow is a new unwritten day and I have already penciled in at least one awkward dance moment.

Please turn red...

2008-02-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have come to appreciate red lights. In this fast paced world, I find often find myself in need of a moment to gain my thoughts, listen to good music, sing at the top of my lungs - and that one minute of time does all that for me. I have a hard time scheduling "me time" because everytime I do it turns into "sleep time". Red lights take care of that...

Please turn red
Another light means another minute

When this works out I'll give the cat a name.

2008-02-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

I can't really explain why I have the sudden interest in writing for my blog again. The feeling reminds me of going back to a house that someone you loved died in and walking through the rooms. It sounds stupid, I know, but luckily no one cares or will read my nostalgic moments. I mean, why should all good memories of the house be tainted just because the beloved owner no longer lives in the house. I have said before - I have to write. I don't have to be read. Most of my innermost thoughts aren't ready to be viewed by the public because I am still digging deeper into the "why". If I was to truly write down all the thoughts in my head at any given time - no one would ever be able to make sense of them - least of all me. And yet, here I am compelled to write. Compelled to keep typing. Something about seeing it in black and white always seems to unlock the unknown in me.

So here I am writing as if I was going through a haunted house. Tip toeing through the memories. Wading through the dust and spider webs. Just to remember how far I have come.

I like to think that I am improving, that what I do matters. But I look at everything going on and people in my life - and feel discouraged. I have never expected to change them, but since they constantly come to me for advice and I tell them the same thing over and over - you would think they would either leave me alone or change.

It is sad life has to be so complicated.

~A

6 - years - old

2008-02-19T19:19:00.000-08:00

He was 6-years-old.

I had a dream about him the other night. I had almost forgotten the dimples when he smiled, the squirrely grin, the chillibow haircut and the consistent problem of him not turning out his toes.

I was his assistant teacher. Nicholas was a most adorable boy in a class room filled with little ballerinas. He loved ballet. He got to play all the manly roles.

He was so little. I can still see him struggling to pick up Marrissa in the doll dance, and Marrissa was about three feet tall.

As far as we could tell, his mother seemed like a caring sensitive woman. We knew she was having problems in her marriage, but she seemed to have them all under control. I always thought she was the epitome of a rocker chick. She had long permed hair, wore no make-up, and had her right eyebrow pierced.

I will never forget the day I received the phone call. The teacher of the ballet class called me because she wanted to prepare me for questions from the students.

Nicholas was dead.

His mother had lit fire to the hall outside his bedroom, and they both died in the fire. The neighbor had heard him and tried to get him out but couldn't because there were bars on his windows. I think I remember her doing it because in her mind she was protecting him from her husband.

Things are blurry now, but one thing I know - He will always be 6, and I will always remember.

2008 the Year of the Ice cream Binge

2008-01-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

It is 2008 and I am rebelling against the whole system of New Years Resolutions. It seems such a stupid idea. If I decide on a couple then, I will ineveitably fail at something I should be doing anyways, and then spend a week moping because I am such a loser. I have decided that I really dont' have a week to spend eating ice cream out of the carton and watching "I love Lucy" reruns so i am going to choose abby-stinance (Thank you Braden) and refrain from resolving to make my life better.

On the other hand (Warning - though this next sentence sounds conveniently like a New Years Resolution. I will have you know, It is by NO means one.), I have made up my mind (hmmmm, that seems to be another phrase for "I resolve") that I plan on getting back into shape. It is completely pitiful that if a mass murderer was chasing me with a sledge hammer, I would have to lay down and look pleadingly into his eyes all the while my mind screaming, "This is the best you can do. You deserve to die."

So I do plan on getting back in shape. And I plan on eating healthier also. Not that is a resolution either, it just happens to go hand in hand with working out. One is pointless without the other.

I also vow to cut back on the OHMYGOSH's... But that is stricly for Ross' sake. I am sure he doesn't thinks I can.

Hair today gone tomorrow

2007-12-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

My last column in the TC News. I have never been good with goodbyes.

Spellbound, all I could do was stare intently at the screen.

The hair (short in the front, long in the back) had completely captured my attention. I knew the man was talking, but for a solid hour – I heard nothing.

The lights came on and my trance was broken. I spent the rest of the day trying to "look past" the hair and remember the real reason I was watching the educational biography.

I wish this was an isolated incident, but it seems like every time one of my teachers decides to play a movie, I get caught up in the "mullet moment" and can no longer remember what the movie was about.

It seems rather unfair that my education is being neglected because of 80's hairstyles. I can only hope that information being retained by my subconscious will materialize on test day.

Next semester, I will be transferring to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />University of Texas at Arlington and will probably no longer be subjected to "mullet movies". I have to say that I will probably miss that and the TC News the most.

Using this paper as a medium, I have been able to express myself, allow people to share some of my most intimate moments, and laugh at my embarrassing shenanigans (ie: blind dates, being kissed by a vampire, and a glimpse into what it is like to be 5 feet 11 inches and dating a short guy).

When I first started Texarkana College, I was a home school kid unsure at the thought of attending class with actual people. Now because of my years spent at TC, I feel prepared for the bigger classrooms and harder class load.

I have grown close to all of my professors and will miss the almost family I have at TC. They inspired me to write and encouraged me to continue my education. They even summarized the DVD's I watched so I didn't fail when I became hypnotized with the narrator's hair.

As Editor and Chief of the TC News, I am proud of my staff, and would gladly serve with them at any paper. They are an awesome group of writers. Together they form a well oiled machine that with the exception of an occasional kink is an award winning group of journalist. I know I am leaving it in good hands.

I owe my confidence and knowledge to my advisors: Jean Cotton, Charles Sinclair, and especially the advice of Tina Shelby. If it hadn't been for the awesome journalism professor's at TC, I would never have changed my major.

I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I will always look fondly back at the years I spent at TC.

Fievel Update

2007-11-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

After a lengthy courtship... Fievel proposed, only to stand me up at the alter. Apparently my taste for short has run over to mice- asFievel can travel between the threshold of our dorm room door which is less than an inch tall. My precious Fievel is lacking in self confidence and that makes him unique as most handsome guys are arrogant and conceited.

Tonight, I was sitting in bed studying my boring, mundane A&P when I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye scamper across the floor.Convenced that it was nothing, I got up to check our mouse traps only to find that Fievel had flirted with the one under DeAnna's bed. Still not sure if my precious Fievel was in the room, I got into bed only to look down to see two beedy eyes looking up at me. At that point we both scared each other and he ran out of the room. Something must have scared him in the hall because he ran right back in . So now I am waiting for him to decide to go out again so I can plug the threshold with a towel. Thus ending our engagement.

Sad, because he was so cute. At least it was real while it lasted.

I wonder if our mouse is Russian...

2007-11-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

I wonder if our mouse is Russian?

Okay, I can't hold it in any longer... Bear with the insanity.... I am forewarning you now - each new paragraph is a completely separate thought.

Today was a 100% Cotten day. It was my advisor Mrs Cotten's birthday. Thanks to the genius of Dustyn, we bought t-shirts that said 100% Cotten on the front and TC News staff on the back.

At least one of my lab partners should never be allowed to dissect a male fetal pig alone. In a slice-happy moment she as she said, "bobbed" him. Poor Wilbur - I still think of him as a man. Makes me wonder if there is underlying male problems in the group. Why the hatred? JK

Was just watching Inside Edition - there is a sugardaddyforme.com. Their line is, "We are a Sugar Daddy Matchmaking Service with the goal to bring together successful, rich men [Sugar Daddy] and attractive women who love to be pampered, spoiled and supported." Not sure how I feel about that. I mean on one hand I think it is hysterical that there are people stupid enough to participate, but on the other hand - EWWWWWW. I know people that could eventually end up on that site. SCARY! Oh, the educational experience Inside Edition provides! I can't handle all the smarts I get from TV.

My roommate and I have recently experienced some mouse problems. Anyone who knows us, knows we feed off each others cleanliness. We are almost anal about it. Anttyway, I came home last week after dog sitting for a week and a half to find mouse droppings in my bed. We have since put out sticky traps and are expecting to hear a death squeal anytime now (either from me or the mouse). I might lose every bit of my vocal cords if that fuzzy Fievel runs across my face.

College is stifling my imagination. I don't have the time to write and I HATE it. I am spending so much time writing papers and for the paper that I don't have time to express those deep dark mouse killing thoughts.

I can't remember the difference between interstitial and intrastitial for the life of me.

Now that I got all that out, I have to go study for a Anatomy and Physiology test. I feel better even though it is no where near my normal post. haha

Bashin' the Passion

2007-10-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Old column....

Recently, I learned about a growing fad in colleges nationwide. My friend told me about it, and frankly it was a little surprising not to mention disturbing.
It seems, college students around the country are now renting Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ and making fun of it. Parties are being thrown with no other purpose than to bash this film.
Even the popular television series, Gilmore Girls, recently made a reference to partaking in this growing craze.
My first thought was, “Watch out for lightening.” What on earth would posses these individuals to do something so incredibly sadistic and cruel?
Has our society become so heartless they could make fun of an innocent man being killed?
This growing fad sends an unsettling message. Its insensitivity almost rivals starving an innocent comatose woman so her husband could marry his mistress with whom he had several children.
My second thought though was the hilarity of the whole situation. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.
If they truly wanted to take a stand against The Passion of the Christ, they should not have rented it. As it stands they are watching it, and they will not be unaffected by its message.
The bible says, “ So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11. (NAS)
I hope everyone watches The Passion of the Christ. If certain individuals feel they have to make fun of it, so be it.
The movie is being watched by students who would probably never go see it under any other pretense.
“What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice, yes, and I will rejoice.” Phil 1:18
I wonder who will have the last laugh on this matter.

Peter...

2007-10-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Still another column from the TC News.

The Bible is full of the God of the universe hand-picking weak vessels to do His bidding.
Jesus’ own disciples loved Him with their whole heart and yet fell short numerous times. The worst and best of these was Peter.
Peter was impetuous, zealous, obnoxious and pushy. His actions were rarely considered acceptable for the position he held in God’s kingdom and yet God loved him despite his weakness because the motive of his heart was right.
Peter was the only disciple that walked on water. He was with Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration when Elijah and Moses appeared, and he was the first of the disciples to get the revelation that Jesus was the son of God.
Because he was the first one to understand who Jesus was, Jesus said in Matthew 16: 17-18 (NAS), “And Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Blessed are you, Simon Barjona, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church and the gates of Hades shall not overpower it.’”
Out of all the disciples of Jesus, I relate most to Peter. Like Peter, in my zealousness, I try to do things in my own strength and timing. I probably would have denied my Lord after the cock crowed the first time. I am human and just because I profess to be a Christian does not mean I am capable of doing anything right. I am constantly falling short and succumbing to stupidity. Because of my weakness, my life in the past has seemed hopeless at times.
Then I encountered Him.
I experienced a vision of His love for me and have not been the same since. He looked at me as though He was completely and hopelessly in love with me. Everything in me screamed, “Don’t look at me like that. I am unworthy and will only break Your heart.” But His gaze was unfailing.
I don’t deserve the unconditional love and forgiveness He showers me with, but that doesn’t stop Him. I still fail miserably at times and probably always will, but like Peter, I have learned that while man looks at the actions, God looks at the heart.
Thank God, for grace – undeserved, unmerited favor.

Another one bites the dust...

2007-10-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

Another column I wrote for the TC News:

I said I would never go on another one. I made my friends promise to slap me upside the head if I even considered it – and yet, here I was.
Having been on three, I feel I can confidently say going on a blind date is the bane of my existence.
I like to think of myself as being open and spontaneous but enough is enough.
I have found that typically it is not the guy's fault that the date is less then ideal. The blame lies rather in throwing two people in the same room that have never even seen a picture of each other and expecting them to survive a night together under the guise of a date. Add to that the moments leading up to the date, and you have a train wreck. Take for instance my last date:
A while back, a well-meaning, beloved friend asked me to consider going out with her best friend's son. Of course, she thought we would be perfect for each other.
I wonder, what makes everyone think that when you are single, that they know beyond a shadow of doubt the ideal match for you.
Because I live in the middle of nowhere and my house is hard to find, we decided to meet in town at 6:30. I drove into the parking lot at around 6:25 and it wasn't long before a pick-up drove up and parked next to me. The truck revved up its motor and the guy peered out at me. My first thoughts were, "Nope, not happening. I am just going to go over there and tell him my acid reflux is flaring up and I left my medicine at home."
I slowly got out of my car savoring every minute of my freedom and walked over to the truck. I quickly glanced in the back of the truck for serial killer favorites that might be detrimental to my health: knives, saws or the infamous chainsaw.
As I opened the door, the guy gave me a quick look over and then said, "Hi."
I remember thinking, "Gosh, could this get any more awkward?"
Often times when things seem to be at their most awkward, they are just heating up. Noticing the perplexed look on his face, it suddenly dawned on me that he might not be my date.
Both horrified and slightly relieved, I asked him his name only to find out that he indeed was not my date, but an innocent bystander to the demise of my last ounce of pride and dignity.
I mumbled "Nice to meet you, I am sorry but I am meeting someone and don't know a thing about him," and stumbled off to my car to hide in shame until my real date appeared.
There are no future blind dates in the works for me, but obviously, overlooking important questions such as a general description and exactly what he drives will never happen again.
Another one bites the dust…

Random Thoughts

2007-10-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have a few quick thoughts I want to get out:

Hunting without killing is also known as camping or hiking, and I hate camping. (That goes for all you crazy ghost hunters).

Dogsitting is like babysitting except the dog is more mobile.

Writing essays glorifying oneself - sucks...

Selfishness just might be an incurable disease.

I will never again doubt the power of a full moon.

As evidenced by the complete strangers that have walked up to me, I am so glad my last column for the TC News amused ya'll so.

Halloween sound tracks eerily mimick all the noises going on outside the dorms on any given night.

This goes without saying - don't use the dorm elevator.

Tall girls don't sweat the short stuff

2007-09-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

Column for the TC News:

Just so we are straight, I don’t believe that men are beneath me—they just are.
Most of my guy friends are shorter than me, but then again, I am 5’11”.
It would probably go over better if I dressed differently, but I actually have more high heels in my closet than I own socks.
When you are as tall as I am, it is physically impossible to have size 6 feet; and any size bigger looks like two pontoons sticking out from underneath my jeans.
Dating a shorter guy is also quite interesting. A friend once told me that guys are really only insecure about three things: their hair, height and I will leave the third for your imagination.
So far, I have found this statement to be true. I mean think about it – if you comment about a guy’s beer gut, typically he just shrugs it off; but if you say anything about his hair, a look of horror will cross his face as he runs to the nearest mirror. There is no greater insult than talking about “the hair”.
Shorter guys make for amusing “romantic” situations. One has to ask the question “To sit? or Not to sit?” for some of the oddest things. Taking pictures, dancing and deep, heartfelt, eye to eye conversations present monumental challenges.
There are many short attractive guys. Unfortunately, platform shoes went out in the 70’s and there is no cure for shortness. I find it ironic that there are pills for depression, “bulking” up and to lose unwanted pounds; and yet there is nothing for short-man syndrome.
It is not as if I can change the fact that I am so tall. It seems like some of these guys actually expect me to fix this problem. I can understand undergoing surgery for having a massive snout but being tall…?
I encourage all you freakishly tall girls out there to stand proud. Wear those three-inch heels. After all, really and truly, is a couple of inches going to matter? You are already towering over most of those poor boys. If you are going to stand out, you might as well be stunningly amazing in flaming hot stilettos.
And for those die-hard “I have to date a guy taller than me” girls, I suggest you move to a city with a great basketball team and practice your splits and toe touches.

IHOP

2007-09-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

Old column... once again - are you getting tired yet:

“Elijah was a man with a nature like ours and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain; and it did not rain on the land for three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its fruit.”
James 5:17-18
During the Christmas vacation, I went on a road trip to what seemed the most unlikely place for a Christian conference.
If you were to draw an “X” across the United States, the state of Kansas would be dead center. So logically, Kansas City would be the perfect place to house a conference on prayer. One Thing or Nothing was hosted by the International House of Prayer whose target audience is the so called generation “x”.
I had never heard of IHOP (yes, that is what they call it) before I was invited to go up there and was surprised as to the nature of this organization. IHOP devotes itself to 24 hours a day of prayer. It has a prayer room which at any given point of the day not only has people praying but also a worship team.
While the world sleeps, there are many people praying in the IHOP prayer room.
When I first got up there, this concept seemed foreign to me. I was a great advocate of the five to seven minute prayers. Confess my sin, ask him to fix my problem and then I was good to go for the day.
How was it even possible that people devoted hours and hours of their time to prayer? What on earth did they talk about for all that time? Was there something I was missing out on?
During the One Thing conference, I learned prayer is not just about confessing your sins or telling your problems to the Most High. It is also about meditation, intercession, praise and setting aside more than five to seven minutes to actually wait in His presence and listen to Him answer.
As much as I was willing to put in, He pours out. He longs for a relationship with me. Now, I will be honest; there are days where I pray, God speaks and it feels like heaven and earth just moved. While other days it seems like I am talking to the wind.
The key to a relationship with Jesus Christ is persistence.
I am convinced that the only reason our country hasn’t seen judgment is because of the little old women in prayer closets and places like IHOP. We aren’t ready, the church isn’t ready.
I am of the firm belief that Christians can be divided into two groups—those who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and those who don’t.
Most people will try to divide Christians into groups such as Baptist, Methodist, Catholics, Presbyterian, and Non-Denominational but in reality, there are only two groups.
In the end, when I stand before my God will I say to him, “ Hello, remember me… I’m Abigail, I go to that non-denominational church down the street.” No, He will know me and I will know Him because I have spent time with Him.

The accident

2007-08-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is a letter to the editor and column that I plan to publish.

When I close my eyes, I still see the scene just as it was that night.

The sixteen year old arm that was as skinny as mine – hanging out of a barely recognizable SUV.

When my parents arrived home deliriously tired around 12:15 a.m. from a business trip, their first question was “How recent was the car wreck down the road?” Replying that it had to have been in the last couple of hours – my dad, brother, and I all piled into the truck to check the damage.

When we arrived on the scene, I didn’t expect survivors. As we drove up, I first thought we were dealing with a pick-up truck. After checking the front seat and the passenger seat – I was relieved to find no bodies. That relief was short lived.

As I shined a flash light around the back of the car, I saw an arm sticking out. My father immediately called 911.

My brother had gone up the road to turn around, and he returned with the SUV’S driver. I spent my time trying to figure out who he was and how many people were involved. Alcohol permeated the air.

By the time I extracted the information from the victim, my brother had found the third person. In shock, this man couldn’t be reasoned with and kept asking “What happened?” I tried to explain to him that I needed him to stay seated until the police arrived but he broke free from me and ran into the woods. Mumbling, “I just need to know what happened”.

I went back to the driver and continued my conversation. He became rather upset I tried to comfort him, and keep him talking. I asked him if he knew Jesus. When he replied he did and moaned about the boy, I told him to pray. He kept saying over and over that he couldn’t think. Everything was muddled.

About this time the paramedics arrived, their quick response amazed me as we live out in the middle of no where.

I spent the rest of the night listening to the Jaws of Life and four- wheelers chasing up and down the road in search of the third man.

Red River County might be dry but it has a serious problem. I can’t tell you how many stories I hear from my friends of a drunk driver affecting their lives and in the same breath talking about the next party they plan on attending.

Nobody is safe from the far reaching affects of drunk driving. It can happen to anyone. Life is short…

In this situation, I think we are all victims -the driver, the family, my family and the paramedics to something that is senseless and should never have happened. How many more innocent lives are never going to get the chance to grow old before we change…

Mozart

2007-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am so ready for my parents to come home and deal with their children.

Last night my brother came into my room with a deranged look, every rather long hair on his head standing on end. Spouting off that he was going to be a composer.

His exact words where, "One time inspiration hit and I spent 9 hours straight composing. I didn't even get up to go the the bathroom choosing instead to urinate all over myself."

Needless to say - I no longer think he is feeling sick...

Meanwhile, my sister was singing at the top of her lungs songs from the Phantom of the Opera.

In sleep he sang to me.
In dreams he came.

Thank goodness, this is the last day. I wasn't all that sane before my parents left - Now I am border-line ready to committed.

What raging fire shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks it's door

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime....

I myself, can't wait for their return...

I found this quote and agree with it whole-heartedly.

"My crazy isn't contagious- it is just increasingly difficult to contain."

The disaster

2007-08-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Fine, so now I am 2 for 10. I suppose this is the part of my blog that I reveal to the world what an utter disaster I made out of supper. Might as well get it over with early. I had lofty plans for lunch today. I was going to cook something I had watched my mom do a million times but had never done myself. Sounds easy enough?

Not so much.

The only thing that made it worse was the look my brother gave me. I am sure by now his boss thinks I am trying to poison the child. But enough about that. I admitted it didn't I? I mean I don't plan on dwelling on the fact that I wasn't able to prove I was a good cook.

Tomorrow, my parents return and order will be restored to the house. No more staying up until 3 o'clock in the morning, watching re-runs of every show known to man, bathing the dog with mom's good shampoo, and drinking all her good coffee.....

NO SIRREE--- there will be structure.

Rinse and Repeat

2007-08-16T12:27:00.003-07:00

It is amazing how much of my "quality" thinking is done in the shower. Seems like every true epiphany that I experience happens somewhere in between applying the conditioning revitalizer and shaving my legs. Truly I can't think of any other place that causes me to come up with solutions to all the worlds problems - as well as my own. Craziness.

As I afore mentioned in my JOSEY WHALES blog (sorry, to those that took offense to my misspelled title). I am taking care of the farm and all who dwell within. Because of this added responsibility, I have suffered various injuries - the worst being to my pride. My dearest pain in the butt brother happened to have the makings of strep throat. (NO, I AM NOT SURE THAT IS HOW IT IS SPELLED). And I was sick of being screamed at (he isn't normally like that but apparently the pain was to intense. pshaw WHATEVER. Finally after putting up with all I could handle I told him to heck with it - we are going to a doctor. I called my mom in Rome and asked her where I should go and then made the necessary arrangements.

Okay, so keep up with me, that part was the boring part but we are about to get to the Abigail being offended to the very core of her Southern Woman Pride.

As we where driving home from the doctor (keep in mind the whole time he was sick- I took care of him, did his chores as well as mine, and cooked him wonderful meals), his boss texts him. One of the days he was at work, I decided to experiment with a vegetable stew. It would have been really wonderful except I went a little excessive and there was one more ingredient in there than I would have liked. Still - all in all... It was decent and my sister apparently liked it because she ate several bowls. But needless to say his boss texts him.... And says.

"I am glad the doctor doesn't think it was serious. You should get your sister to make you a bowl of that favorite soup of yours;)"

He didn't mention to his boss that I had made him steak the night, or his favorite meal the night before that .... NO, He had to tell his boss that I made a soup that sucked.

As soon as I get my camera back I plan on posting some of the happinings that took place while I had the reigns.

~A

The outlaw

2007-08-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

I refuse to watch to watch the Outlaw Josie Wells one more time. This is what my life has come to... Currently, I am managing two households, 16 cows, two siblings, 8 dogs, one cat, buying shirts for my grandmother, and taking care of my grandfather.

My parents are out of the country and I am stuck in Red River County until their return. My grandmother is in rehab, my mom in Rome, and my dad is in Pakistan.

Okay, so let me try to explain this in a way that sounds semi-understandable. My dad is a engineer and has created a controller for the people he worked with. Pakistan bought it but instead of sending someone to figure out how to work it my dad has to go over there. The catch is my dad doesn't travel without my mother. And she won't wear a berka (sp). So my mom is waiting for him in Rome while touring the city. (Yes, it is hard to forgive my mother for leaving me here but that is what therapy and getting a new passport is for).

My grandmother is in rehab (not for getting over an addiction but for the broken shoulder and foot she too stubbornly won't allow to get well). My grandfather can't do anything on his own so I have been cooking supper for him as well. My grandfather doesn't know a better western than Outlaw Josie Wells and that is all he wants to watch. I have never really had a chance to interact with my grandfather as my grandmother has always interrupted our conversation and so I am learning a lot.

My brother is in the hay business and unfortunately, isn't allowed to drive while my parents are out of town so that means I get to be the lucky person to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to make sure he gets off. But heck, he is paying me so - I can't complain to much (So I saw an opportunity and took it - sue me)

And then there is the baby, my mom's dog who has to have better treatment then her children. I am supposed to watch him and coddle him, and bath him - often. Sadly enough my mom has been trying for weeks to teach him how to roll and last night (when she wasn't there) he rolled twice. I doubt he will do it again, I get the distinct impression he doesn't want to be a trick dog.
All that being said and really and truly no sarcasm involved this week hasn't been all that bad. Crazy, but not bad. And tommorow we are having steak (haha, my mom is always trying to get me to cook and once told me she didn't believe I could [She was just trying to rile me into doing it. I have been cooking since I was eight and can cook everything she can just as good as she can] but I have to say we have been eating like royalty since she has been gone)

Wish me well (I haven't thought about that in forever despite the fact I still wear my watch) ,

Abigail

History Repeating

2007-08-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I now have enough material for my sequel "Porn 2"... (Ross eat your heart out - this one is all about personal experience so DUH it will be biased).

As I have mentioned before, I work at a library and see lots of different people from all walks of life. Nothing prepared me though for what happened the other day. This kind older (60ish) man walked into the library and asked if he could use the internet. He mentioned that he wasn't internet savvy and probably would need some help. Since we have people come in all the time to set up their "My circle" phones that are internet illiterate I really didn't think anything of it and when he asked again - I walked over there to help him.

I noticed as I started to get on the internet he was stammered and his face was blushing RED FLAG!!!! He started off talking about how this was rather embarrassing but he had just met a lady friend. RED FLAG!!!! And he was wondering if I could look up a 1980 playmate. Apparently this new lady in his life had told him that he could look her up on the internet and check out former pictures of her. I just looked at him and kindly said "Ummm NO!!!" "That would be porn". He looked shocked and said "really". And his face turned brighter red. I said "Absolutely".

He milled around the library for a little while longer and then as he was walking out the door looked at me and said "I'm not like that- I didn't know."

I have been asked several times if I thought this man was genuine. I haven't the slightest idea nor do I care.All I do know is - if I posed for playboy i think I would have a spare copy lying around (just a thought). Also if I was going to look up porn I probably would figure out how to do it by myself or at least in the comfort of my own home. AND NEVER EVER would I ask a librarian (much less a girl) to assist me. It was a rather awkward moment for me but what can I say - it isn't the first or the last time (I'm sure) that porn will single me out; )

I despise...

2007-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason I feel compelled to write a list of things I hate.

1) people that say they care and then prove by their actions that they don't.

2) awkward silences

3) ladders

4) lousy pick up lines

5)snakes, spiders and grasshoppers

6) blow drying my hair

7) the smell of smoke

8) obnoxious slutty people

9) losing my voice

10) umbrellas

La neige au Sahara

2007-08-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Dis-moi simplement si tu veux de moi
Quand tu partiras là-bas
Vers ces dunes sèches de sable et de vent
Cet océan jaune et blanc

Perdu dans le désert
Tu es perdu dans le désert

Montre-moi ma place sur ces pierres flammes
Pour que j'oublie les jours d'avant
Pour que je protège ton corps et ton âme
Des mirages que tu attends

Perdu dans le désert

Si la poussière emporte tes rêves de lumière
Je serai ta lune, ton repère
Et si le soleil nous brûle, je prierai qui tu voudras
Pour que tombe la neige au Sahara

Si le désert est le seul remède à tes doutes
Femme de sel, je serai ta route
Et si la soif nous brûle, je prierai tant qu'il faudra
Pour que tombe la neige au Sahara

Dis-moi si je peux couvrir tes épaules
De voiles d'or et d'argent
Quand la nuit fera tourner la boussole
Vers les regrets froids des amants

Perdu dans le désert

Si la poussière emporte tes rêves de lumière
Je serai ta lune, ton repère
Et si le soleil nous brûle, je prierai qui tu voudras
Pour que tombe la neige au Sahara

Si le désert est le seul remède à tes doutes
Femme de sel, je serai ta route
Et si la soif nous brûle, je prierai tant qu'il faudra
Pour que tombe la

The Fight is On

2007-07-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am so weary. I haven't given in an inch but I haven't gained any ground either. I have been harassed and weakened. My strong foundation which has held for 6 months is now starting to feel the flames. Little things are slipping in between the cracks and causing rifts. Fear is slowly creeping in.... What if????

As tired as I am, there is still a spark of life in me. I am emotionally strained and yet there is that part of me that won't give in. I can't give in, I can't admit defeat. Is it God?? Or am I just being stubborn?? I am not fighting against God - just my circumstances. I am in a Godless place and I have the choice of either removing myself or staying and fighting. I know the truth. I have been tested and tried and I know the high path.

When it comes down to it - it is just God, me and the harassers. And yet, it doesn't have to be that way. They have to flee....

WAGING WAR
by Shane Barnard

It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace

To see the Lord, the promise land
Where in sins pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl now sand
That blows away in light of Him

When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit

That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over

“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…” (Phil 3:7-8)
Help Lord!

An Abigail Story

2007-07-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

I ran across this in my baby journal. I laughed hard, so bear with me. My grandmother wrote this.

On Sunday, March 1,1992, Abigail went to church with her Mom and Dad in Arlington, Texas.

When the offering was being taken, one of the elders said that maybe one of the youth of the church would like to say a prayer for the offering. He asked for someone to raise their hand. -

Shannan, Abigail's mother, looked over at the section of the church where most of the young people were sitting...about that time, she heard the elder say, "Abigail, would you come up and say the prayer." Shannan looked at her five-year old daughter who was sitting with her hand raised. Abigail's father (Doug) said "Okay Abigail -go on up there; you put your hand up."

Abigail went to the front of the church ("flying" in her usual manner; Shannan hasn't been able to make her walk in church). Shannan sat there sort of in a state of shock, not knowing what this child would say -- in her nightly prayers, she is always asking God to "help Mommie be a better Mommie, and Daddy to be a better Daddy, and other things.." Shannan said she couldn't look-- just kept her head bowed the whole time.

Abigail spoke into the microphone: "God (she never says Heavenly Father - but always calls God 'God'"... I just speak a blessing over this offering today; and Lord, I just want you to help the people who don't have any money. And, Lord, help them to get some money. Amen." And after that came back and sat down with her parents.

A few days later, the Elder called Abigail to thank her and (from the conversation overheard by Shannan) must have asked her how she knew what to say. Abigail replied, "God told me what to say."

Now if that isn't typical Abigail I don't know what is.

Unconditional

2007-07-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

There He was..... leaning against a wall. Never before had I described a guy as beautiful - but He was. Everything about Him seemed perfect.

I had just walked into a room filled with people. Noticing His gaze, I was captivated. I couldn't help but constantly sneak a look at Him. Oddly enough, He seemed to be watching me. He never took His eyes off of me. I felt curious, not creeped out. There was something about His eyes I couldn't quite understand.

I looked again, and it dawned on me. He was in love. Shocked, I drew back. Surely not, but as I looked again, I knew it was true. He was in love with me. I barely knew Him and yet.... The look in His eyes potrayed a man that was completely and hopelessly in love. All this passion was focused on me alone. The room went silent and He and I where the only two people.

I have never been perfect and yet even though He knew this - He still loved me. I was human and would fail Him once a day and twice on Sunday and He DIDN'T CARE...

I knew in my heart this person would die for me - because He had already....

Dual Identities

2007-06-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

This summer my life has taken on dual identities (neither of which, I have ever considered myself before). Each side of the coin is as different as night and day...

During the day, I am a librarian: Hair pulled tightly back in a bun, glasses perfectly perched, dressed to a "t" in a tight slitty skirt (slitty - not to be confused with slutty), wearing a look that would "sh" the most rowdy of children. (haha, I love exageration). I find this job to be quite different from anything I have ever attempted. Just this week, I found myself checking out people reading books with a paper parrot perched on my shoulder. Later on I was cutting out skulls and crossbones and trying to explain that "Yes, my grandparents live in town. No, Steven is not my father."(The summer reading program is all about pirates and working in the small town that your grandparents live in - leads to many questions.)...

At night, I am the complete opposite: the hair comes down and is wind tossed wild, I put on a worn out pair of jeans and a tube top, and do things like mudding, raking hay, chilling, hanging out, and the occasional rodeo. I've played hard and worked harder. I have even been watching PBR with my brother and can tell you my favorite bulls. Yes, this is indeed a strange life for me.

In other news, I made a 63 off a word in scrabble - my highest score yet; ) haha...

For some reason, I think I have enjoyed this summer more than I have in quite a while.

~A

* Some of this blog might be considered "exaggerated".

Are you going to run away?

2007-06-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I guess I have never thought of you as being a coward.

And yet… You are running away. You know the truth, and you would rather choose the miserable life you have then choose Him. You will NEVER be happy. The things of this world will NEVER satisfy you. You have been marked – better for you that you never said the sinners’ prayer, because in doing so you gave him your life to do what He wills. He will NOT leave you alone. It will only get worse (He will do whatever it takes to get you in the place he wants you). SURRENDER…

Don’t Walk Away
And when I look into your eyes, I see the hurt and the confusion. The pain as it rolls down your face. And the questions in your mind And I know, 'cause I've been there Yes, I know, 'cause I've been there, time and time again And don't you walk, don't you walk away'Cause He will never desert you. He'll never let you down. Don't walk away from Him, no, no, no, no, no You're always telling me that you don't need to change. That you're fine with who you are. When I look at you, I see you filling your life with all that you can findHoping and wishing this world can bring you. A little peace of mind. Well, stop looking, 'cause He's right in front of your eyes'Cause He will never give up on you today. No, don't walk away'Cause He'll NEVER let you goNo, no, no, no Don't walk awayDon't walk away'Cause He'll never let you go todayDon't walk away from Him

~Shawn McDonald

“Why is everyone saying it is not the right time for rebuilding my temple,” asks the Lord. “Is it then the right time for you to live in luxurious homes, when the Temple lies in ruins? Look at the result:”

“You have sown much and bring in little;
You eat, but so not have enough;
You drink, but you are not filled;
You clothe yourselves but no one is warm;
And your income disappears as if you where putting it in a pocket full of holes.”

“Think it over,” says the Lord. “Consider how you have acted and what has happened as a result. Then go up into the mountains and bring down timber, and rebuild my temple, and I will be pleased with it and appear there in my glory. You hope for much and get so little. And when you bring it home, I blow it away – it doesn’t last at all. Why? Because my Temple lies in ruins and you don’t care. Your only concern is your own fine homes. That is why I am holding back….. and everything you have worked so hard to get is ruined.”

Haggai 1:2-11

Come Higher

Everything you see- you can have

Come Higher

It is all within your grasp

Come Higher

Fame and Fortune

Come Higher

The choice is yours

Come Higher

Just don't be deceived

Come Higher

Know exactly what you are getting yourself into

Come Higher

When I say you can have it all - I mean ALL

Come Higher

Divorce, Bankruptcy, No Peace, Torment, Despair,

Come Higher

Life is full of choices

Come Higher

You can chose everything and wind up with a mediocre life at best

Come Higher

Or you can surrender, come higher, and find life

rocks won't cry
by shane barnard

i bow down, tonight i know
the rocks won't cry, the rocks won't cry
they'll be alright, they'll be alright
because i cry!

***If you think that this blog is written about you – please believe me it isn’t. Any resemblance to a person is purely coincidental. In fact, it is something I just went through and dealt with.
Your so Vain You probably think this blog is about you

Jealous Boyfriend

2007-05-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

For some reason "creepy" wears a mask and follows me. Yesturday, I was dropping off some movies and doing an errand for a little old lady (whom I had never met before) when this around 60 year old gentleman came up to me and asked me if I was going to the lake (okay, I will admit - I have seen hookers dressed better than I was. I was planning on helping my parents that day and so was wearing next to nothing... It was a sad sight and not one I aim to ever repeat).

After explaining to him that I planned to help my parents he asked me if I had a job and if I would be willing to work for him. He wanted me to "sit" for his mother who was about to be released from the hospital.

I had a couple more errands to run and so I handed him my cell phone number and left (after all it seemed strange and almost divine that - I needed a job and someone would walk right up to me and offer me one... Keep in mind though that no one should have even thought about hiring me with what I was wearing).

A little while later he called and started asking me questions - they seemed the normal run of the mill questions until he asked me if I had a jealous boyfriend (Pray tell, if any of you can explain that reasonably - please do). What does that have to do with sitting for your mother????????

Needless to say - I shall not be taking that job.
~A

Noxious

2007-05-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Things I have learned (or re-learned) thus far this year:

1) The heart has it's reasons which reason knows nothing of.

2) I understand the Phantom of the Opera and Sense and Sensability that much more.

3)When traveling - the less I know the better (aka- accountability sucks)

4) The definition of hypothermia is better learnt from a book

5) Blood tastes nasty

6)The only way to deal with pompousness is to give it a stout kick in the behind.

7) The term "friend" is apparently often misused

8)Chillbumps and mosquitoes don't co-exist

9) No more props for Abby

10) Stupidity can always be one-upped

11) On "Jonah" days it is best to keep to one's bed

12)White skirts and colorful undies do not go together... Unless one plans on REALLY making a statement.

13) Ice Cream still fixes everything

14) Sleep is essential for survival (who would have known?)

15) Wierd things happen on a 24 hour road-trip. Wierd unspeakable things. (I just might need counseling )

16) Boys are noxious

17) Soft hands are a commodity - and not to be taken lightly... Even when drunk, one should appreciate them. (Let me clarify that I wasn't the drunk one)

18) There really are people that use stupid pick-up-lines.

19) Ultimate is fun... ; )

20) Human Being and Human Doing are two different things.

Swimmers Beware

2007-05-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

It is official - I hate swimming. I don't dislike being in the water or even treading water, but I absolutely hate swimming laps.

Last weekend I had to renew my lifeguard cert. And instead of letting me take the challenge like they normally do, they made me go through the entire course (because supposedly they changed everything). Including the pretest - in which I had to swim many laps. This wouldn't be so hard except I haven't excercised in forever and have spent the last couple of semesters behind a desk. Yes, I have gained weight - over 10 pounds and gaining (Speaking of which I probably need to cut back on the ice cream *mental note*).

I am sorry but it takes a certain kind of person to be a lifeguard and for some reason I don't understand why... I seem to end up being one of the very few brunettes (almost the only one) and acquire my tan naturally enrolled. It is strange spending a couple of days with these such girls. A very enlightening experience indeed! Getting hit on by 16 year olds is also a "fun" experience that I haven't had in a while.

I spent 5 days in a row being tortured in this renewal of my certificate. On Saturday and Sunday I was there from 8 to 8. I am burned to a crisp and quite tired of water.

The rest of my week has been filled with such frivolities as cleaning my room and car and cooking dinner for the fam. Can't wait till work starts.

~Abigail

Gracie

2007-05-17T02:55:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in a far off place, my mom used to have a cat named Gracie. Gracie was a wonderful, beautiful, amazing cat - except for the fact that she was always up in other people's bizness(inside joke). Gracie was a firm believer in cleaning everyone else's butt, but when it came to her own it was sadly left neglected. Thus making the holding experince of Gracie less than pleasant.

My point to this narrative is I have known how to wipe my butt since I was little... I appreciate the concern. Don't get me wrong - constructive critisicm is acceptable but trying to run my life - as always, will not work.

Spring Fling

2007-04-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

I just read Sherri's to-do list and because it seemed like a good idea (and because I had one last year) here it is:

1) Don the Bikini and get in some quality tanning time (check)

2) Run through a stranger's sprinklers without being shot.

3) Read a book (In the process, check)

4) Eat watermellon until I puke

5) Take a walk in the rain (check)

6) Go muddin'

7) Teach at least half of my "children" how to grow up (in the process, check)

9) Get back in shape

10) Have Jonathan Rhys Meyer's love child *it will be a stretch but one can always try*

11) Go canoeing.

12) One time and one time only - do something I am told...

13) Stop hitting people with cars...

14) Down-grade from hooker shoes to hoe heels.

15) Beat the devil in a fiddling contest....

~I have to say 13, 15 and 14 were contributed by Ross....

I realize that this an awfully lot to accomplish but I do have all spring.

The storm

2007-04-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

The waves crashed around her, dragging her into the depths. Salt water stole her very breath. Fighting the waves accomplished nothing and only left her tired. Treading water she fought to keep herself afloat.

The tide ebbed and out of nowhere a man emerged from the wave. Panicked he reached for something tangible and grabbed hold of her. Down they went into the pitch black water. No longer able to keep herself from drowning- she gave up. She couldn't carry her weight and his too. Unless outside forces intervened it was over.

Intervention came...

Stop

2007-04-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ironic- Dramatic irony lies in the audience's deeper perceptions of a coming fate, which contrast with a character's lack of knowledge about said fate.

I have learned how pointless it is to plan the future. My fate is not my own. It is a strange feeling wandering through life with no grasp of what might happen. Anytime I have tried to plan, something always changed. Not having hold of the reigns is both scary and peaceful all at the same time. Truly though, my life is not unlike anyone elses. I just realize I have no control whereas some still think they do. I can't control when I die, when my hair will turn gray, or any circumstance that surrounds me.

I look back, and realize not only how blessed I have been but how my life has been enhanced by situations most people would consider amiss. I wish a couple of things could be different but I don't regret what happened.

On another note, if you are going to act stupid would you stop doing it around me. It must be something in the air that is driving normal people to act like complete.... .

Also, I am no longer going to be a doat herder *smirk* haha - so write it down in your calenders. As of March 20, 2007, Abigail refuses that postion. It is very unbecoming for a lady (yes, occasionally I feel I must act as such. Pointless really, because being and acting are two different things).

I will be leaving for San Antonio in the morning - wish me luck... Love you......
~Abigail

It felt so real but it was just a dream

I hate what these lies have come to mean

Well I try to carry the load

Didn't want you to know

I'm pulled to the side of the road
Please turn red

Another light means another minute

Want vs Need

2007-04-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

The choice of "want" versus "need" always seems to be the hardest. To be honest, I am extremely independent and yet....

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I was stronger, more careful, less honest with myself... But in reality, I know what my downfall is and though it hurts I avoid it.

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

-Relient K

And it was all yellow....

2007-04-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

Last night, I attended my cousin's wedding. They are such an amazingly perfect couple that is is almost borderline pathetic. (Not really, but it does have a single girl thinking ).

I was surprised as to what my thoughts where when I thought of one day having my own wedding. Needless to say - THAT WILL NEVER WORK (Not the wedding part - just the thoughts part).

I did however have a great time...

~A

Stars over Texas

2007-03-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have learned that being myself only causes - well... more Abigail moments. After being called "crazy" at least 25 times today I have decided to make something clear... YES, I KNOW I AM CRAZY... Heck, it is the only way I will have it. Put up or shut up....

Today, was an interesting day. Even now, I find myself contemplating the force of events jam-packed into this day.

There is a little trick in journalism, if you are going to ask a question which you want a detailed answer, you give the poor person in the hot seat time to think.

~Abigail

Random thoughts:

1) I was asked, today, if I wanted to smoke a joint (I thought people knew me better than that. Obviously not.)

2)One of my teacher came unglued in class... I have been her student for 1 1/2 semesters and I have never seen that particular side of her.

3)I had a lovely lunch...

4) In the last issue of the TC News it looks like I disowned my own article by "hiding" my name.

5)I learned "hating umbrellas" is going to put me at a disadvantage in life.

6) I, Abigail, who loves kids (at a distance) has made a colossal mistake. To prove a point, I volunteered to help a friend at church with the 1-5th graders. I am convinced more people should lock their kids in closets. Too bad it is illegal (JUST KIDDING).

7) I am not easily controlled but I am easily dared...

8)Apparently, my phone is girly... Who would have thought?

9) Also a crazy thing, despite popular belief - I am female...

10)I am getting my hair cut soon and it will be glorious. Right now it is driving me freakin insane.

ITP

2007-03-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out my files on my computer and I found this old article I wrote for the TC News in the spring of 2005. Seeing as Easter is right around the corner, I thought it was appropriate:

From the time I was born, God has had His hand on my life. I was born with an incurable and potentially fatal blood disease called Idiopathic Trombocytopenic Purpura, a.k.a. ITP. My body could not make enough platelets (cells in the blood that help the blood clot).

When I was two months old my parents started noticing that every time they touched me a bruise would appear. The children's hospital where I went for treatment told my mother that I was the youngest person they had ever seen with ITP. A normal platelet count is around 250 thousand. Mine hovered at around 14 thousand.

My distressed mother went home and prayed. She distinctly heard God say, "She will be healed". My mother clung to that word for seven months during every kind of test and problem. At one point my white blood cell count started showing signs of abnormality as well.

When I was nine months old the doctors told my mother that if my platelet count ever dropped below 10 thousand, they where going to have to put me on steroids. Because the first year is the most crucial year of a baby's development, the doctors wanted to avoid this at all costs.

At church one night a lady came up to my mom, laid her hands on me, and prayed a simple prayer of healing. A couple of days later, when my mom went back to the doctor, he came into the waiting room scratching his head. My platelet count was 300 thousand and my white blood cell count was normal.

I have been completely healed to this day.

God has done a lot for me. He is constantly working miracles in my life. Lately He has been dealing with me about the power of prayer. Most of the time, I send up a prayer and wonder if He really checks His messages or not, then later the problem has either been solved or He gives me the knowledge of how to fix it.

God has recently had me praying for miracles. I have been praying everyday for the salvation of several of my friends and for two people who have been diagnosed with incurable illnesses to be completely healed.

Jesus literally died so he could have a relationship with you. He wants to save your friends as much as you want them to be saved. Hell is real and there are people you know going there.
This Easter season, I encourage you to pray and ask for miracles. God is a God of the impossible as demonstrated in my life and the many people of faith portrayed in the Bible. God is no respecter of persons, what he does for one he will do for all. Fight for those you love, don't let them be swallowed up by darkness. The battle can only be won on your knees.

~Abigail

Dang, I was young when I wrote this.... haha.. I still believe everthing I said - now I just happen to know a lot more that goes with it. God still is the God of miracles. And believe me, I haven't been praying day and night for years not to see some changes.

PS:
To all the people that surround me:

I love you guys. Ya'll are all wonderful and I daily keep you in my prayers. I just hope that my shortcomings haven't hurt you in any way. I don't claim to be perfect and so if that is how I come off as trying to rub in your face - I am sorry. When it comes down to it that isn't what I am about.

~A

Valentine Special

2007-02-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

My mom told me this hilarious story so I thought I would take a few seconds to jot it down. This post will lack my usual long windedness, but if you are too disappointed I will write a longer one later on an equally fascinating subject.

Today my mom took our dog, Gracie, to have "girl" surgery. Gracie is a stray mutt that wandered up to our house and wouldn't leave. She is a relatively young and annoying( the fact that she is annoying has nothing to do with the story and is the personal opinion of the writer. I thought I would throw it in for background purposes) dog. -Being a firm Ed McMan supporter.*snicker* Yeah right. - We decided there would be no ugly puppies running around for Gracie.

Today they had a Valentine Special going on at the vet, and my mom dropped her off. Later today when she picked her up she noticed that the dog looked like it had been filayed open. The vet told her they had to do "exploratory surgery" because they couldn't find any ovaries.

Furthermore, they said that not only that, but she actually used to have them! She had been spayed before. Which is kinda funny because she didn't even have a scar!!!!

I am convinced this kind of thing only happens to the Howletts. I would say pray for her because she has a long row to hoe, but she really is obnoxious, and I am sorry, but I do not like her.

I know it seems cruel, but it is kind of a permanent initiation into the Howlett mutinent pet club. Now we have a alien dog to go with the retard dog , bed wetter dog, and the three amazingly obese dogs.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted that the old Abigail is back. To update that, she is still going strong, and as they say up here she has learned to, "Put her big girl panties on and get over it." I love ya'll.

-Abigail

The Cynical Single

2007-02-11T23:12:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness February is a short month. I don't think I could handle the dark, cold, nasty weather for much longer than 28 days. The whole "Valentine" thing is not much of a saving grace for this month. I think someone just decided -Well this month is so horrible, lets throw in a holiday. It is just one crappy month, especially up here. But don't get me wrong - Chocolate fixes everything.

Yesterday was Leticia's birthday. She turned ____. I like living ,so 25. Yea, she turned 25. She received little gifts all throughout the day- flowers, cookies, cake, and a book.

I spent some time this week at the Minnesota DMV. I have decided that if I wasn't going to ever come home that convinced me - I do not want a Minnesota Driver's License. They actually have to take a drivers test.. I was sitting in the waiting room with the "parents" of the poor teens about to take the driving test, while Leticia was taking her written test (that was the only test she had to take seeing as she already had a Nebraska license). The mothers were going hysteric."Mary is sooo nervous", "Susy has never backed up at an 90 degree angle", "John has never driven a truck before, I know he is nervous. He will never make it" ,and my personal favorite a husband was watching his wife taking the drivers test and as she backed into the flag said "Oh man, she's toast." If that isn't support - I don't know what is..

My back is out, so me and the heating pad are becoming fast friends. I am looking forward to tomorrow when my "family" gets back. They have been gone for a week and I miss them. The place is awfully quiet without them. Yes, I do talk to myself, but it is not the same. I tried to answer back but that just felt stupid. hehehe. Me crazy? AS IF.

No church for me tomorrow either. I do not have the guts to go to their church without them. My mom told me to go find a black church, but I don't think they exist around here. After all only 2 percent of Minnesota is not white. If I could find one though, I would be there in a heartbeat. I am almost convinced that God does not live in Minnesota, and I am more than happy to be proven wrong any way I can. All I know is that I have decided if he lives in me - that is enough.

Though you can't tell in this picture. My nails are really long and pretty and I am really proud of them. So there!

This is my office before I cleaned it. Sorry the pictures are so bad, so get over it. I am planning on taking another picture soon.

This requires no comment. It is just plain funny/stupid. I am talking to Elizabeth, comfortably wearing my Jan Kay Hat. (I never feel quite as relaxed as I do when I am wearing it)

-Abigail

Quote of the Day:

"I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience"

- Shakespeare

PS because hardly anyone commented on my last post, my only thoughts are that PETA has been called.

Lev. 13-14 Mat. 13-14

Insanity

2007-01-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

--> -->As insane as I sound through writing. I know that if I didn't write I WOULD be insane. It is one of the things that clears my system.

I typically don't write about unpleasant things but still it seems to soothe me. I hate being confused and somehow seeing something I created on paper makes all my thoughts flow together as they should. It is just as natural as talking to me. I have to talk and express myself. For after getting it out in the open -- it all finally makes sense. Or not....

Obviously(poor you) you caught me in a contemplative state. I am trying to sort out some things.. Unfortunately, hashing and rehashing never seems to create a different outcome.

Speechless

2007-01-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

So this is one of those rare moments where I am speechless. I have so much to say and no words to say it. I just got back from Kansas City, Missouri. I have never had a better New Years. I don't want to go back to the person I was.

Kansas City is the home of the International House of Prayer and they hosted a conference called One Thing. People, do you realize that He actually loves you. Sure you hear it every Sunday in church but do you really KNOW it. Not only does He love you -- He is "in love" with you. Read Song of Solomen.... I'm telling you -- crazy stuff...

I am such a liability. I will only fail Him (and often) and yet He still loves me. Though I will no doubt break His heart (and He knows this), He still pursues me and is in love with me. He knows me (all my faults) and He still chooses me. I will never get that kind of love from any human being. What about this is a bum deal? I have never seen it as a "relationship" before. (The bridegroom) I have always looked at God as though He is a friend and not a lover.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him."

Isaiah 30:18

People get ready - JESUS IS COMING.....

Stupidity is...

2007-01-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Running into walls....

Lately, I have been "doped" up due to the fact that I just had my (ONE) wisdom tooth removed. Yes, Abigail on a normal day is loopy but get her on drugs....That is why I am not a drug addict, people... No one would "light up" with me for fear...

Last night the pain came back around 10 so I took some pain meds and went to bed.I woke up and had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't even walk in a straight line. I ended up walking head-on hard into the wall. Which makes an extremely loud sound at 1:00 in the morning. I had a faint bruise this morning which - thankfully is gone. Imagine trying to explain that one.

I remember most of the conversations I have had the last couple of days especially Tuesday but just in case... If it was uncharacteristically crazy- just ignore. Luckily (and unfortunately), I think I am way more truthful (not that I lie - I just volunteer more info than needed) when drugged. ~A

Somewhere over the rainbow...

2006-12-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

I am heading to the most God forsaken place on earth -- no, not Iowa -- Kansas. What the heck was I thinking??? Just kidding. I don't think I am going to explain anything more about that-- after all, I doubt any of you really care.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time relaxing and eating. (I gained 7 whole pounds this Christmas and I am freakin' lovin' it). The best part about this year is that I have survived yet another year.... Several times it looked doubtful but I made it...

Now for the deep stuff...

I have really grown this year. It hasn't been easy and most of it hasn't been fun but I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing -- not that I could have if I wanted too. Crap happens!! It is what you do despite everything that goes wrong that determines success.

THANK GOODNESS FINALS ARE OVER.. I am sorry to all those who tried to call me. I have been dazed and recuperating and haven't had the heart to talk.

I love you guys, truly I do, and hope y'all have a happy new year.

~A

Peace that passes all understanding

2006-11-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't trade this peace for anything or anyone.

His grace is sufficient...

2006-11-25T22:38:00.000-08:00

AKA - the turning point.

Thank God, I am constantly becoming better.He is so
faithful. One never knows how far down the wrong path we have traveled
until we try to turn around and go back.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.
[Pre-Chorus]

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]

[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

DON'T GIVE UP

-Sanctus Real

Well I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
And now you complain a lifetime just doesnâ€™t feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
To realize it might be time to change?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is

Things Like You

-Sanctus Real

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on

To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those thingsthat keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's eveything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything